CoTher 2.4-5: Gutterballs

She rolls on shomer Shabbos.

Yeah, yeah, I'm way behind. Leave me alone. I was busy keeping the X in Xmas. Happy new year, bee tee dubs!

Anyhoo, let's kick 2013 off right and get caught up on some "Couples Therapy" action! I'm going to count down the best parts of eps 4 and 5. You can thank me later:

1. Doug can't do partner yoga, cries and locks himself in the bathroom
In an effort to help the couples feel "connected," the therapists organize a morning partner yoga session for the gang. But one partner is conspicuously missing because of those pesky California child labor laws.

Doug half-heartedly attempts to do the yoga himself while everyone else is sitting back-to-back with their sweeties to "feel their warmth and their spine." Dammit! Doug is not feeling any warmth or spines so he untwists himself from Warrior 1 and stomps, pouting, into the house. "I can't be with her at night and I've reached my threshold," he cries. I'm guessing he then screams, "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS OUR LOVE!" and flails down the hall wailing and dramatically slams the bathroom door shut so he can privately sulk about his inability to participate in yoga.

Hater Shayne seems to think the problem isn't that Courtney can't be on camera for more than six hours a day: "You can't wear stripper shoes to yoga, so maybe she opted out." Maybe, Shayne, maybe. But Court is has special powers that enable her to incorporate transparent eight-inch platforms into every activity. Exhibit A:

2. Courtney Stodden doesn't have to wear ugly, stinking bowling shoes like everyone else.

In another attempt to encourage "bonding," the CoTher pairs are sent to the bowling alley. Court dresses for the occasion in the aforementioned plexiglass heels and the copper crotch cutters/lycra halter combo from the first episode. Bowling may by Courtney's worst nightmare, but it's a fantastic opportunity to make a gazillion titillating wisecracks about balls. 

"I don't know how to put my fingers in the ball!" Court squeals. "I'm a bowling virgin!"

Courtney "knocks [my] pins down every time," Doug announces.

"She knows how to work balls," Tiny side-eyes.

Despite her alleged lack of bowling prowess, Court rolls a strike on the first try (at least as editing would lead us to believe). It's the magic of the heels! But how she got away with wearing them instead of the rentable clown shoes everyone else is forced to wear remains a mystery.

3. Courtney still talks to her ex and can't reach things
When Dr. Jenn asks the couples to talk about trust in group, Court drops a bomb. Turns out she's still talking to her 21-year-old ex-boyfriend! WHATTTT???? I'm shocked. SHOCKED. Doug says he's going to bed sometimes and Courtney's phone is blowing up at all hours of the night. Once, he decided to put his foot down on these shenanigans, so he grabbed her phone and told Mr. 21-Year-Old to stop calling his wife, goddammit! Dr. Jenn encourages Courtney to stop trying to stir shit up to get him to tell her he cares. Fat chance, doc!

Despite his attempt at taking a share of the power in the relationship, the scales tipped back in Court's favor when she tries to get something from a not-really-all-that-high shelf. She grunts provocatively and whines that she can't reach so Doug gives her a helping hand:

Eight-inch heels did not help in this situation.

Scales, tipped.

4. This conversation:
Courtney (in the kitchen): Oh my god, there are fries in here! (picks up a wooden spoon) Can I smack your butt with this? (smacks Doug with spoon while he makes sexual sounds)
Doug: Did you get grease on my pants?

Courtney: No. You prima donna.

5. Dourtney

To honor his beloved, Doug scrawls a mural on his bedroom wall:

Is anyone else suddenly reminded of the rebus in Highlights magazine?

Also, they call each other "Dourtney." As in Doug and Courtney combined into one power name, a la Brangelina. It works, I think.

6. Courtney has saved many lives by just being herself

Dr. Jenn meets privately with the Power Couple and announces that she's implementing a dress code in Casa CoTher. Everyone has been complaining to here about Courtney's My Little Ho-ny "outfits" and it's distracting from therapy. Here's her reaction:

Mission accomplished, bitches!

