Due to recent events, we here at the Committee to Rescue Britney's Boys (CRABB) are once again reaching a point of critical concern, and we have recently called an emergency meeting to discuss Britney Spears' mental status and, thus, the safety and well-being of Sean Preston and Jayden James.
In the last few weeks, Britty has:
• exposed her crotch, ass, and/or nipple at least five times.
• appeared in public with her dress on backwards and tags hanging off of her bra, like a skank Minnie Pearl.
• claimed she didn't know she was paying for expensive dinners.
• posted the following crackhead message on her offical website:
Britney is asking her most die-hard fans for some assistance in order to name her upcoming album.
Possible Album Titles:
1. Omg is Like Lindsay Lohan Like Okay Like
2. What if the Joke is on You
3. Down boy
Yikes. Yeah, you can see why a SWAT team might be necessary. All week I was waiting to hear that some evil genius with too much time on his/her hands hacked into Britney's shitty website and posted these title ideas as a joke. If you can comprehend that they are all too real, you can understand the magnitude of plant-like logic and reason we are dealing with.
So what can we do? Let's look to the Department of Homeland Security for Guidence. While a Britney Preparedness Kit is kind of pushing it, we felt that a Terror Alert Chart would be a good way for our members to keep track of Brit-Brit's potential to crack. Thus, we can proceed with the suggested courses of action to protect the two innocent victims trapped in the claws of abject stupidity. Please print, cut out and post on the fridge:
Britney Terror Alert Chart
LOWLocked away safely from the rest of humanity. Sean Preston and Jayden James living happy, normal-ish life.
GUARDEDGeneral stupidity, such as bad outfits and dumbass quotes; prolonged beach trips. SP and JJ experience limited contact with mom, still somewhat safe in care of nanny.
ELEVATEDSignificant risk of crotch exposure, threats of a comeback that include actual trips to dance and/or recording studio, new tattoos, hair color change and/or shitty extensions, shopping with random skank cousin. SP and JJ must be constantly supervised by multiple nannies.
HIGHRambling message to "fans" on official website, poetry, promises for "my side of the story," elevated nightclub presence, Vegas. SP and JJ safer with Federline.
SEVEREJesus Christ, she's got the scissors! Severe risk of meltdown, arrest, OD and/or intervention. Approve adoption of SP and JJ by Angelina Jolie.
Sort of akin to speculation that Suri Cruise is a Scientology-funded, Manchurian Candidate-style killbot, we think something's up with little JJ and that is why we never see him out and about like we do SP. Our theory is that JJ has fetal alcohol syndrome. Think about it. We here at CRABB can't honestly believe that Brit could possibly stop crunking during pregnancy. She lucked out with SP, who displays no outward appearance of "issues", so she figured she could continue being a big girl who does whatever she wants while pregs with JJ. Oopsie! While we certainly hope this isn't the case, it's quite likely, but slightly less likely than the possibility that Brit simply likes SP better. Maybe he is less needy or something. Who knows? All we can say for sure is that the truth is out there and one of these days we're going to read about it in a kick-ass tell-all.
Per Brit's request we've also developed some title ideas for her "upcoming" "album". We kindly ask her to consider the following:
• OMG Like I'm Stupid Beyond Comprehension Like
• Spend Your Allowance on Me and the Joke's On You
• Down Boy, Mommy's Trying to Light Her Lucky
• Into Gritty, Y'all
• Fuck Dignity, Here's a Birds-Eye View of My Cooch
Please, everyone, be on the alert. Brit is on the verge of a breakdown of Jacko-by-way-of-Jan-Michael-Vincent size proportions. Keep your eye on the prize and lets get the Peanuts out of there!