CoTher 2.2: Dream a little dream of C

"No, really, tell me more about your weird
half-dream that didn't really happen."
Picture it: last Saturday night. RockitQueen: (who kind of looks like Angelina Jolie meets Joan Jett meets Angela Bassett meets Megan Fox...) lies in bed in that dream state that's halfway between sleep and awake where you feel like you're floating in a tunnel at the other end from reality. RockitKing: watching TV at about 4 a.m. RockitQueen vaguely hears a voice that sounds kind of like Courtney Stodden, a.k.a. the greatest thing to happen to pop culture since, well, Rock of Love. Can this be real? RockitQueen mumbles from her dream state "Zzzzzthazzz Courtzzzz Stoddezzzzzz?" Then from the other end of the dream tunnel, a male voice: "Oh my god, they just asked the skank if she was molested!" RockitQueen: "Izzzzzzz needzzzzz to blogzzzzz about thizzzzzzzzzz." Annnddddd...scene! (P.S. RockitKing swears this didn't actually happen, but I'm telling you it did! Or maybe it's the medication.) Anyhoo.

So here we are and I'm finally blogzzzzz about thizzzzzzzzzz. When we last left off, Doug Hutchinson had just told Nik Ritchie, "We're going down" unless Nik apologizes for calling Courtney trash. And when we pick up, nothing really happens. Boo! Nik says, "He's 51 years old and he's dating a girl in high school. Doug is mindfucked." Doug says he and Court Court hoped to come into a "safe, nonjudgemental environment," but that hope has gone down the toilet. Zzzzz... this is not exciting. What can I do to spice this up? Oh, I can tell you this: I was just informed today that Doug played one of the child rapists in the hit John Grisham adaptation (and the movie that made Matthew McConaughey a stahhh) A Time to Kill. Ironic! 

After that grinding start, shit starts getting a little more lively. There's a little bit of an issue with filming because, see, Courtney has to leave the house and go stay in a hotel because she's underage and there are all these annoying child labor laws in California so she can only film for 6.5 hours a day. This means our star-crossed lovers have to be apart for a good portion of the day. As Courtney boards the Holiday Inn Airport Shuttle (I don't know if that's really what it is, but let's pretend) and drives away, she and Doug both longingly reach out, desperate to not let go. Doug whispers,"I'll dream about you tonight!"

The next day, harsh, banal reality is about to set in as the couples file stoically into the first group therapy session.

Dr. Jenn comes into the session guns ablazin': everyone is required to reveal the lowest, darkest moment in their relationships. One couple says it was when wife announced, "I want a divorce." Another reveals it was when husband got out of the hospital after almost drinking himself to death. It's all very depressing and sad. Then, here's Courtney and Doug:

Britney, if you're reading this, THIS is
how you do extensions.
"We're at the store and Courtney gets a lot of attention and a guy came up and gave Courtney his phone number and Doug felt uncomfortable so later Doug gets all up in Courtney's face (as the kids these days say) and and raising his voice and Courtney calls Doug a 'very evil name' and that name was 'fat fuck' because Doug was very vulnerable and "self-concious about his shape" and Doug struggles because he's super-afraid he's going to lose Courtney because she gets this 'maelstrom of attention' and it's exhausting."

Whew. Dr. Jenn thinks the problem is Courtney's outfits and if they're going to "have peace" she's just going to have to knock it off with the Lycra spandex camel toe/nip bullshit. Here we go again with the Judgy Judgerton! Dr. Jenn, stop being all jel and shit!

After the group therapy fuckery, a new couple joins the house and it's rapper Too $hort and his girlfriend Monica. They met at a George Clinton concert (which is awesome) and they're having problems because Too $hort is a sex fiend (which blows). The two newbies show up as Courtney and Doug are telling everyone all about how Courtney was going to wear a bikini to their wedding, but she ended up going with a white mini that cost $15 at Rave or something (and the best supporting stars in this show are Nik Ritchie's facial expressions of disgust).

Courtney greets Too $hort and Monica by telling them she's a white girl and doesn't understand who they are because she was born in '94 and is the same age as Justin Bieber. And if that didn't make hell freeze over, this will: Too $hort is dumbfounded. It's a historic moment, kind of like the first episode of Rock of Love: Bus when Random Blonde #753 jabbed a test tube shot into the danger zone of Random Blonde #289 and even Bret was grossed out. Courtney tells $hort that her mom is Doug's age and her dad is two years younger. "I'm shocked," $hort says. "That literally shocked me." And then he gets all judgy on Court's minidress. "I know strippers who don't dress like that when they're not working," he chides. "I don't want to sit around and stare at children's boobies." Aaaaannnd...Too $hort officially has the quote of the ep. Congrats!

After a scene that is clearly trying to brainwash people into thinking our Court is a big dum dum (she can't tell the difference between a dishwasher and a garbage compactor), our favorite couple heads into their first individual therapy session. Dr. Jenn is already on the offensive, saying she's struggling about treating them and wondering if this is a predatory relationship or a legitimate one. More haterz! It's Doug and Court against the world.

Doug says he's truly in love and Courtney informs Dr. Jenn that when you look like her, physically, men follow you home and write to you. When you have that kind of attention, it's difficult to discern what's real and who just wants a piece of ass. Yuck, who wants all those letters? It's totally annoying when you have to read them and stuff. Well, anyway, Doug liked Courtney for the RIGHT reasons and she insists that she's the one who pushed him to get married. 

"Rocket science" is actually a colloquial
term for aerospace engineering—DUHHHHH!"
Now, here's where the dream tunnel picks up. Dr. Jenn tells Court that she presents in a "very hypersexual way" and that usually translates to "bad touch from Daddy." But Courtney says NO, she was not molested and she is just more comfortable putting the goods in the storefront window with giant spotlights, neon signs and a local high school band playing "Proud Mary" around it. So there!

Doug then opens his heart and talks about how his love with Courtney has torn his family apart. His mom sent back all the Mother's Day cards he sent over the years and his brother, with whom he had a close relationship, informed him that he's no longer welcome at family functions. "My family has become Courtney," he says sadly and Dr. Jenn concludes that this makes them feel like Romeo and Juliet and that's not good for healthy relationship development. And then they do trust falls with Dr. Jenn (not really, but let's pretend) and the session is over. 

It's soon dinnertime at Casa CoTher and everyone's pitching in. Courtney prances into the kitchen in a teeny red bikini and her ever-present stripper heels and starts cleaning the table. That's not a euphemism, but she does start pointing the bottle of cleaner at Nik and saying, "Where should I squirt this? Tell me where to squirt it!" She may as well have just stood up on the table and poured a bottle of Cristal over her head. Subtle she's not!

Shayne encourages Courtney to put on some clothes and she retreats to the bedroom to throw on a pair of leather booty shorts. Shayne is pissed, saying, "I don't want my man looking at that while he eats his potatoes!" and takes her food to eat somewhere else. The word respect is thrown around liberally. And the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. Court munches away innocently on her meatloaf puree, Malt-O-Meal and zweiback (not really, but let's pretend) while everyone else stews around her.

This week's final scene really says it all: Courtney casually lounges by the pool in her red dinnertime bikini while everyone else smokes, gives each other side-eyes and broods. That's right, people...it's Courtney's world. And you just live in it.

Next week: "I'm never going to be ok with what you do." 12-step. "She needs to find her voice."   

Photo stills courtesy of VH1

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