Chicken or egg?

Great minds think alike. And if you believe that, then I should be the head of creative at VH1.

The greatest reality show producers on the planet and I both have inflicted Rock of Love girls where are they now recaps on an unsuspecting and uncaring world.

If you're so inclined, you can watch the whole damn VH1 special online. Warning: it contains copious amounts of Rikki Rachtman.

The rundown is pretty close to mine: drunk, stripping, babies, stripping, drunk, stripping, finding the inner self, stripping, Hustler, stripping blah blah. Lacey's singing is fucking horrible (although I totally commend her dog rescue endeavors), Mindy's living in Cinci and working on some kind of food fetish calendar, Rodeo is a darn sweetheart and Brandi C. is engaged to a Billie Joe Armstrong lookalike. As an added bonus, some of the bitches bash on Bret and trash him for being a big, fake ho. The saddest (and awesomest) quote comes from Squishy Barbie Doll Head: "He's a skank just like me."

Embarrassing confession: I totes want to hang out with ASHeather.

Where are the Rock of Love hobags now?

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RoL 3.3-3.5: Make it stop

I've just about had it with RoL. I never thought I'd see the day, but this show is sucking my will to live. Bret is totally phoning it in, the skanks are the most disgusting bunch of festering boils ever to infect my television and I'm kind of worried about more important things right now. Like Rihanna. I'm totally worried about Rihanna. Do you think she's OK?

Anyway, the name of the show is bugging me, too. Couldn't they have come up with a better name than Rock of Love Bus? What about Rock of Love: Road Burn? Or Rock of Love: Skid Marks? Or why beat around the bush: Rock of Love: Sluts on Wheels?

So since we last left our (g)road crew, Porny, Brazil Nut and Random Blonde #57 (who wasn't "there for Bret") got voted off. Big whoop

The next ep starts off with Squishy Barbie Doll Face and Random Blonde #2 (or is it #8?) talking about Natasha, the one who said she wanted to be a madam on the first episode, and speculating on the size of Nat's peepee. They think she's a dude. I guess she's going to have to get bigger implants to convince these two that she's female. These chicks look like they got boob jobs from Octomom's doctor.

Meanwhile, Bret's riding in style on his personalized Bret Bus, complete with a giant bed, acoustic guitar for making hits and what look like cymbal lamps, and he's deep in thought. On the other RoLs, he was "hot and heavy" with some of the girls by this point in the season, but this time around things are moving too slow for his liking. So in true Bret fashion, he decides to get things cooking...by taking the skanks to Larry Flynt's Hustler Club.

All the Random Blondes go nuts. "I see all these poles and I'm like, I'm home!" one screams. "The lame skanks haven't been in a Hustler Club," another shrills. That may be true, Random Blonde, but the library is free and has far less bodily fluids on the walls (we hope).

OK, I thought they may have hit rock bottom on the challenges with the "marry Bret and write meaningful vows" contest, but this one is even dumber and more meaningless than that. Upon entering what appears to be the Champagne Room, Bret presents three frumpy chicks an announces that the skanks will have to divide into teams and make over a frump. The team that makes their nottie the hottest hottie wins a super-awesome Bret Date. That's right: it's a fucking makeover challenge.

Naturally, the skanks all start laughing at the frumps and my first thought is, you can totally tell that all three girls are strippers wearing glasses, sweats and no makeup. It's sort of like that stupid movie with Freddie Prinze Jr. where the chick is totally cute but because she is wearing glasses and overalls we're supposed to believe she's a nerd.

Anyway, here comes the Aqua Net and blue eye shadow. Brows are drawn on with Sharpies. Sweats are discarded in favor of skinny jeans. Hair is teased and fluffed to appropriate trashiness. When the girls come out, they actually look kind of cute. We have Jamie, who is about the size of a plastic cocktail sword and who earns Bret's approval for bralessness; Jenny, who looks a bit like the older sister on The Wonder Years; and Kami, who Squishy says looks like Rosie O'Donnell in makeup.

Well, good job, girls. Bret likes what he sees and he simply can't make a decision, so he's just going to take all three team captains on date And, oh, by the way, would Jamie, Jenny and Kami like to join the "tour" and compete for Bret's heart? Sure!

Wait a minute! Did I just hear a record-scratching sound? Here's the big ol' monkey wrench Bret was talking about! For some reason, some of the skanks start clapping at the news while others just look pissed. Squishy, for one, is not going to take this standing up, so she marches onto Bret's bus to lie down...and talk. Bret thinks this is a sign that Squishy cares and immediately starts gossiping about the other whores with her. Here's Squishy's chance to share her man theory about Natasha, and, boy, does she take it, adding that she thinks Nat wears tutus to hide her bulge. Bret is intrigued and makes out with Squishy. Meanwhile, she's got a Hello Kitty tattoo and he's wearing that ridiculous "American Outlaw" airbrushed cowboy hat again.

So now it's date time and Bret takes Mindy, Natasha and Random Blonde #37 on a riverboat! I'm kind of bummed that they didn't all get dressed up in riverboat attire, with Bret donning a fake handlebar moustache, Colonial Sanders string tie and garters on his sleeves. It would have helped add a bit of interest, because this is likely the most boring date in RoL history. He makes out extensively with Mindy and considers asking Nat about her alleged dick, but decides she must be a girl because she freaks out when a bug lands on her. I'm really starting to hate Bret.

And this confirms it. As soon as he returns from the date, Bret summons Squishy and invites her on his personal Bret Bus. He plays a bad power ballad for her on his acoustic guitar and tells her he likes her "in a really hot, sexy girlfriend way." Jesus Christ, what is this...study hall? Plus, it must be noted that Squishy is hideous and is wearing a trucker hat that says "Beautiful Disaster" on it. Bret starts swallowing her, then takes her to the back of the bus, where he probably put on his American Outlaw hat and then engaged in adult interaction with Squishy. You and I are not the only ones shuddering. Bev's there, too.

The next day, Bret takes the three new girls on a bowling date and this is officially the most boring RoL date ever, even though Bret thinks it's awesome.

Once they get back, though, something interesting happens. Bret hits the hotel gym for a little workout and Dimples decides to use it as a chance to get some alone time because she's "shy." As she says this she's saunters into the room wearing what is essentially a napkin used as a halter with another napkin used as a skirt. Bret calls it the best motivation to work out ever and asks her to "tell me stuff." At this point, you can practically hear the wind whistling through her empty head. Bret goads her to talk several more times, but she just sits there like a dead plant with pierced dimples, Sharpie brows and skank suit smiling in that way that people smile where they hear a joke they don't understand. After what seems like an eternity of awkwardness, she gets up to leave with her boob hanging out and interviews that she thinks the physical connection is there but "I'm concerned that the other...what's that called? Mental? Emotional?...like isn't." Bret scratches his balls.

It's elimination time and let's make it quick and easy like ripping off a Band-Aid: Nat the possible man gets the boot. Over and out. I can't take it anymore.

Next week: Nashville, Mud Bowl 3, boobs and possible sex. A beautiful disaster indeed.

RoL3.2: Something borrowed, something used

God, here we go again. I've decided that I'm not even going to bother learning these skanks' names because they all look alike. Bev is the only one...she's kind of cool. Which means she doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning.

So today the gang boards the Whoremobiles to travel the long and lonesome highway east of Omaha to go to Indianapolis...where they're all going to marry Bret. Jesus christ. Just when you think these challenges couldn't get any dumber and more meaningless, the contestants are being asked to write wedding vows for Bret and bring him a gift that shows him who they are. What is Bret going to do with 13 pairs of crotchless panties? I guess we'll see...

Porny, for one, is taking this challenge very seriously. She interviews that she's truly in love with Bret for the rest of her life and they should fly on their beautiful wings of love to make the world a better place. I don't know what's scarier—her comments or her nose job. It reminds me of a decomposed Bo Derek.

While she's off being creepy, the others are bent over notebooks writing their vows in bubble letters and dotting their i's with little hearts. The New Age kook plans to dazzle Bret with her mysticism and spends the trip to Indy practicing a ridiculous undulating dance of love.

So the Slutmobiles pull up in front of a church and the gals are directed to a rack of outfits and accessories to create their wedding looks. It's a blur of tulle, fishnet and hot pink stretch satin. Meanwhile, Bret's waiting at the altar wearing a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt and his ever-present bandanna. The church (must be Unitarian) is decked out in burgandy and black and there's even a leather-clad biker lesbian with a Stratocaster to play "Here Comes the Bride." It's enough to make every stripper feel like Cinderella.

First up is Porny and she's on a mission to put every single one of her feelings out there on the table...with five pages of vows. There's terror in Bret's eyes as she mentions kissing away tears and being an umbrella in the rain. Cue Psycho reet-reet sound effects.

