And now, a few zillion words from Tromsø Prison

What better way to celebrate independence than with a visit to the Burzum website, created and maintained by the eternally independent Varg Vikernes, alias Count Grishnackh? Although he's a resident of Norwegian prison Trondheim Fengsel for murder, arson, and general jackassery, he still manages to stick it to the man through words. And more words. And more and more and more and more words. How very inspiring on this day that's all about freedom!

Actually, I lied a little bit there. He's now actually a resident of Tromsø Prison, because according to the latest news from the Burzum supersite he's been moved and, "The letters sent before this must have probably been lost or maybe they will be forwarded to the new prison." What? You mean you didn't get a reply from the Count? I don't believe it. I couldn't imagine so verbose a wordsmith as our fair Count would even think of not replying to one of his many fan letters with some rambling manifesto, so I'm guessing that it's even more likely that he really DID get the letters...and ate them! Because the Count likes to eat people's dreams.

I also have to point out that I find it hilarious that even though the Count hates anything having to do with anything other than Norway, the site conveniently welcomes visitors with a choice of translations into Norse or—WHAT?—English! Don't tell me that you're giving in to get your point to more minions.

The Count is putting his time behind bars to good use. Since he can't have bayonets in the can, his weapon of choice now is the pen and his preferred method of murder is to overwhelm people with the sheer volume of his inane ramblings. Like the Birdman of Alcatraz, the Count is attempting to establish himself as the world's foremost expert on one topic—convaluted Viking lore. I have no idea if any of these stories are based on fact because each "article" consists of approximately 865 million words and his writing style makes reading calculus problems seem like fun. So if you want to read "Pagan Love" and "Hygiene in the Pagan Era" yourself, go for it.

But, I'm still willing to dip far enough in to get a few good "Count quotables" for you, just so we can get a nice outline of his views.

On survival: "Natural selection means survival of the fittest, alright, but that is basically survival of the most cunning. Predators survive and thrive not because they are courageous, noble and strong, but because they use all the deceptive means available to them in order to survive, because they generally speaking only attack those weaker than them, and because they have absolutely no empathy, honour, mercy or pity whatsoever." (In other words, Euronymous was not cunning enough to not die from 23 stab wounds to his back and head. But at least the Count feels really bad about killing him.)

On metal fans: "Smoking pot or getting drunk, sleeping around and giving each other venereal diseases, partying all the time, going to concerts to meet other vacuum-heads, and so forth. What's the point?" (Yeah, so?)

On media bias (his all-time favorite topic): "There are several characters named Varg Vikernes in Norway. One is the demonized, alienated, pilloried and ostracized bugbear denounced by the Jew-press and the so-called judicial system in Norway...another Varg is the prisoner, writing articles, like this one, to stay sane, but also to not let the false accusations and biased lie-propaganda stand unopposed." (Wait a minute, are we sure this isn't a quote from Britney? I guess it has to be from the Count because he used so many big words and didn't say "ya know" once...but I swear it sounded just like Britney. Hm. Weird.)

On his release: "I have been told that some people expect a lot from me when I am released. Well; don't expect anything. Unless You look for my books or albums You can expect to never hear from or about me again. I don't want anything to do with You or the thoroughly sick world You live in. Count me out. I am going home, to the Norwegian countryside, to the wilderness and fresh air, to a healthy farm-life and Mother Earth's embrace. You can have Your plagued urban brothel and Your sick mongrel Hell on Earth to Yourself. "

Wait a minute. Did I just read that right? The Count is going to vanish into obscurity upon his release? What about the race war? What about the plan to produce as many blonde and blue-eyed children as possible? And most importantly, what about Burzum??? Surely he jests when he says we can expect to never hear from him again. The world is starving for more screamy unintelligible songs and ranty garbled missives about his persecution! I simply can't believe it...I'm so disappointed in you, Count. At the very least you should dress in a horned helmet, steal a model Viking warship and drive it menacingly close to shore while you scream about Leif Erikson and swing one of those spiked ball weapons around your head.

And why in the world did he capitalize "you" though that whole thing and not "me"? None of it makes any kind of sense.

Ah, well. Anyway, the Count leaves us with this inspiring quote: "Meglio soli che mal accompagnati. (It is better to be alone than in bad company.)" So true, Count, so true. I guess the whole world is bad company to you, and I can totally understand how you can feel that way, what with everyone in a massive, calculated plot against you. But I know you're going to get starved for attention and publicity and poke your little mini-Hitler head out from your utopia fiefdom and yell at everyone again. Someday