All the sad reality dating show break-ups we've been hearing about makes it very hard to believe in love, doesn't it? Really makes you lose your faith. More than ever, we need somethin' to believe in.
And that somethin' is Bret Michaels.
Kids, Rock of Love is back! And better than ever? Don't know about that, especially when Bret refers to his "bitch goddess rock n' roll"...again. This isn't a good sign. Are we destined for a word-for-word repeat of last season, followed by a Jes-esque freakout on the reunion special? We shall see...
In the meantime, there's Security Goon Big John! How I missed Security Goon Big John! He's preparing the petri dish for the impending syringe squirt of microbes. He carts in a load of beer in a wheelbarrow and actually tests out the stripper pole...for what? Stability? I'm thinking there are far more destructive elements hanging around that pole that can't be seen by the human eye, Security Goon Big John. But you get a gold star for effort anyway. Lord knows you deserve it.
Next we see the man of the hour, Bret, cruising down the street in a red Penis Compensation Vehicle, wearing his Penis Compensation Burberry Sunglasses. He pulls up in front of the house to greet the screeching hoarde of skanks. The first three quotes we hear from the girls are as follows:
1. “I am drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent.”
2. “I wanna fuck Bret first, and then I’ll make love to him.”
3. “I am bisexual. I love making out with hot, sexy women. If I’m not getting it from Bret, then I’m gonna go find some hot girl to make out with."
Yikes. That's the perfect introduction to the likes we're going to be dealing with in the Whore House this season. Among the trash heap are:
• Missi, who has bad teeth and, it appears, a touch of FAS
• Megan, who I'm told was a winner on Beauty and the Geek, which makes her a ho in more ways than one
• Something called "Peyton," that might have spawned from Jocelyn Wildenstein
• Ambre (yes, I spelled that right), who is a dead ringer for Jenilee Harrison
• Catherine, who for some reason reminds me of Naomi on Mama's Family and has a hairdo like this chick who's worked at the Drug Mart in my hometown for the last, like, 20 years
• Aubry (yes, I spelled that right, too), who seems to think that the key to Bret's heart is looking just like him
• Alexis Arquette! What's he doing there? Oh, sorry...that's just Daisy. Too bad she couldn't get all the post-op done before coming on the show.
• Angelique, aka "Frenchie", who DID get the post-op done before coming on the show.
We also have chicks named Inna, Destiney (the aforementioned bisexual chick), Jackye, Roxy, and Kristy Joe. How many juice bars are losing their Wednesday night main stagers because of this show?
My first impression is that I've never seen so much bad hair in my life. These aren't even weaves. It's like they all slathered a handful of LA Looks into wet hair, crimped and then knotted it all up with a multitude of sparkly Goody Ouchless hair accessories. To everyone's horror, Bret immediately chooses four girls out of the crowd and then disappears. Just when you think these are the poor saps that are getting sent home for not being blonde enough (like last season), Security Goon Big John announces that these four are the "VIPs" and they all get private time with Bret later. WHOOOOOOOO!!!!
But first up, PAAARRTTYYYY!! Booze is flying through the air, as are boobs, and Frenchie L'Homme announces, "I vant to have some sex wis Bret in zis pool!" Bret takes porno pics of the girls as a way to "connect" with their boobs, I mean them, again. We are treated to splits, girl-on-girl makeouts and lapdances aplenty.
Next Bret meets each of the VIPs for some alone time by the pool and the overwhelming atmosphere is best described as creepy. Megan, wearing the shortest skirt ever, says, "I love Bret Michaels! Me n' him forever!" Destiney gives Bret a bedazzled bandanna she made and cackles maniacally, causing Bret to question whether she will "make love to me or kill me." Daisy is just completely horrifying-looking and I don't want to talk about it. The final VIP, Erin, tells Bret that MySpace changed her life. I mean, she actually says, "Like, there’s so many things going on in the world and a lot of them I’ve learned about through MySpace, like."
Jesus. We are really in for it this season.
The rest of the tramps have one hour to fellowship with Bret before eliminiation. Catherine reveals that she's 45, which means that she'll be kept on for a couple eps to prove Bret isn't ageist and then kicked out on her old, wrinkled ass. Next, a thick stripper perches on Bret's lap, pushes her breasts in his face and says "My father was never there and I just want someone to love me." Holy fuck.
Next we meet Kristy Joe, who is an interesting character, as she is a Playboy Bunny with a crippling fear of germs. She actually wipes Bret's mouth off like a parent wiping pureed carrots off an infant. She has a total stick up her ass, which I'm sure is a big turn-on to Bret. Oh, also, she likes horses.
And then there's Courtney, who is stumbling around the pool, five sheets to the wind. She's one of those dreaded crying drunks and keeps saying things like, "I'm fat and ugly and some girl with Botox is wearing the same thing I am!", "I'm the fattest girl here!", "Everyone else is prettier than me!" Thankfully, she passes out in a stupor on a leopard-print couch, oblivious to Security Goon Big John's commands to wake up because it's eliminiation time.
Ah, the eliminiation ceremony. The place where dreams are made and egos are crushed. And this, the first of the season, is the harshest of all, as Bret must send five fillies home. Courtney loses by default. She doesn't even show up and we are shown why—she's passed out on her bed and rolls off onto the floor with a flat thud. Bret requests that when she comes to someone should tell her that "her tour ends here."
Pretty much all the blondes make it through the first round and all the VIPs except for the one that learned about life through MySpace. The bug-eyed FAS chick is also out and asks the camera if "Nikki Sixx is available." The last girl called is Jackye, an Italian whose face is smooshed up in a way that makes her look like she is constantly smelling shit. But—SURPRISE!—Jackye tells Bret that she doesn't really want to stay because she's got anxiety issues. In her place, Bret asks Ambre/Jenilee to stay, which makes her so happy she starts drooling.
So we're off and running! This season: bras, roller derbies, pigs, mud football, cowboy hats, crying, weird lips, dirt bikes, chick fights, gang-ups, poker, slapping, puking, loads of stripping and skankiality, and cameos from Rodeo, ASHeather and HATCHET FACE! I believe, Bret, I believe!