While she's treating this as if it really is her big day, some of the other girls are opting for a different, and more obvious approach. Random Blonde #1 writes her vows in verse and notes that if Bret buys the cow, he can hit it from behind. Brazil Nut promises to love, honor and never wear panties. Penthouse Pet Girl gives him framed pictures from her pictorials and some lingerie. Random Blonde #2 gives Bret an Ed Gein-esque plaster model of her torso. And Dimple Piercing Girl gives him her fucking vag stud. I mean, hygiene is getting compromised here.

Finally, we have the breath of fresh air known as Bev who comes down the isle wearing jeans and some kind of motocross t-shirt. She gives Bret the shirt and a helmet. We all know how one way to this man's heart is with dirt bikes, but the main way is with boobs, and Penthouse, Dimples and Random Blonde #1 win.

Back on the bus, Porny collapses on the couch in tears and whines "Am I not good enough?" Yikes. I sense and awkward evening. If anything, at least it with be whimsical, too. The gang is staying at the world-famous Fantasuite Hotel, a joint that features themed rooms. There's an Alien Invasion room with a spaceship-shaped bed and a Venetian room with a gondola. Everyone oohs and ahhs over the rooms and then gathers outside for a Tahitian-themed "reception." There's pigs-in-a-blanket, pineapple and ham poppers and booze a-flowing...and then the lap dances start.

Everyone takes turns writhing and undulating and snaking around Bret. Everyone that is, except Porny, who is sitting alone and sulking because Bret didn't appreciate her book of vows. So she decides it's time to turn her game up a notch. She dashes into her room and changes into what appears to be a child's bikini, slathers orange bronzer all over herself and makes her grand entrance with a shake and a shimmy and a "WHOOOOO!!!" Then she crawls across the lawn to Bret and stands on her head and sticks her crotch right under his nose.

Well, now that this party has been killed, the gang moves indoors where Bret announces that they're going to play a little game called Are You Smarter Than A Rock Star. The skanks can earn VIP passes for alone time with Bret by answering questions correctly. Security Goon Big John, who looks like he's starting to really hate this gig, starts reading off the questions and Bret keeps shouting out the correct answers. Since he can't give the passes to himself, he just hands them out to the three chicks that look the hottest: Penthouse, Natasha and Random Blonde #3.

Once again, Porny loses it and screetches to Natasha that she only got a pass because she's black. Dun-dun-dun! It's on, bitch! With accusations of racism flying Porny defends herself by screaming "My grandfather's black! He's a beautiful black man!" Is this really happening? I mean, they are all in a room with a spaceship and aliens so maybe where in an alternate universe of some kind. An alternate universe that reeks of regurgitated champagne.

So the next morning, Bret takes the wedding challenge winners on the world's most boring date in a fucking pumpkin patch. It's painful, so let's skip this BS. Upon returning to the hotel, Bret decides to meet with some of the randoms he hasn't had the chance to French yet. One of those randoms is the New Age freakshow. She immediately starts in about what a passionate, sexual person she is and how she thinks about sex all the time and sex, sex, sex. But, she also thinks the body is a sacred temple and...has vowed not to have sex for three years. Sorry, New Age...pack up your bindis and saris and get off the bus.

Elimination is anticlimactic, too. Of note is Porny having yet another breakdown where she interviews that she's not this "crazy, wild, naked person anymore" and it's becoming clear that her entire future, feelings of self-worth and, frankly, life is hinging on this show. Lucky for her, she's invited to stay around another week.

Next week: the Whoremobiles roll into Illinois, the gals play hockey with Hatchet Face, Random Blonde #4's implant pops and someone has a boyfriend back home and is accused of not being "there" for Bret. AGAIN.

RoL3.1: Open up and say...gahhhhhh

Hellooooo, 2009! Time to start anew. New resolutions, new plans, new things to look forward to...and the same old shit on this blog.

That's right, kids. Just in time for the third anniversary of Stupid & Contagious (yay!), my favorite reality train wreck Rock of Love is back for a third stab at making us think Bret Michaels really just wants a nice girl. The RockitKing has already given up on all of the Of Loves (thanks for nothing, Flav). But I, being mentally ill, am right here again, plopped in front of the TV and hating myself for the entire hour.

And what an hour it is. During the first ep of the last season of RoL, I mentioned my first impression was that I'd never seen so much bad hair in my life. Well, this time my first impression is that there are some plastic surgeons in this world that are on the run to South America as we speak, because what was done to some of these chicks can only be defined as criminally disfiguring. I mean, Michael Jackson's surgeon wouldn't say no and his nose fell off. At least half of these girls are struggling to stand upright. Bret seems to have gotten a little refresher, too. I'm guessing permanent cosmetics and a little chemical peel...

So once again, Bret kicks the show off by taking photos of the girls "for their backstage passes" and makes the same stupid joke for the third time about getting a look at their souls through the lens. The lineup of skanks this time around looks like a fucking sideshow. One girl, Gia, makes a big stink about how she loves being tied up. Another stunner named Brittanya has her dimples pierced and describes herself as "a little bit not too smart."

The first ho to step up and get her picture taken is Brittaney (not to be confused with Brittanya) and she looks a little familiar to Bret. Surprise! She's a porn star! And Bret, of course, is familiar with her "work." She hopes Bret won't hold her past against her. Seriously.

Then we have Constandina who hails from the "Appalachian mountains" and has a master's degree in storytelling. She references her "third eye" and I can already tell she's not going to win so let's not waste too much time on her. We also have Ashley, who Bret says looks like Juliette Lewis, but looks more like a Barbie doll, but when you squish its forehead into its chin, to me. Next in line is wild animal trainer Megan; brothel-madam-wannabe Natasha; Brazilian nut Marcia; a 40-year old with chicken cutlets for cheeks named Maria; Poison groupie Beverly; a Penthouse Pet named Taya who shows Bret her ass; and finally Mindy, who recently had her face sharpened.

And then there's Nikki, or as she calls herself, DJ Lady Tribe, or as I like to call "her," The Thing. The Thing makes Daisy and Frenchie from last season look like pillars of class and sophistication. I mean, she is seriously the most disgusting hot mess of melted plastic, synthetic hair and goofballs I've ever seen in my life. To tantalize Bret, she sings him a rap that she wrote herself...on two pieces of paper with the headings GENITAL HERPES and GONHORREA. I wish I was making this up. Then she appears on camera slurring that everything she's on "is legal" before belching into the camera. And it only gets worse from here, if you can believe it. Just you wait.

So this season, Bret decides that he can't keep a girl because he can't find someone who can hang on the road. So he's loading all the hobags on tour busses and dragging them around the country with him on his solo tour. Of course, he makes the same wisecrack about rock n' roll being the cause of and the solution to all his relationships. Thank god he doesn't reference rock as his "bitch goddess" again, though. The bitches load up on blue and pink tour busses, with help from our old friend Security Goon Big John, who is shown emptying a trash can that seems to be filled to the brim with tampons. Oh god, please bleach your hands after that, Security Goon Big John.

As soon as the busses hit the highway, the drama begins. Squishy Barbie Doll Head and Brazil Nut start fighting right off the bat all the way to the first stop in Louisville. There, they meet Bret at his concert and are immediately brought out on stage to skank it up for the crowd. All manner of drunken antics take place including make outs, boob reveals and ass lickings. About three-quarters of the girls act like mega-sluts in front of the audience while the rest interview their disgust. Then if that wasn't bad enough, the real action starts in at the after-party.

OK, when I say real action, what I really mean is likely the skankiest thing to ever happen in the history of reality TV. I mean, it's so skanky that even the skanks were grossed out. Want me to tell you what it was? OK, brace yourself. Gia the Masochist announces that she's not wearing underwear and hops up on the bar to prove it. The Thing announces that she's horny and proceeds to...how shall I say this? OK, she has a test tube shot, and she puts it in the test tube rack, and then she drinks from the test tube...oh hell, we don't get to see it, and thank god, because even Bret looks disgusted.

Ick, yuck, blech, gahhhhhh...anyone know how to do an at-home lobotomy?

Anyway, moving on from that unpleasantness...

The next day (?), the miscreants are allowed to leave the cramped shittiness of the tour bus and move into cushy hotel rooms, stocked full with all the booze one could ever hope for. Brazil Nut is in heaven with her bottle of tequila. She's like a chain smoker, except with shots. She's dancing around, whistling, doing cartwheels and you know what's coming next. That's right: vomit on the first episode!! A RoL first! And to make it even better, she staggers out of the bathroom, lurches up to Bret and Frenches him. Toilet seat to Bret's lips—this may be the best RoL episode ever!

After that traumatic experience, Bret pulls tomboy Beverly aside for some alone time and instantly takes to her when she says he's the only one on her free pass list, not including Edward Norton in American History X. Is that before or after the curb stomp scene, Bev? Of course, Bret doesn't ask that or any other important questions. He just immediately starts giving Bev a tongue bath.