She may have won this round, but the War of Unfairness rages on. So Court suddenly morphs into Elizabeth Cady Stanton and decides to take a stand for those who can't stand up for themselves: The Scantily Clad. She thinks it's wrong to change for others and that she has to speak out for what she believes in because she's a voice for those who want the right to wear postage stamp-sized minis and latex boob trays.

"I've saved many lives!" she implores.

Unfortunately, Dr. Jenn doesn't explore that claim further and instead drops the hammer: from this moment on, there will be no bare midriffs, no boobs hanging out and crotches are to be properly covered at all times...OR ELSE.

"I'm a free spirit!" Courtney complains. "I need to be free to express myself and be creative!" You tell 'em, girlfriend! It's time to really show them what you're made of (besides cotton candy, tanning bed residue and Hidden Fantasy™ by Britney Spears).

Next time: Elizabeth Cady Stanton protests by exposing her midriff and Dr. Jenn is not amused.

Photo stills courtesy of VH1

CoTher 2.3: My fair Courtney

"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the pl....
OMG, A POT-SMOKING SKUNK!"

Dr. Jenn says the first 48 hours of therapy are brutal. It's sort of like that show "The First 48." If you don't catch a killer within the first two days after a crime occurs, your chances of avenging the victim's death are cut in half. So, I guess that means if you don't fix relationships in that amount of time, well...hell's bells.

Two people we don't have to worry about are our favorite gruesome twosome, Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden. Or do we? Today, Court is sporting an Afghan Hound blowout and her leather hotpants from the last episode. Doug tells her she looks beautiful and then promptly throws his back out. It's the perfect illustration of this episode's running theme: Courtney's skankwear and the aging Svengali with a slipped disc who loves it.

Group therapy starts out with a blergh when Dr. Jenn looks right at our happy couple and makes a comment about "using your wife as a sexual object to promote her career." Doug takes offense, but Judge Jenn asks him if it's not true that his family and friends have abandoned him, his work options have dried up and he is now in the business of Courtney. Is that NOT TRUE, Doug Hutchinson??

Court pouts and says nobody understands that she's actually a really sweet person with very strong Christian beliefs and that god made her just the way she is and he also made copper spandex disco crotch-cutters and matching boob slings so what's the big deal? 

Dr. Jenn suddenly morphs into Professor Henry Higgins and asks Court if she'd be willing to wear sweats, no makeup and regular flat shoes. "I want to be like that!" Courtney insists. "But I'm stubborn and I need help!" Now Courtney, Dr. Jenn promises that by the end of "Couples Therapy," you'll ride in a carriage to Buckingham Palace and if the royals think you a lady, you'll get a job in a shop! But if they think you a trampasaurus in sheep's clothing, you shall be banished to the lunchtime side stage at The Eager Beaver. It's going to be hard, because Court eats the attention up with a spoon and "sometimes [I] forget [I'm] married!" The comment shocks everyone, including Doug, and the facial expressions of surprise, disgust and confusion are priceless. 

Courtney is using her age as an excuse, but Tiny reminds her that she "made a grown-woman decision to get married." Tiny, we don't tolerate that kind of rationality and real-keeping in Courtneywood! But Dr. Jenn implores Court to listen to others' input whether she likes what they have to say or not.

Later, Nik and Doug have a sit-down, Tony Soprano-style, to work out their differences. But unlike Tony, the counselor/moderator allows both of them to keep their kneecaps and livelihoods. All seems to be going smoothly until Doug tries to tell Court what happened. Here's their conversation:

Courtney: Tell me what you talked about; tell me everything! 
Doug: That cat is a trip. 
Courtney: Meow! You are so cute! 
Doug: I think it was under the auspices of...
Courtney: So sorry to interrupt you, but it smells like a skunk out here. Anyways, I'm sorry; so what happened?
Doug: I think we accomplished what we're going to accomplish with this and I don't think he's going to hurl insults at you any more...
Courtney: I smell pot! The skunk is smoking pot!
Doug: You are so distracted. Anyway, he said his intention is to understand us more, which I don't think is the complete truth...
Courtney: (gasps) It's that skunk again! It's smoking pot!
Doug: I'm trying to share with you and you're not in the mood. You want to play.
Courtney: I'm just warning you that it's getting closer.

