I feel duped. What about Booberries? Frankenberries? I thought they were all made with real froot! I mean fruit.
Speaking of (dingle)berries, I'm sure Jenny McCarthy already knew this, given that she's cutting everything out of her diet and blogging all about it on Oprah's Hausfrau Central website. Crunchberries are just full of unpronounceable ingredients that, when eaten, can make children retarded. Hey, Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch were practically food groups for me as a kid, and look how I turned out!
Obsessive, that's how I turned out. I simply can't get enough of Jenny McCarthy's idiocy. It's like watching a dog eating it's own shit. Jenny thinks she's smarter than doctors and on to something. And the dog thinks it produced it's own dinner.
It's no wonder she's such a fucking wackadoo when this is what she eats every day:
Emergen-C drink pack with stevia and lemon in warm water
Two eggs over easy on gluten-free, yeast-free, casein-free, sugar-free bread
Salad with no-sugar salad dressing and some veggie soup
Pears or watermelon
Turkey with butternut squash
Nana's cookie, sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free
A few questions: how can you have bread without yeast? And how can one sugar-free, gluten-free, casein-free "cookie" qualify as a "yummy treat"? A yummy treat is a biggie Heath Bar Blizzard with a side of Double-Stuf Oreos dipped in root beer float...sauce. A diet like that is enough to turn anyone into a brain-dead parrot for cultish anti-science movement. How much sugar and yeast and gluten are in boogers anyway, Jen?
Can you believe Oprah is giving this dimbulb her own show? I always felt a little neutral toward Oprah, until recently, and it's all because of Jenny. Oh, and Chrissy Snow! The Thighmaster lady. The mom on CBS Block Party staple Step By Step. The sheriff on She's the Sheriff. That's Suzanne Somers. This bitch might be even crazier than Jenny, if you can believe it. OK, you probably can believe it.
Since her esteemed acting career slowed down, Suzanne has reinvented herself as an alt-med guru. She's written books on weight loss, sex and aging, all with an unusual twist. Basically, Suze is a huge advocate of pumping yourself full of estrogen to keep yourself young. That includes taking more than 60 non-FDA-regulated supplements every single day, drinking sludgy smoothies, rubbing estrogen cream into your arms and injecting estrogen into your vagina.
*record scratching sound*
Yes, you read that right. Suzanne Somers recently went on Oprah and shared her daily regimen† with O's minions, which includes INJECTING ESTROGEN DIRECTLY INTO HER COOTCH. No motherfucking shit.
Who cares? you may ask. Suzanne Somers an aging jiggle TV bimbo with a brain the size of a baby pea. Yes, that is true. But there are also lots of people in Oprah's audience of flying monkeys that are aging couch potatoes with brains the size of baby peas. So they might think that injecting female hormones directly into the vag is a good idea. There was apparently no mention of the fact that Suzanne also had to get a hysterectomy due to uterine bleeding. Instead Oprah foamed at the mouth saying that some people might think Suzanne is nuts, "but she just might be a pioneer."
A pioneer of a whole new brand of crazy, never before studied by scientists. Suzanne, like Jenny, seems to have gone into some kind of third dimension of delusion. It's sort of like a militia with Jimmy Choos and Botox. I wonder what it's like to live in that world, giddily immune to reason and logic. Wheee! It's fun! It's all about being powerful!
In fact, here's what Jenny herself says about taking charge and washing all those pesky voices of reason out of your head:
[all sic] Im watching Larry King right now. He is doing a show about powerful women. Amazing to watch. amazing to see how far weve come. Most of it talks about having self worth. So true. I dont believe you have to be famous or rich to have power or self worth. I think the stay at home mom could be more powerful than anyone if she has a strong sense of herself. One of the women on the show talked about our chatter that goes on in our heads. The chatter of not being good enough, skinny enough or rich enough. This chatter could lower our self worth. Its so true!! Who is that voice?! That bitch comes out when I PMS and I cant get her to shut up. They gave some tips to quiet the chatter.... take care of yourself, be self sufficiant, love yourself and that chatter becomes a whisper. It makes sense to me. Kicking sugar along with all the other things Ive given up makes me believe that because Im taking care of myself Im building up my self worth. If youve been on this journey with me this month or just joining, you too are coming into your power. Woo hoo! Ladies! The era of enlightenment is here!
Glad it took LARRY KING to make Jenny see how far "weve" come. She's certainly got a way to go on grammar and punctuation. And so inspiring that you don't have to be famous or rich to have power or self-worth! All that chatter from that bitch in my head prattling on and on about who's after me, who's trying to stop me, who's trying to silence me. Kicking sugar is the answer, people. Follow Jenny on her quest for power.
You know what else raises your self-worth? Having bigger boobs! Jenny sez:
I'm glad to be back home. I missed Evan. I missed American food. It was amazing to watch the French eat though. Creams, breads, sorbets, smoking, drinking wine and the women were all skinny and gorgeous. What the hell is that about? I'm hanging in there for no sugar. I hope you are too. The French might be able to get away with eating whatever they want, but at least American girls have bigger boobs. Hahaha.
Hahahaha! Oh, Jenny! You and Suzanne and your estrogen overload!
* There are some real zingers in that Crunchberry story:
The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that she had only recently learned to her dismay that said "berries" were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls, and that although the product did contain some strawberry fruit concentrate, it was not otherwise redeemed by fruit.
According to the complaint, Sugawara and other consumers were misled not only by the use of the word "berries" in the name, but also by the front of the box, which features the product's namesake, Cap'n Crunch, aggressively "thrusting a spoonful of 'Crunchberries' at the prospective buyer."
...while the challenged packaging contains the word "berries" it does so only in conjunction with the descriptive term "crunch." This Court is not aware of, nor has Plaintiff alleged the existence of, any actual fruit referred to as a "crunchberry."
† Forgive me for linking to the Huffington Post.