Next Bret is accosted by Porn Girl, who looks like an even more broken down Jerry Hall, and who starts showering him with neediness. Last season, Inna the Tank introduced herself to Bret with the immortal line, "My father was never there and I just want someone to love me." Porny says essentially the same thing and adds, "If you want me to be bisexual, I will" which is even more pitiful. Bret actually interviews that she's coming off too needy and wisely gets the hell out of the situation ASAP.

After a couple more fights, it's elimination time, and The Thing is wearing a red bathing suit and can barely stand up. Bret says there's urgency in the elimination ceremony this year because "I have to be in Indianapolis by morning." Better get moving, Bret! It's a long haul from Louisville! To make it snappy, Bret calls the names of the girls on the chopping block and it's all the ladies that caused the most drama on this ep. Of the group, Bret decides to keep Brazil Nut and Porny around for another week, which means Gia's out and, goddammit, The Thing is gone! The Thing is splayed out on the floor of the studio while the PAs are tearing down the set around her. Two hapless assistants have to drag her off the set. Oh, Thing, no one will ever forget you. You and your test tube shots...

This season: boobs, ass painting, bikini hockey, boobs, Hatchet again, "bitch," "I'll knock your ass out," boobs, Mud Bowl 3, and big john saying "I specifically asked you guys not to be slutty." Happy new year!

RoL2.9: The positively true adventures of an aging, strident stripper spy

Guess who's back...back again. Shady's back, tell a friend.

And Shady = our favorite aging, strident stripper and last season's love loser ASHeather! This oughta be good.

So the show kicks off with Bret continuing his role as Ed Hardy's personal hand jobbist. Did Bret buy the whole fucking store or what? But he's not there to pontificate on douchey rock fashion, he wants to introduce the skanks to some very special guests—their EXES! In walks Destiney's surprisingly preppy ex-hubby, J-Simp and Megan's fratish former bfs, Ambre's somewhat nerdy friend and...Nikki Sixx, but not quite! Who knew he and Alexis Arquette had been an item? And who knew he was so emo? I don't care for it, but I am looking forward to possible hair metal fisticuffs between him and Bret.

Also, too bad Kristy Joe didn't stick around for this! Especially after she just dumped her husband over the phone for Bret! Ah, what could have been...

Anyway, Bret also announces that one of his "exes" is also there...and big shockeroo, it's ASHeather. To my delight, Bret explains that he's going to hang with the guys to get dirt on the skanks while ASHeather beats deep, dark secrets out of the hos. For a second I think that Bret is going to add ASHeather back into the competition, a la New York on Flavor of Love. But it looks as if she's simply there to act bitchy and intimidate people. Which is good enough for me!

ASHeather gets the party off predictably. Within seconds the Whore House is alive with the sound of floosies. The gals start doing body shots, ripping their tops off, making out, etc., ad nauseum. Jesus, just pull out the double dongs already.

The boys' gathering is far less sordid...and far, far less interesting. Bret awkwardly starts quizzing the guys about their former sweeties and the "juicy tidbits" they reveal are more like juiceless statements that could be made about anyone. I'm completely fascinated that this stodgy dude that looks like he should be named Wilhelm J. Buffington III and wearing an ascot was married to a wild n' trashy hobag like Destiney. Also, Nikki Sevven is wearing a freaking porkpie hat that looks like it says "Ed Grimley" or something on it.

This is boring, so let's get back to the good stuff. Back at Whore Mansion, ASHeather is urging the skanks to tell her who they hate most and then oh-so-casually mentions that Megan looks familiar. Bomb drop! Megan was a contestant on Beauty and the Geek! What's a girl to do upon hearing news like this? Why, play truth or dare in the hot tub, of course! At least, that's what ASHeather would do...Destiney would just do a naked cartwheel. I wonder if she ever did that for Thurstin Howell Astin Martin man.

Then, out of nowhere Alexis starts having some kind of motor skill malfunction. She is blubbering and crying and doing these weird rapper-ish hand gestures. What could be the problem, Alexis? Either she's drunk or she's upset because she hasn't been entirely truthful with Bret. Come now, Alexis, sit on Auntie ASHeather's lap and tell her what's the matter. I know it's gotta be hard to tell Bret that you have a penis. Anyway, she starts lamenting to Heather about Nikki Sevven and their relationship and blah, blah, blah. And, oh, she reveals that she still lives with her ex. In a one bedroom apartment. But they haven't "done anything" in two years. Hold the phone, Slutterella! Now we're talking with some juice! Meanwhile, ASHeather looks exactly like the Texas cheerleader murdering mom. Actually, she looks more like Verna Heath, the Texas cheerleader murdering mom's intended victim. But she is so totally the Wanda Holloway in this made-for-TV drama.

Elsewhere in the house, our little J-Simp seems to have had a bit too much to drink. Actually, she's wandering around the house in a gold bikini completely smashed out of her gourd. She screams and cries and hugs people and stuffs food in her face and then...YES! We finally have vomit! The other girls carry J-Simp up to bed and she limply falls into the sack, then suddenly and jumps up and tackles ASHeather in a particularly violent drunk hug. When Bret arrives, she accosts him and pushes her smeared, mascara-stained face into his and blows puke breath all over him. So it's just a regular night for Bret.

Bret grabs ASHeather to find out the results of her super-sleuthing. Megan may be a big media ho, but at least she's got a great rack, she says. And J-Simp is so young. And Destiney seems to be a total rock cock groupie. And she's not so sure about Alexis because she's still getting regular Dutch ovens from Nikki Sevven. Record-scratching sound! Bret voiceovers that he was blindsighted by that revelation. When he confronts them about it, Sevven assures Bret that they are not together and he is totally fine with him sticking his dick in Alexis. Great! Glad that's all settled.

Out by the pool, Megan is in tears and tells Ambre that she's hurt because her ex showed up wearing a t-shirt with the name of his bar on it and told her he only came on the show to get free advertising. How could he do this to her? And how stupid can she be to tell Ambre this? Because naturally she runs directly to Bret and squeals. Bret "tries" to ask Megan if she still has feelings for her ex, but it instead devolves into a repeat of last week when Meg just palms his head and they start tongue wrestling. Zzzzzzzz.

Thank god it's time for elimination. Amber interviews that she's feeling pretty confident because she didn't throw up, she's not a stripper and she doesn't live with her ex-boyfriend. Of course, she makes it through, as does Alexis, Destiney and J-Simp. That means Megan's out! She awkwardly stands staring at Bret and slowly shaking her head. Dude, it's not the fucking Kennedy assasination. I'm sure it's not the last time we'll see this chick on reality TV, mark my words.

Next week: Vegas, baby! With ASHeather! And bitchfights! And bitchslapping! And drinks thrown in people's faces!

RoL2.8: Sad trees and crazy mountains

Sorry, everyone. I'm fully aware that I completely suck. I would go on and on about how work has been hectic and how I just haven't been inspired to blog, but no one cares about all that. All you people want is RoL and I'm going to follow through with what I've started and bring that to you.

OK, maybe you don't care about that either. But whatevs, I'm still going to attempt to get in all of this season, too, because I'm totally anal retentive.

Anyway, let's have at it. It's workout time in the Whore House and Destiney is shown weakly pummeling a bag. But while some of the hoes are exercising, one is exercising her right to freedom. That's right: Kristy Joe calls up her hubby and tells him she wants to go through with a divorce. Over the phone. I would say that's quite the fuck you to this guy, but surely he knew she was coming on to this show and that no woman is impervious to the musky charms of Bret Michaels. Duh, what did he expect?

Next we see Bret wearing a tank top (musky!) and standing next to a bed displaying a cornocopia of slutty props and a rack of slutty Halloween costumes. Let's see: there's slutty schoolgirl, slutty nurse, slutty cowgirl, slutty nun, slutty linebacker, slutty prostitute. Let me guess...the girls are going to film a porno?

Close: they're going to be making music videos! The songs they are to animate are Bret's own, of course—"Go That Far" and "Fallen" ("Fallin'"?). I wonder if these songs are from either of his hit albums Broken Road or When Love Dances With the Devil? The skanks are introduced to Dean Karr, a music video director who has worked with Ozzy, Tool and Marilyn Manson and who will be giving them helpful guidance on the right angles to writhe at or something. He turns out to do pretty much nothing except paw at Alexis Arquette while she tries to film.

The gals are divided into two groups and Kristy Joe, Ambre and Megan are assigned the power ballad. Amber directs and KJ stars as a heartbroken Playmate who seems to have lost love or something. It's all stupid and involves a lot of forelorn looks and bad acting from KJ and Megan. But at least this group tries to create something resembling a storyline. The other team's original idea is to dress innocent-looking J-Simp in the slutty schoolgirl outfit and lure her into a seedy strip club where Destiney and Alexis Arquette turn her into a bad girl. Boobs fly everywhere and the stripper pole is greased appropriately. As a final innovation, they throw in a lesbo makeout scene for good measure.

So who do you think wins? Surprise! It's the creative team of Ambre, Megan and KJ! Ambre, as creative director, gets a very special solo Bret Date that he promises will be "very cool, very vibe-y", while the other two get their own little fantasy date the next day.

Now we come to my favorite part of this episode. The "cool, vibe-y" date that Bret alluded to is in his bedroom. Just when you think Ambre is in for some back-of-the-bus action, Bret introduces Satish Dhalakia, and "Eastern master healer" and oh my god, that's no random guy...Doug Henning's ghost has inhabited Yanni's body and is running around passing himself off as some kind of reiki guru!

Doug Yanni starts reading Ambre and Bret's tea leaves or something and tells them they have known each other for centuries. He tells them they need to become hollow bamboos so god can blow through them and I'll bet Bret's thinking he should have just taken her to Don Pablo's for margatini happy hour.

Also of note during this scene is that Ambre claims to be 32. She better be careful—if she lies while god is blowing through her bamboo then 30 disabled orphans will die.

Next we have what may amount to one of the dumbest moves ever made by a skank on this show (and we all know that's saying a lot). KJ gets the bright idea that she needs to tell Bret she's getting divorced RIGHT NOW and starts pounding on his door during his date with Ambre. Bret says that unless it's god or Security Goon Big John with a beer then he's not going to be happy. When he sees it's KJ, he looks pretty annoyed and then exacts the best revenge ever. Bret tells Doug Yanni that someone in this house needs their chakra cleaned up and that she is a "soul in turmoil" then pushes his Eastern healing off on KJ! Brilliant!

Doug Yanni makes KJ sit cross-legged on the floor and says, "Have you ever seen a sad tree? A frustrated ocean? A crazy mountain?" I swear, I'm not making this up. As all this is going on, Bret is making out with Ambre in his rock star love nest without a worry of another interruption from Kristy Joe.

But then something unexplainable happens. After all that effort to get rid of KJ, Bret calls her back to his room to "talk." Daisy, J-Simp and Destiney gather on the stairs outside Bret's room crying like they're at the gates of Graceland. There, there, girls. We know how much you all want to fuck Kristy Joe...

Speaking of which, the next day Bret takes KJ and Megan on a date at a super-fancy hotel restaurant and Megan decides to use the opportunity to show KJ—and the rest of the innocent patrons at the restaurant—that she's not a contender to take lightly. In full view of everyone, Meg climbs right over the lobster bisque and selection of cheeses and dates, straddles Bret and attempts to swallow him whole. Bret "gives in" and accepts her demon tongue into his gullet. Ever the party-pooper, KJ leaves the table and hangs out in the lounge until Megan is done consuming Bret's innards.

Back at the Whore House it's elimination time and KJ thinks she's going to get the ol' heave-ho because everyone thinks she's nuts. But tonight there is a twist, my friends. Indeed, it comes down to KJ and (surprisingly) Megan, who is still picking Bret's weave hairs from her teeth, but in a totally unexpected turn of events, Bret gives KJ the choice to stay or go. And holy shit, she chooses to GO, bitches! For the first time since RoL has been poisoning our airwaves, Bret Michaels gets the big ol' diss and actually looks defeated. He walks KJ out, kisses her goodbye, half-heartedly tells Megan she can stay and then retreats to his room without the usual Bret Beer toast! Holy SHIT, Bret's got a broken heart!

Damn, guess it wasn't just the girls that wanted to fuck KJ.

Next week: it's another blast from the past kids! Here's a hint: this one's got big hair, big boobs and an aging, strident attitude...

RoL2.7: I hate you, snow

Remind me why I live in Cowtown again? Oh right, so I get snowed in and have nothing better to do than write about RoL. Which I'd probably be doing anyway.

So let's get to it. Once again, it's morning at the Whore House and Bret refers to the "innocence of morning," including the sweet sounds of belching frogs. And speaking of belching frogs, here comes the Hulk! Oh wait, it's just Inna. Sorry.

Inna the Tank is bummed out because she thinks she and Bret are losing their "connection" and all I have to say is that I can't believe Bret didn't vote her off when she sat on his lap and said, "My father wasn't around and I just want someone to love me" on the first episode. Wow, that's so hot.

The hoes are asked to gather in the living room to learn about the day's challenge and Bret is waiting for them along with two silver foxes wearing leotards. We learn that the oldsters are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, two USO performers for the last 50 years. The girls find out that they are going to develop variety show acts and perform in front of a group of veterans. How cute! Ambre makes a stunning blow job face to signify her surprise. She kind of reminds me of Andre from Project Runway 2...remember how he always made this "Oh my god, shut! UP!" face whenever they found out what they would be doing?

Megan and Jessica Simpson decide that they are going to recite the preamble to the Constitution...while hula hooping. You'd think that was "challenging" enough, until you see Megan trying to read. She's like a plant. She actually says she doesn't understand the preamble and adds, "I was learning new words!" Like and and the! I hope she also learned that the Constitution grants her the freedom to be a skank. If we didn't have the Constitution, Megan wouldn't exist.

Tank and Destiney decide they are going to dance and Tank has made the unfortunate choice of wearing a mesh crop top that accentuates her flabby gut. They are also completely pitiful and barely able to do simple dance steps. How can they be expected to dance where there is no pole involved? Anyway, during rehearsals they still can't get it and Tank starts telling off Joan. What?? Telling off a silver fox is a pretty low blow, Tank. But then again, Tank doesn't know what love is and she's just putting up walls, I'm sure.

Alexis Arquette says she'll jump through fire if she has to, but she settles for singing "The Star Spangled Banner," and Kristy Joe and Ambre decide to do a tap routine.

The gang gathers at a vets hall set and the show begins. Ambre and and Kristy Joe go first and Ambre is cute as can be with her little tap routine, but Kristy Joe looks like Michigan J. Frog with legs flailing and akimbo arms thrashing and Bret describes her as a monkey on crack. Boring.

Next, Megan and J-Simp come out, strip off their nurse uniform and start hula hooping. The camera cuts to some of the vets in the audience and they look like they are either confused or drooling and then Bret makes a crack about "the general salutes you." Again boring.

Now we have Destiney and Tank dancing and as expected they are horrible and they seem to know it because suddenly they start stripping and showing their fat thong-clad asses to the crowd. Joan just about dies on the spot and I'm with her because I can't think of two chicks these guys would rather see nude less. Bret comments that these vets have seen some pretty horrific things, but nothing quite as horrific as this. Which is probably the most insightful thing Bret has said all season.

Finally, Alexis Arquette comes out wearing a sailor suit for some reason and starts sexily crooning our national anthem. Some of the vets don't even stand up right away because they aren't sure what they are hearing and because Alexis looks like she's about to fellate the microphone. J-Simp says that not only is she tone deaf, but she doesn't know the words even though she's holding a sheet with the words on it. By the way, I read this week that she's the niece of Oscar de la Hoya, which is kinda weird...did you guys know this?

So, anyway, the madness is mercifully over and based on applause from the vets, the hula hoopers win the competition and a super-sexxxy Bret Date.

Upon returning to Casa de Puta, Bret "whips up" a dinner for everyone with plenty of vino and prompts the girls to say catty things about each other and pontificate on who is there for the "wrong reasons." At first, the skanks are unwilling to rat on everyone, but then Ambre calls out Kristy Joe as someone who "puts on a facade" and how she "talks about exes with passion." Suddenly, Destiney jumps in and starts throwing a tantrum that even Britney's kids would find impressive about how KJ "doesn't have to explain herself to anybody." Frankly, it makes no sense. KJ jumps up and the two practically start pissing on the table. Instead of finding it a hot turn-on, Bret acts like he thinks it's an ugly scene and leaves the table.

But of course, later Bret goes to find KJ to see if she's "OK" (translation: Bret has a hard-on) and finds her packing her bags. Bret gives her a hug and her head is right in his crotch. He comments that he doesn't know KJ at all...what?? Didn't she spend the night in his room on the last ep? Well, I guess that means they didn't necessarily talk, so what do I know?

The next day, Megan and J-Simp get all skanked up for their date with Bret and he takes them to Ed Hardy to buy overpriced tees and trucker hats and have some pierced dude do a "couture custom cutting" on the shirts for them. Megan interviews that J-Simp is overwhelmed and excited and calls her pathetic. I guess being excited about shopping isn't nearly as pathetic as being unable to memorize one sentence for a hula hooping act. At lunch (which wasn't set up in the store!) Bret again encourages the girls to slag on each other and it's revealed that Tank threw her weight around (hee hee!) with Golden Girl Joan. Bret is pissed about that and I think we can see where elimination is going tonight.

And thank god it's time for elimination. Bret is wearing that godforsaken "American Outlaw" airbrushed cowboy hat again from last season. He starts handing out passes and votes off...The Rock? Hey, when did he show up?? Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bye, Inna.

