Inbreds, ball gags and Colin Farrell's porn 'stache

I've been a horrible blogger lately, so apologies. Although that's assuming anyone has noticed. And cares.

I assure you that there has been good reason for my absence. Yes, part of it involves my chronic issue with laziness, but the other part entails subjecting myself to loads of sex, drugs, guns and violence, so much so that, if confronted with Gacy, Corill and Dahmer crime-scene photos, I'd probably say, "So can you believe they didn't vote Angela off 'Project Runway' this week? Unbelievable." I've alternated melting into a puddle on the baby-poop brown carpet of my 943-degree homestead and freezing my ass off in a subzero movie theater with some fuckers with snacks munching away in my ear, staring slack-jawed and drooling at screens splattered with gallons of blood, bullets and expletives. Sweet.

Anyhoo, I figured I'd pass along a few reviews to all you sickos who love a good, gritty movie. So here you go: my assessments of the big-screen debut of "Miami Vice" (on opening day, no less!) and the recent video releases of "The Hills Have Eyes" and "Hostel". I'll offer a short synopsis, followed by review, rating and violence factor. **WARNING: SPOILERS! If you want to see any of these movies, don't read below this line, because I'm giving a bunch of shit away. If you've seen these movies (or don't care), carry on...**

• "Miami Vice" •
When I heard "Vice" was being made into a movie, my initial thought was that it would be a parody film, along the lines of the "Charlie's Angels" and "Starsky & Hutch" movies. How wrong I was! The Crockett and Tubbs characters are updated to modern-day undercover cops recruited to infiltrate an international drug ring that takes them to South America and Cuba. The grainy film style, thunderous sound and suspenseful editing makes you feel like you're going to get your head blown off by some cartel kingpin at any second. The movie is quite long, but it's so engrossing and moves along at such a snappy pace, it's over before you have time to wonder how Sonny can possibly have time to care for and feed his pet alligator. And in classic RockitQueen style, I have to add that there's something about Colin Farrell's drug-dealer hairstyle, furrowed-yet-artfully-waxed brow and porn 'stache that is causing me to give him a pass for fucking Britney. Normally, he doesn't do anything for me, but by god, "Vice" has made me temporarily change my mind—something in Miami's hot and it ain't the weather, know what I'm sayin'? I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up; run out and see this movie immediately.
Rating: sublime
Violence factor: rat-a-tat-tat

• "The Hills Have Eyes" •
This movie stars Ted "Put the fucking lotion in the basket" Levine, the chick who played the witch that Jim Morrison married and a bunch of people I have never seen before (probably from "The OC" or something). Basically what happens is a family of annoying republicans in an RV end up stranded in the New Mexico desert where a band of deformed, flesh-eating hillbilly hermits decend on their little camp, unleash some fury and kidnap a baby. A dog dies, Buffalo Bill gets burned at the stake and the sad sack son-in-law marches all Billy the Kid-style into Inbreeder Village (an abandoned "mock town" from the nuclear testing days) to rescue his infant daughter and save the day. It's pretty stupid for the most part, and the makeup effects team went just completely balls-out apeshit on the radiation deformities, so that it's totally not scary. Kind of like how that movie "Jeepers Creepers" started out pretty good until you realized the killer was some stupid winged creature in really super fake-looking rubber prosthetics. I'm not a big fan of the original "Hills", so I really wasn't expecting this movie to be good, but it's not even a little bit fun or scary...it's just kind of depressing. To be honest, I have no idea why I rented it. I haven't been this disappointed since "Urban Legend 2: Final Cut".
Rating: eh
Violence factor: you after listening to Federline "rap"

• "Hostel" •
This movie also stars a bunch of people I don't know, except for my new boyfriend Jay Hernandez, who plays a horndog American tourist backpacking across Europe with a couple of friends. The guys catch wind of some hedonistic village in the east where you can get all the pot and poon you can handle and decide to follow their divining-rod dicks to this Slovakian utopia. Of course, it's totally too good to be true and suddenly our heroes discover that they've been duped into a human hunting ring and...holy shit, even Scott Peterson would probably be disturbed by what happens next. I'm not going to go into details, but shit happens involving drills and chainsaws and teeth and eyes and...BLARGGGHHHH! It was so utterly disgusting that I had to pause it a couple of times and read a few Ziggy cartoons to make myself feel better. Honestly, the concept of the movie is great for a horror film (Tarantino is behind it, if that tells you anything) but I would go so far as to say that "Hostel" is quite possibly the most vile and disturbing movie I've ever seen (and I've seen "Audition", "Pink Flamingos" and "Cool As Ice"). Watch it with a bucket and a security blanket at the ready; I'm still curled up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and slapping my head.
Rating: shudder
Violence factor: holy fucking shit

So anyway, how about that upset on "Project Runway" this week? They are totally keeping Angela around for the drama, don't you think?