CoTher 2.3: My fair Courtney

"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the pl....
Dr. Jenn says the first 48 hours of therapy are brutal. It's sort of like that show "The First 48." If you don't catch a killer within the first two days after a crime occurs, your chances of avenging the victim's death are cut in half. So, I guess that means if you don't fix relationships in that amount of time, well...hell's bells.

Two people we don't have to worry about are our favorite gruesome twosome, Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden. Or do we? Today, Court is sporting an Afghan Hound blowout and her leather hotpants from the last episode. Doug tells her she looks beautiful and then promptly throws his back out. It's the perfect illustration of this episode's running theme: Courtney's skankwear and the aging Svengali with a slipped disc who loves it.

Group therapy starts out with a blergh when Dr. Jenn looks right at our happy couple and makes a comment about "using your wife as a sexual object to promote her career." Doug takes offense, but Judge Jenn asks him if it's not true that his family and friends have abandoned him, his work options have dried up and he is now in the business of Courtney. Is that NOT TRUE, Doug Hutchinson??

Court pouts and says nobody understands that she's actually a really sweet person with very strong Christian beliefs and that god made her just the way she is and he also made copper spandex disco crotch-cutters and matching boob slings so what's the big deal? 

Dr. Jenn suddenly morphs into Professor Henry Higgins and asks Court if she'd be willing to wear sweats, no makeup and regular flat shoes. "I want to be like that!" Courtney insists. "But I'm stubborn and I need help!" Now Courtney, Dr. Jenn promises that by the end of "Couples Therapy," you'll ride in a carriage to Buckingham Palace and if the royals think you a lady, you'll get a job in a shop! But if they think you a trampasaurus in sheep's clothing, you shall be banished to the lunchtime side stage at The Eager Beaver. It's going to be hard, because Court eats the attention up with a spoon and "sometimes [I] forget [I'm] married!" The comment shocks everyone, including Doug, and the facial expressions of surprise, disgust and confusion are priceless. 

Courtney is using her age as an excuse, but Tiny reminds her that she "made a grown-woman decision to get married." Tiny, we don't tolerate that kind of rationality and real-keeping in Courtneywood! But Dr. Jenn implores Court to listen to others' input whether she likes what they have to say or not.

Later, Nik and Doug have a sit-down, Tony Soprano-style, to work out their differences. But unlike Tony, the counselor/moderator allows both of them to keep their kneecaps and livelihoods. All seems to be going smoothly until Doug tries to tell Court what happened. Here's their conversation:

Courtney: Tell me what you talked about; tell me everything! 
Doug: That cat is a trip. 
Courtney: Meow! You are so cute! 
Doug: I think it was under the auspices of...
Courtney: So sorry to interrupt you, but it smells like a skunk out here. Anyways, I'm sorry; so what happened?
Doug: I think we accomplished what we're going to accomplish with this and I don't think he's going to hurl insults at you any more...
Courtney: I smell pot! The skunk is smoking pot!
Doug: You are so distracted. Anyway, he said his intention is to understand us more, which I don't think is the complete truth...
Courtney: (gasps) It's that skunk again! It's smoking pot!
Doug: I'm trying to share with you and you're not in the mood. You want to play.
Courtney: I'm just warning you that it's getting closer.

"She communicates in a 21st-century way," Doug rations. "She's a teenager." Why can't a woman be more like a man, Doug? WHY??? He tries to explain to Courtney that when he wants to tell her stuff, she gets distracted by bugs and puppies and unexpected breezes and IT HURTS HIS FEELINGS. Yeah, yeah, Doug, Court gets it, but how is she supposed to concentrate on your feelings when there are ravenous coyotes howling in the background? "Shoot a gun in the air!" Courtney screams. "I appreciate nature, but that's a part of nature I don't want to hear!"

While Courtney is busy shooting pool in a bikini (later she's going to wash Doug's car in slow motion), Doug joins Tiny on the patio and she expresses her concern about Courtney's appearance. "I'm more concerned about how she feels about herself to dress so inappropriately," she says."Those clothes are like, 'Hello, hoochie!'" God created those clothes, Tiny, GOD. Who are you to question the man upstairs?

Despite her blasphemy, Tiny's comments make Doug think. And he thinks the thoughts he had about Courtney's outfits are making him think more negatively than he previously thought. Uh oh, troubs in paradise! If these two could just work it out, wouldn't be lovely?

Next week: The boys of Courtney's past! 

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