So KJ stays around for another week and at this point it's obvious that Bret has a major bonor for her. Destiney says, "I wish that skank would leave." (Translation: I wish that skank would play doctor with me.)

Next week: the girls become oiled-up video hoes, and Amber starts cockfighting Destiney for KJ.

RoL2.6: Pigs and pokes

Fuck the Oscars...I have nothing to say about that boring shit (except that John Travolta needs to be put to sleep immediately). I may have even fallen asleep, but I don't remember it was just one big blur of blather.

So on with my usual 'round the clock Rock of Love coverage.

When we left off last week, Bret kept all the skanks around for another week to give them all a chance to prove themselves to him again and win Bret Dates. Bret wakes all the girls up the next morning and informs them that he "needs a girl who can ride in the wild." If that's what he wants, he should take a look at Kristy Joe without makeup on. Girlfriend looks like she just stumbled off a rough week of moneymakin' in Bangkok.

It turns out the wild that Bret's talking about is actually the burbs and the gang is limoed out to a farm. Bret greets them then announces a special guest as "a woman of stature and insanity." It's none other than Rodeo! She charges up on a horse cackling manically the whole way. Oh, how I missed Rodeo! The new crop of skanks have nothing on Rodeo and crew.

Anyway, Rodeo announces that the gals will be participating in a "rodeo relay" and her explanation of the game is really confusing but it has something to do with riding horses, roping a bale of hay and grabbing bandannas off of greased pigs. Catherine, who looks cute as pie in her pigtails and cowgirl boots, is stoked because she's an experienced rider who has barrel raced her whole life. Finally, Catherine thinks she's finally going to get a date with Bret (foreshadowing!).

Catherine lucks out because Hulk Hogan shows up and she chooses him to be on her team! Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bitchy Megan is chosen last and chalks it up to the girls being jealous. "They don't know what it's like going through life hot," she opines. When men are intimidated by you and women hate you, it's a lonely, lonely life. Too bad Megan had to leave her lucrative modeling career behind and resort to reality television to find a man. As Nazareth once said, "Some fools fool themselves I guess."

The competition is close and it all comes down to the final challenge of greased pig wrestling. Alexis Arquette interviews, "These pigs went to college because they are a lot smarter than they look." I don't know, Lexi, they look pretty smart to me. Comparitively, of course. The little piggies are also very cute and they race around their pen, giving the brain surgeons a run for their money. At the last minute, Jessica (who?) grabs the final bandanna and wins it all for Ambre's team. Catherine is devestated. She says she feels like she's on death row and is inconsolable. Get over it, Cath...you're a total MILF. Bret can't deal with people his own age, so get out while you can.

After making a series of horrible greased pig jokes, Bret announces that Jessica is the MVP and will get a solo date the following evening. But first, he's taking Ambre, Destiney and Kristy Joe out to dinner. In the dark! This restaurant, called Opaque, features dining in complete darkness. Even the servers are blind. Oh my god, I saw this on CSI! It actually looks like something I wouldn't mind trying out with the RockitKing, if you know what I'm sayin'.

First we get to see what the gang is experiencing with a blank screen and the sound of Ambre yakking away endlessy. Then, thanks to a Buffalo Bill night vision view, we get to see what Bret is experiencing, which is a total porno makeout session with Kristy Joe. She's sucking on his finger, she's gnawing on his neck, she's karate chopping his peepee. Once again, I wonder what happened to the germ phobia she was so vehement about on the first ep.

To further the spread of germs, when Kristy Joe and Destiney go to the bathroom, Ambre scooches right over and starts making out with Bret herself. Yucky! To make it worse, she says, "All I'm thinking is, 'I hope this is Bret I'm kissing!'" Tee hee! Good timing, dumbass. A minute sooner and you would have realized what was happening while you were telling your life story. Come to think of it, a bitch fight in the dark would have been hilarious. Bret's assessment of the whole thing is that he "got to meet the girls a much different levels."

When we return to Skank Manor we get to see Michael Clarke Duncan wearing a bikini—what the fuck?? Oh wait, that's Inna. Sorry. The mood is tense around the house when Bret takes Kristy Joe to his room and locks the door. He interviews that Kristy Joe is crazy and it turns him on. What is up with Bret's thing for crazy chicks? They should have just sent Bret to a women's mental institution and let him have at it. KJ finally leaves around 4:30 a.m. looking a bit disheveled if you know what I mean.

The next morning, Catherine signs her own death warrant by deciding to make her own date with Bret. She whips up some breakfast, dons a fetching leopard minidress and lipstick and takes a tray to Bret's room. Megan says Catherine is like "an old horse that you have to shoot or something"—what is she, four? Catherine pounds on Bret's door and of course Bret is snoozing away. She wakes him up and you think he's going to be pissed, but he actually seems to appreciate it and Catherine gets to make out with Bret a little bit. God, I think I'm starting to develop a germ phobia watching all this spit swapping...

In the meantime, Jessica is all ready for her solo date and she totally reminds me of Jessica Simpson, complete with the virgin/whore persona and vacant expression. She and Bret are driven to a paintball park and as they are target practicing, Bret's gun jams. Jess says, "I know what will work" and surprises him with some tongue action. I have to admit, it was a pretty smooth move and of course, Bret loves it.

The pair plays against Security Goon Big John, who we find out was a Marine who served in Somolia and Desert Storm, and then have lunch in the middle of the paintball field. Nothing really exciting happens, but I'm once again fascinated by the romantic lunch/dinner tables that always are always set up in the middle of fields or on race tracks or in lingerie stores. Jess says, "There's nothing quite like making out in a field full of paint and guns and sweat" and then tells Bret she wants him to "throw me on the bed and ravish me." Bret is giddy that Jessica's sweet exterior is melting away to expose her inner tramp.

Back at Bret's Brothel, Megan and Alexis Arquette grab lawn chairs and camp out at Bret's door wearing bikinis. Alexis says she hopes Bret hasn't forgotten about her, and of course he hasn't...she's the one with the Adam's apple. Bret returns and it's mercifully time for the elimination ceremony. Hurley from Lost is standing in the lineup wearing nude lipstick and black paint on his eyelids. Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. Bret calls her his "Ukranian love tank" and I'm sure she took that as a compliment, but I'll bet he keeps passing her through because he's afraid she'll squeeze his head like a zit until it pops.

Kristy Joe also makes it through again, which is no surprise, and Destiney interviews that KJ is stealing all her time with Bret and "I want to see her die." Aww, someone has a girl crush!

In another not-at-all-surprising move, Bret lets Catherine and Peyton go. I'm sorry, but Catherine is a total babe. If she did something about the feathered bangs she'd be the hottest chick in the house. Peyton may have been kinda cool, but I couldn't get the Amy Madigan thing out of my head, so I'm sort of glad to see her go. Youth reigns once again.

Next week: the gals strip for veterans and Destiney's lesbo crush on Kristy Joe hits a fever pitch.

RoL2.5: Dirty slutty things

It completely sucks to be without a computer. Not only that, but I'm two eps behind on RoL recaps, I missed Norwegian Black Metal Day (but hopefully you celebrated anyway), and I am marinating in a cesspool of food wrappers and cat puke. What can I say? I'm lazy.

But now my 'puter is back in my arms and good as new! So there's one thing fixed, I guess.

Anyhoo, here's my synopsis of the latest RoL, but don't think I'm going to forget about the other two eps I missed. One of these days there will be a marathon and I'll be caught up at last. It's a challenge to myself...I have goals and dreams, you see.

So the show starts off with a huge shock...Security Goon Big John is hatless! And he has hair! I was convinced he was balder than Bret under that filthy baseball cap/bandanna combo he always wears. Not so—he's got quite the mop going. The next test is to see if he ever goes hatless around Bret. Sort of like how Nicole Kidman was never allowed to wear heels when she was married to Tom Cruise.

Anyway, since we're down to the Fine Nine, it's Mud Bowl time! Remember last season's Mud Bowl? I don't really either. But I do remember that the skanks were divided onto teams based on if they were good or bad. This year, the Sweethearts team consists of Catherine, Ambre, Jessica (who's that?) and Peyton and the Fallen Angels bad girls are Alexis Arquette, Kristy Joe, Destiney and Fatass Inna. Megan sits out and therefore forfeits her chance for a super-sexxxy Bret Date.

The twist to this Mud Bowl is that Bret is in control of some kind of weather machine that spits out rain, wind and snow at his command. Because of this, he announces that he is "a god" today and who does he think he is paraphrasing the great and mighty Plant?

Anyway, the game begins and Ambre immediately scores two touchdowns. It's torturous to watch the hoes trying to be sexy while they are getting body slammed into a cesspool of mud and (hopefully) shit. They may be playing slip n' slide in the dirt, but god forbid if their bellies aren't bared appropriately. Alexis Arquette is the go-to gal for the Fallen Angels team and she keeps trying to shout orders through her mouthguard. Wow, even with something shoved in her maw, she keeps on talking. Maybe she IS the right girl for Bret!

