Where are the Rock of Love hobags now?

It's October and I've got some scary things on my mind. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you SHOULDN'T understand. Things so scary, Rob Zombie wouldn't even touch them.

What are those scary things, you ask? I know you're afraid, but you must know the truth:

I've been wondering what the Rock of Love girls have been up to lately.

I told you it was scary! But you know this subject has crossed your mind, too. After Charm School ended, we lost track of all our old friends—the skanky little scamps that bumped and ground for love with Bret Michaels. Well, you're in luck, 'cause I've done some research. Here's a round-up of where the best of the hobags wound up (hint: it usually involves porn).

Season 1
• Well, here's a doozy. Everyone's least favorite reality villian Lacey "Hatchet Face" Connor is the new singer for Lords of Acid. HUH?? They're currently on tour with Praga Kahn and My Life with the Kill Thrill Kult. Jesus H. Christ. It's like my senior year of high school, complete with the creepy bully and the Rave New World soundtrack.

• Hatchet's nemesis, Heather "Aging Strident Stripper" Chadwell, is still darkening our doorsteps via the television. She's skanked it up in cameo appearances on Californication and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. She's also involved in the dubious "hosting" that so many of our little reality friends do to make a living. ASHeather's appeared at such red-carpet events as the Zodiac Winter Wonderland Party, Yeeha's Rockin' Bar & Grill's St. Patty's Day Bash and Hula Hank's Naughty Schoolgirl Night.

• We all remember Cindy "Rodeo" Steedle as the Hulk-like cowgirl with the heart of gold who was too close to Bret's age to ever have a chance at being his rock of love. She's now the host of some kind of exotic funny car show called Sick Speed TV (it's unclear where exactly this show is going to air and even if it's going to air on actual TV). And hold on to your hat: she's also getting ready to film Rodeo's Legs of Steel! Ah, the Of Steel video series. Everyone bought that in college, did it once and then tossed it in the back of the closet next to the hot plate.

Season 2
• Poor little Daisy de la Hoya. First she was rejected by Bret in the season finale, then she tried to find a man on her own show Daisy of Love, but that didn't work out either. Then, she had supposedly found love with the one and only Corey Haim...and then he died. Despite that (and despite looking like Janice the Muppet), Daisy soldiers on. She recently released an album with her unfortunately named band Seraphim Shock and has released her own song "Suck It" on iTunes (clean version also available).

• As for Megan Hauserman, after the unfortunate abomination Megan Wants a Millionaire dating show was cancelled due to, well, homicide, our favorite scheming dum-dum hasn't had enough of TV yet. She's currently filming a series for Showtime called Ocean Heat Miami, which I expect is going to be one of those classics that only airs after midnight. Gross. Also, Megan recently did a super-sexxy photo shoot with the Miami PD.

Ambre Lake "won" Bret in the end after nearly getting kicked off in the first episode. Amazingly, Ambre and Bret actually did date for almost a year. Now, she's co-hosting a weekly music show in SoCal called Focus in the Mix with Denise Ames on which she's interviewed such rock luminaries as Frank Stallone and Quiet Riot's Carlos Cavazo (while Denise Ames got to interview Lemmy).

Destiney Sue Moore was a super-wild bisexual freakshow when the show aired. Then, after appearing on Charm School, she appears to have turned into a completely different person. She started her own Ed Hardy-like clothing line called Divination and appears to have gotten married and popped out a kid. So, you know...yay?

• When you Google Angelique "Frenchie" Morgan, a phalanx of interesting search results turns up. Angelique has starred in such celluloid classics as Limo Bimbos 4, MILF School 2 and Gina's Filthy Hos 4. She's since landed a cameo role in a documentary called—surprise!—Stripped and is working on a Blogtalk radio show, which I'm sure is extremely professional and coherent.

Season 3
Gia Lynn was eliminated on the first episode, but was one half of the duo that performed a drunken act so grotesque, so sordid and so unsanitary that even Bret looked disgusted. Gia is now an "Adrenaline Crew 4 Girl." This seems to consist of posing skankily in photos associated with one of those motorcycle daredevil groups that performs idiotic stunts on public highways and tapes them for a series of badly-produced YouTube clips and DVDs.

Mindy Hall, dissed by Bret in the final two, is currently "starring" on VH1's stupid gameshow I Love Money 4. You may be saying, "But Rockit, I don't remember there being an I Love Money 3." That's because it was trashed when one of the contestants killed his wife, pulled her teeth out and threw her in a dumpster, then drove to Canada and killed himself [see Hauserman, Megan].

Ashley "Squishy Barbie doll head" Klarich describes herself on her Twitter account as [sic] "just your average tattooed,whitetrash,jager drinking,Vegas stripper who turns obstacles into popsicles and then I suck the shit out of em!" Good news, everyone—Squishy's still stripping! And sucking!

• You may remember Beverly Palmer as Season 3's tomboy who told Brett that when she was married, he and Edward Norton in American History X were on her free pass list. This year, she's done RoL proud by receiving two DUIs.

Brittanya O'Campo, she of the pierced dimples, Sharpie eyebrows, pseudo-gangsta posturing and helium-filled skull, was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly weapon causing bodily harm and assault and battery. It's unclear what the outcome of those charges has been. In the meantime, she's now modeling for a clothing company called 187 Avenue, which I'm sure is greatly helping her case.

• Cowtown native/Penthouse Pet Taya Parker was pretty much hated by everyone on the show, but she took home the prize (Bret's peepee) in the end. You may remember (or, if you have a life, you won't) Taya continually squawked that she wasn't a stripper, she was a burlesque dancer, even though she worked the pole like it was the first of the month. Well, low and behold she's currently performing in Striptease: The Show, a topless burlesque extravaganza with "hilarious audience interaction", held nightly at The Sahara in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets on sale now!

• On the show, Nikki "The Thing" Shamdasani was the other half involved in that monstrous display of sluttery that astonished even Bret. She also barely slurred and staggered her way through one episode before getting the boot. The Thing continues to travel to motosports events around the country to spin records under the name DJ Lady Tribe. She also continues to serve as a living cautionary tale on what happens when you get an ungodly amount of disfiguring plastic surgery.

• The RoL slut who caused the most second-hand embarrassment (and believe me, that's a big category) was Brittaney Starr. She's the porn star who wrote pages and pages of fake wedding vows for Bret and told everyone her grandfather was a "beautiful black man." Anyway, I'm sure you'll be surprised to discover that Brittaney Starr has completed a master's degree in finance and has been donating her time to help unemployed and struggling homeowners renegotiate the terms of their loans so they can afford their house payments!

Just kidding. She's still doing porn.

No comments: