I simply do not understand how the likes of Perez Hilton and Trent Vanegas get to appear as celebrity insiders on Best Week Ever and MTV awards shows when I, RockitQueen, get the most amazing exclusives of any gossip maven in Hollywood. Must be my caring nature.
Well, today I offer you readers an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with JAYDEN JAMES SPEARS FEDERLINE following last night's madcap fiasco at Casa Crack n' Crazy (and don't tell me you don't know what I'm referring to). That's right: JJ texted me early this morning following his release from the hospital to give me the NO-HOLDS-BARRED TRUTH behind Britney's breakdown. You'll be surprised at how much more articulate he is at speaking than he is at writing (but then again, he's not exactly learning from Marilyn vos Savant). Anyway, enjoy his whimsical prose, and note that the Britney Terror Alert has been raised to SEVERE.
Oh, and EAT IT, TMZ!
ROCKITQUEEN: JJ, how are you doing, kiddo?
JAYDEN JAMES: All good in the hood.
RQ: How is Sean Preston?
JJ: My brother didn't bother to tell me or my father, but I think he's doing rather fine considering Britney's decline.
RQ: You boys were taken to the hospital?
JJ: The nurse was terse, but it could have been much worse. We checked out, then clocked out. Clip-clap-clop-out.
RQ: What triggered Britney's meltdown last night?
JJ: She got a bad Frap.
RQ: Excuse me?
JJ: You know, a Frap...from the pap.
RQ: From the pap? Meaning the paparazzi.
JJ: Yeah. He brought her a Frap and it was Caffè Vanilla. She wanted White Chocolate Mocha. She screamed at the pap then threw the Frap. She flailingly flung the frosty fuddle.
RQ: Was it at that point that she locked herself in her room?
JJ: Yes. She screamed, "I get what I want!" and in the room she went. Daddy got pissed, said, "Give me my boys!" but all we wanted were our new Christmas toys.
RQ: And then the police showed up?
JJ: The men in blue said, "Open this door!" and Britney said, "Not 'til I get a score from those whores!" They kicked the door down and whisked us away. She giggled and laughed and said, "I'm ready to play!" Just like her to be a cliche.
RQ: What happened then?
JJ: The medics maneuvered Mom masterfully and strapped her to a stretcher while stripers stripped the damaged domicile dutifully.
RQ: Was she under the influence of drugs or alcohol that you know of?
JJ: I predict a Twinkie defense, RockitQueen. You know what I mean. All those Cheetos and Chalupas don't keep her lean. And don't forget all that Red Bull and Frap caffeine.
RQ: This must have been very scary for you and Sean Preston.
JJ: Very scary, but very necessary.
RQ: JJ, have you been reading Dr. Seuss books with Daddy?
RQ: Thanks for filling us in on the story and good luck.
JJ: Thanks. I'll heed it, 'cause we're gonna need it.
Well, there you have it! The exclusive tale from the elusive and reclusive Jayden James about the abusive and intrusive Britney! Damn, that is one weird kid...