"She communicates in a 21st-century way," Doug rations. "She's a teenager." Why can't a woman be more like a man, Doug? WHY??? He tries to explain to Courtney that when he wants to tell her stuff, she gets distracted by bugs and puppies and unexpected breezes and IT HURTS HIS FEELINGS. Yeah, yeah, Doug, Court gets it, but how is she supposed to concentrate on your feelings when there are ravenous coyotes howling in the background? "Shoot a gun in the air!" Courtney screams. "I appreciate nature, but that's a part of nature I don't want to hear!"

While Courtney is busy shooting pool in a bikini (later she's going to wash Doug's car in slow motion), Doug joins Tiny on the patio and she expresses her concern about Courtney's appearance. "I'm more concerned about how she feels about herself to dress so inappropriately," she says."Those clothes are like, 'Hello, hoochie!'" God created those clothes, Tiny, GOD. Who are you to question the man upstairs?

Despite her blasphemy, Tiny's comments make Doug think. And he thinks the thoughts he had about Courtney's outfits are making him think more negatively than he previously thought. Uh oh, troubs in paradise! If these two could just work it out, wouldn't be lovely?

Next week: The boys of Courtney's past! 

CoTher 2.2: Dream a little dream of C

"No, really, tell me more about your weird
half-dream that didn't really happen."

Picture it: last Saturday night. RockitQueen: (who kind of looks like Angelina Jolie meets Joan Jett meets Angela Bassett meets Megan Fox...) lies in bed in that dream state that's halfway between sleep and awake where you feel like you're floating in a tunnel at the other end from reality. RockitKing: watching TV at about 4 a.m. RockitQueen vaguely hears a voice that sounds kind of like Courtney Stodden, a.k.a. the greatest thing to happen to pop culture since, well, Rock of Love. Can this be real? RockitQueen mumbles from her dream state "Zzzzzthazzz Courtzzzz Stoddezzzzzz?" Then from the other end of the dream tunnel, a male voice: "Oh my god, they just asked the skank if she was molested!" RockitQueen: "Izzzzzzz needzzzzz to blogzzzzz about thizzzzzzzzzz." Annnddddd...scene! (P.S. RockitKing swears this didn't actually happen, but I'm telling you it did! Or maybe it's the medication.) Anyhoo.

So here we are and I'm finally blogzzzzz about thizzzzzzzzzz. When we last left off, Doug Hutchinson had just told Nik Ritchie, "We're going down" unless Nik apologizes for calling Courtney trash. And when we pick up, nothing really happens. Boo! Nik says, "He's 51 years old and he's dating a girl in high school. Doug is mindfucked." Doug says he and Court Court hoped to come into a "safe, nonjudgemental environment," but that hope has gone down the toilet. Zzzzz... this is not exciting. What can I do to spice this up? Oh, I can tell you this: I was just informed today that Doug played one of the child rapists in the hit John Grisham adaptation (and the movie that made Matthew McConaughey a stahhh) A Time to Kill. Ironic! 

After that grinding start, shit starts getting a little more lively. There's a little bit of an issue with filming because, see, Courtney has to leave the house and go stay in a hotel because she's underage and there are all these annoying child labor laws in California so she can only film for 6.5 hours a day. This means our star-crossed lovers have to be apart for a good portion of the day. As Courtney boards the Holiday Inn Airport Shuttle (I don't know if that's really what it is, but let's pretend) and drives away, she and Doug both longingly reach out, desperate to not let go. Doug whispers,"I'll dream about you tonight!"

The next day, harsh, banal reality is about to set in as the couples file stoically into the first group therapy session.

Dr. Jenn comes into the session guns ablazin': everyone is required to reveal the lowest, darkest moment in their relationships. One couple says it was when wife announced, "I want a divorce." Another reveals it was when husband got out of the hospital after almost drinking himself to death. It's all very depressing and sad. Then, here's Courtney and Doug:

Britney, if you're reading this, THIS is
how you do extensions.

