It's the morning after the first elimination at the Whore House and the only sounds to be heard are snoring, gurgling and some unidentified sucking sounds. And there's Courtney, who you may remember as the girl who got drunk off her ass last week and missed elimination.
When Peyton informs her that her tour has ended, Courtney actually can't believe it and says, "Ooh, that sucks. I'm going home because I'm a dumbass." No, it's probably because you're fat and ugly and some girl with Botox was wearing the same outfit as you! As she dejectedly drags her suitcase down the stairs someone shouts, "Stay off the sauce!" Poor Courtney, but now it's time for her therapist to deal with it.
Meanwhile, as the other hoes are spackling on makeup and flatironing their bleach-scorched locks, a bomb is dropped. Sara reveals she came on the show as a dare and she lied to her parents and said she was just going to visit friends in LA. Inna the fat stripper is practically drooling with this little tidbit. Her strategy is to tell blabbermouth Alexis Arquette who immediately runs to Bret. Bret is tossing a football with Security Goon Big John and AA is all, "Let me try!" then throws it over the fence. As Security Goon Big John runs to fetch it, AA tattles on Sarah. Bret seems to be thinking like real media whore now because he instantly assumes this is some kind of weird strategy.
So the skanks get a note about their next challenge, and it's a talent show. I have to say at this moment that Angelique/Frenchie has got to be the most horrifying creature I have ever seen. She is the very definition of someone who has been rode hard and put away wet—an unfortunate-looking chick who lets guys put their dicks anywhere they want to get attention. I can't help but feel a little bit bad for her because she has "HELP ME" written all over her giant fake boobs. But then again, I don't want to get too close. Crabs are contagious.
Anyway, the bitches prance around the house preparing their "talents." Destiney works on some kung fu routine. Niki writes a poem in the big bubble letters of a fifth grader. Frenchie says this (according to the subtitles): "I'm going to show heem I can get nekkid un be sexy but I can alzo be a, like, good, you know houzewife." She's in the kitchen wearing a hot pink bandeau top and making something chocolate. I think you can see where this is going.
It's time for the talent show! But in true RoL fashion, the twist is that the skanks have to perform their routines in a Peep Show booth for 30 seconds. If Bret likes what he sees, he inserts a coin for the curtain to raise again and the performance can continue for 15 more seconds. The sign in front of the booth says LIVE SHOWS: CLASSY GIRLS, which is the most blatant example of false advertising I've seen in a while.
The first performer is Alexis Arquette, who plays the drums and totally sucks. Destiney does her Hong Kong Phooey routine and, naturally, it turns Bret on. Niki and Katherine both read horrible poems. Megan does a magic trick where she puts red, white and blue thongs in a bag and—tada!—pulls out an American flag! Bret says something about how the flag can make him stand at attention and Roxy says, "Thongs in a bag? Way to think outside the box, Megan." Korie appears in the booth with an easel and you think she's going to draw, but she turns the pad around to reveal the words MERRY ME. Jesus. Bret notes the misspelling and says its "not good." At least the man appreciates literacy. To a certain extent.
Then we have Kristy Joe, the Playboy model. She irons. Seriously. And says he needs someone who can take care of him. Of course, this also turns Bret on. Eleanor Roosevelt spins in her grave as Bret puts in another coin and as a reward, KJ rips her top off. Don't forget: this peep show only features classy girls, so she goes back to her ironing in her bra and panties. Frenchie screams "stop ironing and start streeping!"
There are a couple other stupid excuses for "talents", including tying a cherry stem in a knot with the tongue, belly dancing, singing in skanky outfits and giftwrapping. Peyton plays guitar and sings and is actually quite good and I decide that I like her now. Then Frenchie takes to the stage. She tears her clothes off and desperately pushes her boobs against the window. And then the chocolate dessert she claims to have worked all day on comes into play, put VH1 kindly censors the scene. We can only imagine what went on under that black bar, but Bret calls it "spiritual."
The winners of the challenge, based on talent and sexiness (of course), are Peyton, Daisy and Ambre. It's been a busy day, but Bret commands the girls to stay up because he's ready to party. However, the VIPs are tired and crawl into bed for the night, which seriously pisses Bret off, and he interviews that Bret's book of rock n' roll rules is that you never go to bed early. The girls who stayed up are treated to an acoustic rendition of "Every Rose" and they all stare at him twirling their hair and fluttering their eyelashes like he's young Elvis or something. Bret says as penance, he's forcing everyone to participate in a dance contest the next evening.
The next day, Bret takes the talent show winners on their date and even though their note references "all-terrain" the girls still can't figure out what they are doing until they are standing right in front of a trio of ATVs. Daisy gets confused about how to operate the vehicle and says, "I'm focusing 'cause I don't want to like, die, or like, lose a leg 'cause that would be, like, bad." The gang does a few laps on a dirt trail and eats lunch and then Bret pulls Ambre aside for some alone time. She rambles on and on and then they make out and Bret says of her kissing style, "I got movement, heavy, heavy movement" whatever that means and he must seriously have a thing for Jenilee Harrison because Ambre looks JUST LIKE HER. Also, Daisy has dirt on her face that makes her look like she has a Hitler moustache and no one tells her.
Meanwhile, back at Skank Mansion the VIPs feel bad that Bret is mad at them so they deside to make him a card with Sharpies and glitter. They complete their art project, put on their sluttiest outfits and go downstairs and wait by the door for Bret to come home. Jessica then makes the understatement of the show: "We are the most amazing trio. Of brains." Einstein couldn't have said it better.
Inna and Frenchie don't agree that these three are the smartest, bestest ever, so they put together a stage for the evening's dance-off then put on bras, panties and stripper shoes and move chairs right in front of the door, in front of the VIPs. Destiney expresses annoyance that "they're copying us!" and guesses "some people can't come up with their own ideas" and suddenly I feel like I'm in the seventh grade locker room at my old junior high. When Bret comes through the door, Frenchie immediately sticks her butt out at him and voiceovers "I'm dressed super-sexy like a streeper, like a slut" and I wonder at what age daddy started touching her because that girl's got serious problems.
The others come downstairs and the dance-off gets underway. Destiney is wearing a bra, panties with hose underneath and a belt. It's pretty stupid overall—to give you an idea of the level of competion, Megan walks backwards screetching "WHOOOOO!" and it's supposed to be the moonwalk. The winners are Roxy (funky chicken), Daisy (pony) and Destiney (running man) and the girls get VIP passes that they can "use any time", meaning if Bret is talking to someone they can interrupt and pull him away. Wow, that was worth it.
Mercifully, it's elimintion time and Inna shows up with zinc smeared all over her lips. Bret arrives with Security Goon Big John and announces that he has a concern and asks Sara to explain all this dare business. Sara sputters that she was taken out of context and Inna starts calling her out. Bret tells Sara she's done and Sara calls Inna a "big fucking whale" in an interview. I know I called her a fat stripper earlier, but I'm starting to get more of a GLOW wrestling vibe from Inna. She also seems to think she's the new Hatchet Face.
So Niki and her stupid poems and Korie and her bad spelling are also out, but Frenchie is in and she's so excited that she crams her tongue down Bret's throat and Bret says it's "large and fighting to get in my mouth, like a serpent" and then makes it even grosser by saying her tongue "made it into my belly and tasted last night's supper." Oh my god. What new disease was just created in that culture? Cathouse Fever? Sunset Strip Staph Infection? Club Floor Fungus? Stripper Pox?
Last night's supper just came up at the thought...
Nexxxt week: It's the return of Hatchet Face!
PS On a side note, every time I see the commercial for that movie where Jessica Alba is blind, her outfit and acting reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Story where Ralphie imagines going blind after being made to put Lifebuoy soap in his mouth. I mean, she's wearing the exact same outfit and she's practically feeling her way around like she's about to whack a pinata.