Kristy Joe puts the Fallen Angels on the board and the game goes into sudden death. Ambre fumbles and the Fallen Angels win when Refrigerator Perry shows up, picks up the fumble and scores a touchdown! Hey, when did he get in the game? Oh wait, that's just Inna. Sorry. The champion team moons the losers and Alexis Arquette is named MVP because it takes some true skill to play a rough game of padless, tackle football with a tuck.

So Alexis Arquette gets ready for her night out with "god" and this has got to be the weirdest Bret Date we've seen yet. The limo pulls up to a place called Foreplay which sells all manner of trashy lingerie. Basically, Frederick's of Hollywood would deem this stuff too tacky to sell. The "date" consists of Bret picking out the most tramptastic outfits he can find and giving them to Alexis Arquette to model for him. First she's a slutty schoolgirl, then she's a slutty gangster's moll, then she's wearing some kind of boob slingshot. And then she and Bret sit down to a romantical dinner. In the middle of the skanky lingerie store. Weird.

Once again, we get to see what a marathon talker Alexis Arquette is, as she blabbers on and on and asks questions and tells stupid stories, and of course Bret gets bored. A flashback suggests that Alexis Arquette should just shut it and put on a slutty Bo Peep outfit. All I can say is that I hope Bret's into hummers.

Back at Maison de Putain Peyton and Catherine are lamenting the fact that they haven't had solo dates with Bret. Peyton, who I just realized reminds me of Amy Madigan in Uncle Buck, decides to be proactive and tape a note to Bret's door that says she urgently needs to talk to him. It just so happens that at exactly the same time in a totally not-at-all contrived scene, Megan is also writing Bret a note on a little piece of heart-shaped construction paper, which she wants to leave on his door. Megan interviews that she goes to put her "very cute nice note on my boyfriend's door and then I see a gross note," which she immediately removes from the door and replaces with her own.

Then, in another completely random moment Peyton decides to make sure her note doesn't sound crazy and returns to Bret's door to find it gone. So she writes another one and this time slides it under the door. But then Megan returns and fishes around in the door crack and manages to retrieve Peyton's note. OK, Megan is creepy. She talks really slowly and has the sociopathic "who, little ol' me?" presentation of Norman Bates. Also, she's really, really stupid. Unfortunately, this completely unplanned incident comes back at elimination.

At this point, Bret and Alexis Arquette return from their hot lingerie store date and Catherine makes her move to spend some alone time with Bret. Instead of talking, they just French for about an hour. Alexis Arquette interviews that Catherine reminds her of Peggy Bundy and then tries to butt in on their makeout session. Catherine calls her a bitch and then Bret goes to bed.

The next day, Bret takes the other girls from the winning team to a racetrack to speed around in a yellow Penis Compensation Vehicle. The actual driving is really boring, except when the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape? shows up wearing a skin-tight racing jumpsuit and announces she can't drive stick. Oh, wait, that's Inna. Sorry.

Bret sits down with the three gals for lunch and once again starts gossiping like a woman about the other girls, and Kristy Joe drops the bomb that she has not one, but TWO restraining orders on not one, but TWO ex-husbands. Bret looks horrified and I'm wondering if she has terrible taste in guys or if she's just really, really dramatic. And I'm also wondering what happened to her crippling germ phobia from episode one. Maybe she issues restraining orders against people who don't take three showers a day.

Back at the house, Bret meets privately with Peyton and she immediately starts sobbing. Here's a little secret that PeyPey doesn't know yet—Bret didn't see her note because Megan stole it! How embarrassing! But not as embarrassing as when Bret responds to her question of "Are you attracted to me?" with "Don't take this the wrong way..." and then proceeds to tell her that he doesn't want to play the "friendship rock-out buddy card where we become friends who occasionally fuck." Ouch. Who needs dignity when we could be vying to be more than a fuck buddy to Bret Michaels?

Mercifully, it's elimination time and Megan says, "Me and Bret have a mental, like, Superman...like, psychological connection." It should be noted that Megan says this while wearing a silk lingerie bra top and Daisy Dukes. So I'm sure that's exactly what the big connection is, Lois Lane.

Bret shows up at the ceremony wearing more eyeliner than any of the girls and starts handing out passes. When he gets to Megan, he says in a free-flowing, not-at-all cut-and-pasted sentence, "She was the [cut] only girl [cut] to [cut] put a letter [cut] on [cut] my door." Peyton looks pissed and mentions ripping someone a new asshole and Megan voiceovers that Bret "wants to date [her], not my grandma" and Megan, I knew Hatchet Face and you, madam, are no Hatchet Face.

So it comes down to Peyton and—surprise!—Alexis Arquette! After Bret slutted her up and pretended to be interested in her baby babble she ends up in the bottom two! Bret is a total dick! Alexis makes a sad face that makes her look like her face is melting off and Bret calls her to come over to him. In a totally unexpected surprise twist, Bret announces he's saved the best for last and that he wants to keep ALL the girls around this week! Oh, noble god Bret! Maybe you really DO care about their hearts and minds and not just their boobs and deep throating abilities!

As the episode fades out, the gang cracks open beers and we hear Bret say, "Oops, did you get it in the face?" Ah, that's more like it. Bret stays just as we like him: crude, rude and in the mood!

Next week: since Bret was being nice this week, TWO bitches are being sent home! Step it up, skanks.

RoL2.2: Peepshow, creepshow

It's the morning after the first elimination at the Whore House and the only sounds to be heard are snoring, gurgling and some unidentified sucking sounds. And there's Courtney, who you may remember as the girl who got drunk off her ass last week and missed elimination.

When Peyton informs her that her tour has ended, Courtney actually can't believe it and says, "Ooh, that sucks. I'm going home because I'm a dumbass." No, it's probably because you're fat and ugly and some girl with Botox was wearing the same outfit as you! As she dejectedly drags her suitcase down the stairs someone shouts, "Stay off the sauce!" Poor Courtney, but now it's time for her therapist to deal with it.

Meanwhile, as the other hoes are spackling on makeup and flatironing their bleach-scorched locks, a bomb is dropped. Sara reveals she came on the show as a dare and she lied to her parents and said she was just going to visit friends in LA. Inna the fat stripper is practically drooling with this little tidbit. Her strategy is to tell blabbermouth Alexis Arquette who immediately runs to Bret. Bret is tossing a football with Security Goon Big John and AA is all, "Let me try!" then throws it over the fence. As Security Goon Big John runs to fetch it, AA tattles on Sarah. Bret seems to be thinking like real media whore now because he instantly assumes this is some kind of weird strategy.

So the skanks get a note about their next challenge, and it's a talent show. I have to say at this moment that Angelique/Frenchie has got to be the most horrifying creature I have ever seen. She is the very definition of someone who has been rode hard and put away wet—an unfortunate-looking chick who lets guys put their dicks anywhere they want to get attention. I can't help but feel a little bit bad for her because she has "HELP ME" written all over her giant fake boobs. But then again, I don't want to get too close. Crabs are contagious.

Anyway, the bitches prance around the house preparing their "talents." Destiney works on some kung fu routine. Niki writes a poem in the big bubble letters of a fifth grader. Frenchie says this (according to the subtitles): "I'm going to show heem I can get nekkid un be sexy but I can alzo be a, like, good, you know houzewife." She's in the kitchen wearing a hot pink bandeau top and making something chocolate. I think you can see where this is going.

It's time for the talent show! But in true RoL fashion, the twist is that the skanks have to perform their routines in a Peep Show booth for 30 seconds. If Bret likes what he sees, he inserts a coin for the curtain to raise again and the performance can continue for 15 more seconds. The sign in front of the booth says LIVE SHOWS: CLASSY GIRLS, which is the most blatant example of false advertising I've seen in a while.

The first performer is Alexis Arquette, who plays the drums and totally sucks. Destiney does her Hong Kong Phooey routine and, naturally, it turns Bret on. Niki and Katherine both read horrible poems. Megan does a magic trick where she puts red, white and blue thongs in a bag and—tada!—pulls out an American flag! Bret says something about how the flag can make him stand at attention and Roxy says, "Thongs in a bag? Way to think outside the box, Megan." Korie appears in the booth with an easel and you think she's going to draw, but she turns the pad around to reveal the words MERRY ME. Jesus. Bret notes the misspelling and says its "not good." At least the man appreciates literacy. To a certain extent.

Then we have Kristy Joe, the Playboy model. She irons. Seriously. And says he needs someone who can take care of him. Of course, this also turns Bret on. Eleanor Roosevelt spins in her grave as Bret puts in another coin and as a reward, KJ rips her top off. Don't forget: this peep show only features classy girls, so she goes back to her ironing in her bra and panties. Frenchie screams "stop ironing and start streeping!"

There are a couple other stupid excuses for "talents", including tying a cherry stem in a knot with the tongue, belly dancing, singing in skanky outfits and giftwrapping. Peyton plays guitar and sings and is actually quite good and I decide that I like her now. Then Frenchie takes to the stage. She tears her clothes off and desperately pushes her boobs against the window. And then the chocolate dessert she claims to have worked all day on comes into play, put VH1 kindly censors the scene. We can only imagine what went on under that black bar, but Bret calls it "spiritual."

The winners of the challenge, based on talent and sexiness (of course), are Peyton, Daisy and Ambre. It's been a busy day, but Bret commands the girls to stay up because he's ready to party. However, the VIPs are tired and crawl into bed for the night, which seriously pisses Bret off, and he interviews that Bret's book of rock n' roll rules is that you never go to bed early. The girls who stayed up are treated to an acoustic rendition of "Every Rose" and they all stare at him twirling their hair and fluttering their eyelashes like he's young Elvis or something. Bret says as penance, he's forcing everyone to participate in a dance contest the next evening.

The next day, Bret takes the talent show winners on their date and even though their note references "all-terrain" the girls still can't figure out what they are doing until they are standing right in front of a trio of ATVs. Daisy gets confused about how to operate the vehicle and says, "I'm focusing 'cause I don't want to like, die, or like, lose a leg 'cause that would be, like, bad." The gang does a few laps on a dirt trail and eats lunch and then Bret pulls Ambre aside for some alone time. She rambles on and on and then they make out and Bret says of her kissing style, "I got movement, heavy, heavy movement" whatever that means and he must seriously have a thing for Jenilee Harrison because Ambre looks JUST LIKE HER. Also, Daisy has dirt on her face that makes her look like she has a Hitler moustache and no one tells her.

Meanwhile, back at Skank Mansion the VIPs feel bad that Bret is mad at them so they deside to make him a card with Sharpies and glitter. They complete their art project, put on their sluttiest outfits and go downstairs and wait by the door for Bret to come home. Jessica then makes the understatement of the show: "We are the most amazing trio. Of brains." Einstein couldn't have said it better.

Inna and Frenchie don't agree that these three are the smartest, bestest ever, so they put together a stage for the evening's dance-off then put on bras, panties and stripper shoes and move chairs right in front of the door, in front of the VIPs. Destiney expresses annoyance that "they're copying us!" and guesses "some people can't come up with their own ideas" and suddenly I feel like I'm in the seventh grade locker room at my old junior high. When Bret comes through the door, Frenchie immediately sticks her butt out at him and voiceovers "I'm dressed super-sexy like a streeper, like a slut" and I wonder at what age daddy started touching her because that girl's got serious problems.

The others come downstairs and the dance-off gets underway. Destiney is wearing a bra, panties with hose underneath and a belt. It's pretty stupid overall—to give you an idea of the level of competion, Megan walks backwards screetching "WHOOOOO!" and it's supposed to be the moonwalk. The winners are Roxy (funky chicken), Daisy (pony) and Destiney (running man) and the girls get VIP passes that they can "use any time", meaning if Bret is talking to someone they can interrupt and pull him away. Wow, that was worth it.

Mercifully, it's elimintion time and Inna shows up with zinc smeared all over her lips. Bret arrives with Security Goon Big John and announces that he has a concern and asks Sara to explain all this dare business. Sara sputters that she was taken out of context and Inna starts calling her out. Bret tells Sara she's done and Sara calls Inna a "big fucking whale" in an interview. I know I called her a fat stripper earlier, but I'm starting to get more of a GLOW wrestling vibe from Inna. She also seems to think she's the new Hatchet Face.

So Niki and her stupid poems and Korie and her bad spelling are also out, but Frenchie is in and she's so excited that she crams her tongue down Bret's throat and Bret says it's "large and fighting to get in my mouth, like a serpent" and then makes it even grosser by saying her tongue "made it into my belly and tasted last night's supper." Oh my god. What new disease was just created in that culture? Cathouse Fever? Sunset Strip Staph Infection? Club Floor Fungus? Stripper Pox?

Last night's supper just came up at the thought...

Nexxxt week: It's the return of Hatchet Face!

PS On a side note, every time I see the commercial for that movie where Jessica Alba is blind, her outfit and acting reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie imagines going blind after being made to put Lifebuoy soap in his mouth. I mean, she's wearing the exact same outfit and she's practically feeling her way around like she's about to whack a pinata.

RoL2.1: Give us somethin' to believe in

All the sad reality dating show break-ups we've been hearing about makes it very hard to believe in love, doesn't it? Really makes you lose your faith. More than ever, we need somethin' to believe in.

And that somethin' is Bret Michaels.

Kids, Rock of Love is back! And better than ever? Don't know about that, especially when Bret refers to his "bitch goddess rock n' roll"...again. This isn't a good sign. Are we destined for a word-for-word repeat of last season, followed by a Jes-esque freakout on the reunion special? We shall see...

In the meantime, there's Security Goon Big John! How I missed Security Goon Big John! He's preparing the petri dish for the impending syringe squirt of microbes. He carts in a load of beer in a wheelbarrow and actually tests out the stripper pole...for what? Stability? I'm thinking there are far more destructive elements hanging around that pole that can't be seen by the human eye, Security Goon Big John. But you get a gold star for effort anyway. Lord knows you deserve it.

Next we see the man of the hour, Bret, cruising down the street in a red Penis Compensation Vehicle, wearing his Penis Compensation Burberry Sunglasses. He pulls up in front of the house to greet the screeching hoarde of skanks. The first three quotes we hear from the girls are as follows:
1. “I am drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent.”
2. “I wanna fuck Bret first, and then I’ll make love to him.”
3. “I am bisexual. I love making out with hot, sexy women. If I’m not getting it from Bret, then I’m gonna go find some hot girl to make out with."

Yikes. That's the perfect introduction to the likes we're going to be dealing with in the Whore House this season. Among the trash heap are:
• Missi, who has bad teeth and, it appears, a touch of FAS
• Megan, who I'm told was a winner on Beauty and the Geek, which makes her a ho in more ways than one
• Something called "Peyton," that might have spawned from Jocelyn Wildenstein
• Ambre (yes, I spelled that right), who is a dead ringer for Jenilee Harrison
• Catherine, who for some reason reminds me of Naomi on Mama's Family and has a hairdo like this chick who's worked at the Drug Mart in my hometown for the last, like, 20 years
• Aubry (yes, I spelled that right, too), who seems to think that the key to Bret's heart is looking just like him
• Alexis Arquette! What's he doing there? Oh, sorry...that's just Daisy. Too bad she couldn't get all the post-op done before coming on the show.
• Angelique, aka "Frenchie", who DID get the post-op done before coming on the show.

We also have chicks named Inna, Destiney (the aforementioned bisexual chick), Jackye, Roxy, and Kristy Joe. How many juice bars are losing their Wednesday night main stagers because of this show?

My first impression is that I've never seen so much bad hair in my life. These aren't even weaves. It's like they all slathered a handful of LA Looks into wet hair, crimped and then knotted it all up with a multitude of sparkly Goody Ouchless hair accessories. To everyone's horror, Bret immediately chooses four girls out of the crowd and then disappears. Just when you think these are the poor saps that are getting sent home for not being blonde enough (like last season), Security Goon Big John announces that these four are the "VIPs" and they all get private time with Bret later. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

But first up, PAAARRTTYYYY!! Booze is flying through the air, as are boobs, and Frenchie L'Homme announces, "I vant to have some sex wis Bret in zis pool!" Bret takes porno pics of the girls as a way to "connect" with their boobs, I mean them, again. We are treated to splits, girl-on-girl makeouts and lapdances aplenty.

Next Bret meets each of the VIPs for some alone time by the pool and the overwhelming atmosphere is best described as creepy. Megan, wearing the shortest skirt ever, says, "I love Bret Michaels! Me n' him forever!" Destiney gives Bret a bedazzled bandanna she made and cackles maniacally, causing Bret to question whether she will "make love to me or kill me." Daisy is just completely horrifying-looking and I don't want to talk about it. The final VIP, Erin, tells Bret that MySpace changed her life. I mean, she actually says, "Like, there’s so many things going on in the world and a lot of them I’ve learned about through MySpace, like."

Jesus. We are really in for it this season.

The rest of the tramps have one hour to fellowship with Bret before eliminiation. Catherine reveals that she's 45, which means that she'll be kept on for a couple eps to prove Bret isn't ageist and then kicked out on her old, wrinkled ass. Next, a thick stripper perches on Bret's lap, pushes her breasts in his face and says "My father was never there and I just want someone to love me." Holy fuck.