"We're at the store and Courtney gets a lot of attention and a guy came up and gave Courtney his phone number and Doug felt uncomfortable so later Doug gets all up in Courtney's face (as the kids these days say) and and raising his voice and Courtney calls Doug a 'very evil name' and that name was 'fat fuck' because Doug was very vulnerable and "self-concious about his shape" and Doug struggles because he's super-afraid he's going to lose Courtney because she gets this 'maelstrom of attention' and it's exhausting."

Whew. Dr. Jenn thinks the problem is Courtney's outfits and if they're going to "have peace" she's just going to have to knock it off with the Lycra spandex camel toe/nip bullshit. Here we go again with the Judgy Judgerton! Dr. Jenn, stop being all jel and shit!


After the group therapy fuckery, a new couple joins the house and it's rapper Too $hort and his girlfriend Monica. They met at a George Clinton concert (which is awesome) and they're having problems because Too $hort is a sex fiend (which blows). The two newbies show up as Courtney and Doug are telling everyone all about how Courtney was going to wear a bikini to their wedding, but she ended up going with a white mini that cost $15 at Rave or something (and the best supporting stars in this show are Nik Ritchie's facial expressions of disgust).

Courtney greets Too $hort and Monica by telling them she's a white girl and doesn't understand who they are because she was born in '94 and is the same age as Justin Bieber. And if that didn't make hell freeze over, this will: Too $hort is dumbfounded. It's a historic moment, kind of like the first episode of Rock of Love: Bus when Random Blonde #753 jabbed a test tube shot into the danger zone of Random Blonde #289 and even Bret was grossed out. Courtney tells $hort that her mom is Doug's age and her dad is two years younger. "I'm shocked," $hort says. "That literally shocked me." And then he gets all judgy on Court's minidress. "I know strippers who don't dress like that when they're not working," he chides. "I don't want to sit around and stare at children's boobies." Aaaaannnd...Too $hort officially has the quote of the ep. Congrats!

After a scene that is clearly trying to brainwash people into thinking our Court is a big dum dum (she can't tell the difference between a dishwasher and a garbage compactor), our favorite couple heads into their first individual therapy session. Dr. Jenn is already on the offensive, saying she's struggling about treating them and wondering if this is a predatory relationship or a legitimate one. More haterz! It's Doug and Court against the world.

Doug says he's truly in love and Courtney informs Dr. Jenn that when you look like her, physically, men follow you home and write to you. When you have that kind of attention, it's difficult to discern what's real and who just wants a piece of ass. Yuck, who wants all those letters? It's totally annoying when you have to read them and stuff. Well, anyway, Doug liked Courtney for the RIGHT reasons and she insists that she's the one who pushed him to get married. 

"Rocket science" is actually a colloquial
term for aerospace engineering—DUHHHHH!"

Now, here's where the dream tunnel picks up. Dr. Jenn tells Court that she presents in a "very hypersexual way" and that usually translates to "bad touch from Daddy." But Courtney says NO, she was not molested and she is just more comfortable putting the goods in the storefront window with giant spotlights, neon signs and a local high school band playing "Proud Mary" around it. So there!

Doug then opens his heart and talks about how his love with Courtney has torn his family apart. His mom sent back all the Mother's Day cards he sent over the years and his brother, with whom he had a close relationship, informed him that he's no longer welcome at family functions. "My family has become Courtney," he says sadly and Dr. Jenn concludes that this makes them feel like Romeo and Juliet and that's not good for healthy relationship development. And then they do trust falls with Dr. Jenn (not really, but let's pretend) and the session is over. 

It's soon dinnertime at Casa CoTher and everyone's pitching in. Courtney prances into the kitchen in a teeny red bikini and her ever-present stripper heels and starts cleaning the table. That's not a euphemism, but she does start pointing the bottle of cleaner at Nik and saying, "Where should I squirt this? Tell me where to squirt it!" She may as well have just stood up on the table and poured a bottle of Cristal over her head. Subtle she's not!

