7/17/2006

Finally, help for all you godless whores

OK, so I totally thought this was a joke, but unfortunately it seems to be all too real. I never imagined I'd find something that was so blatantly easy to make fun of, but here it is.

There doesn't seem to be any real information on this "NoMoHo" organization, except its' asinine "clever" name, the fact that they only seem to deal in the sale and distribution of ugly, shitty belt buckles and that it's spearheaded by former Real World killjoy Matt Smith, who if you'll remember (or if you have any kind of life whatsoever, you won't remember) was the albino religious zealot from the New Orleans season. It was during a search to find out more to make fun of that I found this compelling info. From the NoMoHo FAQ:

Q: Why chastity belts?
A: Because easy is sleazy.

Q: Are your chastity belts strong?
A: We don’t make the belt. We make the buckle. And NoMoHo® belt buckles are very strong. Not all buckles are made the same. Many are made of plastic that can easily chip, warp, or even break under duress. NoMoHo® buckles are made of 100% metal, making them virtually indestructible. Other buckles are made with ineffective clasping mechanisms. NoMoHo® buckles have quality hitches that are difficult to pop out of your belt holes. These buckles are rugged and ready for use.

I have a Q for you, NoMoHo FAQ: are you fucking kidding? I sat here staring at this for about 10 minutes because I thought I had been sucked into some kind of Victorian-era third dimension—it wasn't until I was distracted by a rerun of "Laguna Beach" coming on TV that brought me back into brutal reality. Scary but true: NoMoHo promotes the useage of CHASTITY BELTS. That are extra-strong and durable. And won't break under duress. Because when you've got a randy erection heading your way, you need all the high-quality protection you can get, and the official NoMoHo belt buckle is your first line of defense.

But I'm confused, because these buckles are also "rugged and ready for use." Precisely what kind of use are you suggesting that wearers of the indestructible NoMoHo® belt buckle might be engaging in that it would need to be rugged and ready for? And what about that pimped out, pseudo-chrome font they are using for the logo, not to mention the customized Caddy with the big back seat they've got pictured? How are horny little christian kids supposed to keep their pants on when the first thing they see on the page reminds them of all those gluttonous rock and rap videos featuring oiled up video hos pouring Moet on themselves and humping the hoods of expensive cars? Stop teasing us, Matt Smith!

Speaking of teasing us, Matty is also the mastermind behind another inspirational website, Porn Destroys Women, that doesn't seem to really have an aim, other than to trot out countless statistics, such as "80%—15–17 year olds having multiple hard-core exposures" and "26—Children's characters linked to thousands of porn links (including Pokemon and Action Man)." First of all, what does this even mean? Second of all, only a handful of these stats include reference citations, only a couple of which sound like they might be from legitimate sources and not just Matt's minister. Third, sounds like Smitty did his research, if you know what I'm sayin'. The big perv.

And, finally, of course "Action Man" is connected to thousands of porn links. He's Action Man, for god sakes!

I think what Matty is trying to tell us through these sites is that if you happen to be a chick, you are a brazen hussy by birth and you must do all you can to keep boys away from your danger zone, because they just can't control themselves. It's a test from god. If you "let them" fuck you, well then you, Hester, have no respect for yourself and you'll instantly be branded as the town whore. Sage advice from a former Real Worlder. I think if he wants to promote abstinence, he ought to just post a few pics of himself. One look at his washed-out, doughy mug and that's pretty much all you need to never want to have sex again.

God, what a prick. Maybe Matt should also be the spokesperson for Wholesome Swimwear. Because all those bikini-clad tramps on the beach need saved from errant penii, too.

2 comments:

Sister Maria said...

Thank you, Rockitqueen, for linking me to the NoMoHo website. All I need now is a Christian ball-gag and butt-plug and I can finally be pure enough for baby Jesus.

Lola said...

Could he be ANY fuglier? Maybe un-be-fugly. M@ is such an awesome guy, and you WISH he was your fiancee. Jellus! BTW...I think Lukas from Supernova is channeling a Finnish rocker...just don't know which one.