Next we meet Kristy Joe, who is an interesting character, as she is a Playboy Bunny with a crippling fear of germs. She actually wipes Bret's mouth off like a parent wiping pureed carrots off an infant. She has a total stick up her ass, which I'm sure is a big turn-on to Bret. Oh, also, she likes horses.

And then there's Courtney, who is stumbling around the pool, five sheets to the wind. She's one of those dreaded crying drunks and keeps saying things like, "I'm fat and ugly and some girl with Botox is wearing the same thing I am!", "I'm the fattest girl here!", "Everyone else is prettier than me!" Thankfully, she passes out in a stupor on a leopard-print couch, oblivious to Security Goon Big John's commands to wake up because it's eliminiation time.

Ah, the eliminiation ceremony. The place where dreams are made and egos are crushed. And this, the first of the season, is the harshest of all, as Bret must send five fillies home. Courtney loses by default. She doesn't even show up and we are shown why—she's passed out on her bed and rolls off onto the floor with a flat thud. Bret requests that when she comes to someone should tell her that "her tour ends here."

Pretty much all the blondes make it through the first round and all the VIPs except for the one that learned about life through MySpace. The bug-eyed FAS chick is also out and asks the camera if "Nikki Sixx is available." The last girl called is Jackye, an Italian whose face is smooshed up in a way that makes her look like she is constantly smelling shit. But—SURPRISE!—Jackye tells Bret that she doesn't really want to stay because she's got anxiety issues. In her place, Bret asks Ambre/Jenilee to stay, which makes her so happy she starts drooling.

So we're off and running! This season: bras, roller derbies, pigs, mud football, cowboy hats, crying, weird lips, dirt bikes, chick fights, gang-ups, poker, slapping, puking, loads of stripping and skankiality, and cameos from Rodeo, ASHeather and HATCHET FACE! I believe, Bret, I believe!

RoL Finale: Where land ends and the party begins

It's the final episode, everyone! Can you believe it? It seems like we met only yesterday. All of our little friends...we need to let them know we haven't forgetten them! Brandi C. and her boobs, Tiffany and her drunken blatherings, Rodeo and her Hulk transformations, Magdalena and her manliness. Sigh. I'm going to miss this silly little show!

So we may as well dive right in. To the ocean. In CABO SAN LUCAS! Whooo! Bret has packed up Jes and ASHeather and whisked the Gruesome Twosome south of the border for a few days of sun, fun and sand in their ass cracks, to a place where the nights are long and the whores are cheap. Would you have expected anyplace else for a super-fabulous Bret Michaels getaway? What are the odds that we'll be treated to a Sammy Hagar cameo?

The plane lands and everyone immediately has frou-frou drinks with all kinds of fruit and umbrellas and flamingos and shit in them shoved in their hands and a gaggle of bikinied natives squat-thrusting in a circle around them. ASHeather shoves Bret aside, announces which one of the skanks that she wants to bang and immediately starts feeling the girl up, Mai Tai cocktail flying. You'd think Bret would be all over this, given the rampant fake lesbo action that has been going on this whole season, but he makes a bizarre statement to the effect that he's unable to pay attention to ASHeather properly if she's skanking it up with other chicks. Bret Michaels: a mystery wrapped in an enigma with a big steaming pile of WTF on top.

Like any good reality TV producer, VH1 gives Bret his own fabulous suite and crams the final two competitors into a standard double, but soothes the blow of having to share a room by loading the girls up with gifts. Like booty shorts, which make ASHeather blow a gasket. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Luckily, they didn't load them up with sharp objects because when Bret, Jes and ASHeather all meet downstairs for a romantic three-way dinner together, the two girls decide to engage in a staring contest showdown. Bret tries to break the tension with "More bread?" and ASHeather responds, "She's too young for you! Are you ready for kids at 23, Jes? Hmm? Hmm?" Oh, silly ASHeather! Like she can slam anyone else. Jes makes everyone proud by saying what we're all thinking, "Yeah, well at least I'm not an aging, strident stripper!" Touche! ASHeather takes another hit when Bret confronts her about humping the dancing girl when they got off the plane and her response is to the tune of "I'm not a hater, I'm a congratulater!" Apparently, Bret never saw the drawings that ASHeather and Hatchet did of all the girls in the house. Congrats, skanks!

Finally, it's individual date time, aka Go Time! This is the last chance for the final two to make lasting impressions/sexual favors on Bret to help him in his final decision. ASHeather gets the first go, and she and Bret spend the day puttering around on dune buggies. Well, let's rephrase that: ASHeather spends the day having the time of her life, while Bret spends it trying not to die, either from ASHeather's reckless dune buggy driving or from a mega-sugar crash he's having thanks to his diabetes. When she returns to the room to change and tease her hair appropriately for dinner, ASHeather boasts about how awesome the date was to Jes, and how she and Bret are in love and how no one can get in her way when it comes to her man. All Jes has to do is say, "Your dress screams stripper" and she's won the argument yet again. For the record, ASHeather is wearing a teal blue remnant from the scrap bin at Jo-Ann's and Bret thinks it "may be the sexiest dress [he's] ever seen."

Next we're treated to yet another awkward dinner when Bret tells ASHeather that he feels they've bonded on a "party level" and that he considers her a friend...uh-oh. That's the kiss of death, right there. So what does ASHeather do? Douse it in gasoline and sets it aflame by telling Bret she's in love with him. Done and done. But only after a little roll in the hay. That's right: Bret's not well enough for dune buggy-ing, but if he gets to break his dick off in a stripper, time to start chugging the Mountain Dew.

The next morning, ASHeather shows up poolside where Jes is having breakfast still in her teal blue eyeglass wipe and with uncombed hair. She informs Jes over eggs and toast that the date was "amazing" and she and Bret were "naked all night" and that she doesn't want to "wash his scent off". Gross. I imagine the smell is something like new bandanna, tanning bed, leather and hair sweat. Unfortunately, Jes doesn't comment that Bret's probably showered all of the aging, strident stripper scent off of him, because she's got a date to get to. As she leaves, ASHeather screams down the hotel hallway, "When you kiss him, you'll be lickin' me!" and you can practically hear the ring of 20 phones all calling the front desk at the same time over that one.

So Jes's date involves going sailing on a bigass boat. Actually, I believe this is what Robin Leach would refer to as a "luxury yaught." No dinghys for Jes (yet)! They float around a bit and then meet up for dinner where Bret immediately hands Jes an Epipen and tells her that she's going to have to stab him in the butt. If he goes into diabetic shock, that is. I wonder if CC has ever had to do that? Actually he says she's going to have to "jam that in my ass" and we all know that CC's been there during one of those mid-80s blackout periods that Poison is so famous for. Jes tears up and Bret takes it as one sign that she cares. The other sign is when Jes takes her dress off and saunters into the hot tub. Me-ow! Just try not to go into sugar shock over that sweet ass!

The time has come, kids—it's final elimination! It all comes down to this! Jes arrives first looking darling in a sparkly black dress and then ASHeather shows up with the biggest hairdo yet and a yellow dress held together by macrame headbands. ASHeather makes one last jab by whispering to Jes that she's surprised she even bothered to show up, and Jes interviews that ASHeather's "'80s porn hair is bad...really bad." Finally, Prince Charming enters the room (security goon Big John apparently was left at the airport) and begins speaking. This may be the strangest moment of the show so far: Bret asks the girls if they would both consider dating him. It's unclear if he is being serious or not because he's voiceovering that this is a test, but you know he wouldn't turn that shit down, no matter what kind of "one girl man" posturing he spouted earlier. ASHeather of course answers "Yes, baby!" and Jes says she would not. Bret then calls ASHeather down and tells her that he thinks she's pretty n' stuff and she's totally his best friend, buuuuutttt....she's just not the girl for him. Ooh, holy shit! He basically just told her she's nothing more than a fuckbuddy! ASHeather storms out to a waiting car, rips her necklace off and calls Bret every name in the book. That's right, ASHeather—now you've got that fuckin’ liar phony fuckin’ piece of shit disrespectful asshole motherfucker's name on the back of your neck! Ten bucks says she's changed it to "Brat" by the time we get to the reunion show.

That makes Jes the winner! Yay! Aw, nice girls don't always finish last! Too bad the prize wasn't that yaught they were cruising around on earlier.

So that's it! Now what did we learn from Rock of Love?
• Anything and everything can be a turn-on, especially for Bret Michaels.
• Strippers, rock stars and Hooters waitresses need love, too.
• Never, ever under any circumstances tell your fuckbuddy that you love them.

The history of ASHeather's hair

Tonight's the night, kids! Who will Bret choose: Aging, Strident Stripper Heather or Pink-Haired Cutie Jes? And more importantly, how big will ASHeather's hair be for the final elimination? Let's take a look back, courtesy of super-fab blogger Rich Juzwiak at the Celebreality Blog, at the bad, the worse and the truly horrifying of ASHeather's 'dos throughout the last 10 weeks.