Shayne encourages Courtney to put on some clothes and she retreats to the bedroom to throw on a pair of leather booty shorts. Shayne is pissed, saying, "I don't want my man looking at that while he eats his potatoes!" and takes her food to eat somewhere else. The word respect is thrown around liberally. And the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. Court munches away innocently on her meatloaf puree, Malt-O-Meal and zweiback (not really, but let's pretend) while everyone else stews around her.

This week's final scene really says it all: Courtney casually lounges by the pool in her red dinnertime bikini while everyone else smokes, gives each other side-eyes and broods. That's right, people...it's Courtney's world. And you just live in it.

Next week: "I'm never going to be ok with what you do." 12-step. "She needs to find her voice."   

Photo stills courtesy of VH1

Couples Therapy 2.1: Why can't you just let Courtney be great?

OK, as promised, I'm back to my roots of blogging a trashy VH1 reality show. But this time it's a little bit different. "Couples Therapy" is no "Rock of Love," for one thing (and what is, I ask you? What is?). And for another thing, I don't give two shits about anyone on this show except two people: Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden.

I think I might have this framed.

That's Courtney (age 17, media ho) describing the love she feels for Doug (age 51, ac-toor). They are the Bogey and Bacall for the 20teens. The Hepburn and Tracey of the millennium. The Whitney and Bobby of the apocalypse (the world is still ending on December 21, right?).

We get a little glimpse into the dark pink underworld of this pair's marriage in the first few minutes of the show. "Upbeat rock music" (according to the closed captioning) plays as the stage is set. Doug laments that his wife gets so much attention that it's exhausting. They're shown taking a leisurely stroll around an outdoor shopping area with Doug sporting Ed-Hardy-midlife-crisis wear and a burglar's cap and Courtney decked out in a sidewalk-length evening gown with rhinestone belt and a slit up to her armpit. Courtney just throws her head back and laughs and laughs like a deranged jackal. "People disagree with our union because we have a con-to-ver-sal [sic] age gap!" she announces. Doug insists that he tries to get Courtney to cover up more than 2% of her body at any given time. They're then shown moving into the CoTher house and she's clad in see-through hooker heels that are as tall as Doug and some kind of gold and black lycra...outfit? I'm not sure. It might just be two wrist bands:

Jesus, Doug, what's with the outfit? Have some respect for yourself!

It's at this point in the show when we get to see just what makes Courtney Stodden truly magical: her music. Yes, she's a singer! And her first single, "Don't Put it on Me," is a scathing attack on the jelly-jells who hate her because she's beautiful (please, please, I am begging you to take the time to watch this):

She's on a boat with a pink dog, slurping down an 80-oz. Marga-blaster (virgin, of course) while you're just sitting in a broken lawn chair with a regular brown dog drinking from a beer hat. You suck and she rocks. Get used to it.

And if you thought that was the best thing you've seen all day, get a load of this (please, please I am begging you to take the time to watch this one, too, but BRACE YOURSELF. Also, probably NSFL—Not Safe for Life):

Take a moment to let that all sink in.

The accompanying screen text bitchily points out that on YouTube, this video has 429 likes and 687, 989 dislikes. People just don't get the art of a human being coughing up a hairball and using a litterbox. But people also didn't get Warhol.

Courtney needs this.

Speaking of litterboxes, Doug asks Courtney if she has to "go potty" and she says she has to "pee pee" and that she can carry her suitcase by herself because she's "like a strong Barbie doll." They're just a regular old married couple now, but they still wax nostalgic about how their love blossomed. Courtney was taking Doug's online acting workshop. Oh my god, can you imagine? Courtney wearing sexy librarian glasses, intently studying the "craft" on her pink laptop. Doug discussing method acting and how he insisted on playing a shapeshifter on "The X-Files" in the nude to really get into character (this is apparently real, and it totally creeped David Duchovny out). As they're innocently playing teacher and student, Cupid's arrow strikes. Picture all this through a Vaseline-smeared webcam lens. Sigh...dreamy!

When Doug went to visit Courtney for the first time, he proposed almost immediately. The rest is history...with her parents' consent, of course. (Interestingly, though, Courtney's dad doesn't give consent to appear on the show, as he's fuzzed out in the happy family portrait they show to illustrate this. And Doug's family has also disowned him.) 

Everywhere they turn, people just shit all over their love, and they have not found any kind of safe haven at Casa CoTher. Counselor Rachel Clark greets the pair and gives them a house tour. In the kitchen, she asks if they like to cook. "I'll lay on the counter and you can cook on my stomach!" Courtney squeals. Rachel says she's trying not to judge, but her face says it all: 

Don't put it on me, girl, don't!

Rach just doesn't get it.

OK, now I guess we have to move on to the other couples (or should I say, supporting characters) in the house. We have Shayne Lamas, daughter of Lorenzo Lamas (and granddaughter of femininity expert Arlene Dahl!!!), and Nik Richie from TheDirty.com (which, because I'm a terrible person, I kind of enjoy); Simon and Alex McCord from "The Real Housewives of New York City;" and singer JoJo and his totally adorable wife Tiny. 

All of these pairs are fighting, complaining and fretting over their futures. In the midst of all this turmoil, where are Doug and Courtney? Oh, here they are! They're still in the kitchen and Doug is throwing grapes for Courtney to catch in her cleavage! Here's their conversation:

Courtney: We're making a big mess in the mansion! (Picks up grape.) Here, eat this off the floor and show me you're a man.
Doug: No, honey, it's got hair on it.
Courtney: I'll eat it. (Eats hairy grape.)

Clearly, they are there as a model to others. How can people whose lives are falling apart not be inspired by these two? It's time for them to show the other couples in the house what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. But as they go out to greet everyone, the judgement begins. Shayne groans and asks Courtney, "What are you wearing, girlfriend?" Duh, Shayne! "I'm wearing my daily wear!" Court responds. "What are YOU wearing?" Courtney then informs everyone that she's not wearing underwear and Doug drools, "That's why I'm the luckiest man in the world!" 

Everyone appears horrified and Nik says Courtney is a starfucker who submits herself to TheDirty.com all the time. Shayne is clearly uncomfortable and Doug starts asking her if she's high, because "she sounds high." Then Nik calls Courtney the "trash all over the internet" and the fur starts flying. Doug and Nik get up in each other's faces, as the kids these days say, the word "motherfucker" is thrown around and soon, Doug and Courtney are run off by the mob of townspeople with their pitchforks, sort of like Frankenstein's monster if Frankenstein's monster wore a pewter halter and lucite stripper heels. Doug says they're like Bonnie and Clyde—it's them against the world. "Will you blow me?" Courtney says. "I mean blow ON me. I'm really hot."

At the first group therapy session, psycologist Dr. Jen Berman notes the animosity among the group (to paraphrase Tony Soprano, she must have finished at the top of her fucking class). There's talk about "being real" and "forming bonds" and Dr. Jen says she has a low tolerance for BS.

Doug, however, keeps spouting off how he thinks everyone sees him. "How can a child molester walk around and not be arrested?" he mocks, and demands an apology for the trash comment. "Under California rules, we're married, under god." Everyone groans and rolls their eyes. "We're falling into their trap and talking about them," Nik says. Amen, buddy. You think your marriage is bad? Your problems are just beginning: you have to compete with the great stars of the new golden age: Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden! Why can't you just let them be great?

This season on "Couples Therapy:" Courtney gallivants; "I didn't believe in me;" Courtney wears a bikini to dinner; "there's a wedding tomorrow!"; Courtney in hot pants; "stop acting like a baby;" Courtney prances; "I love you so much!"; Courtney, Courtney, Courtney.

Oh, also: Doug has "Courtney" shaved into his hair:

Romantical!

Let's see if we can say the word "Courtney" more next time. Until then, bitches!

All screenshots from VH1. T-shirt pic from Noisebot.