No-lifers like myself get very depressed over incredibly stupid things. For example, the conclusion of Celebrity Fit Club. Not only is the fact that it's over bringing me down, but the fact that no one beat the snot out of Dustin Diamond is furthering my disappointment. Dude has totally resurrected his career, though. Instead of simply grossing everyone out with his totally-not-at-all-purposely-leaked sex tape, and doing whatever he can to get the word out about his (allegedly) huge ween, he's gone the rather shrewd route of making himself over into a reality TV villian. It's actually pretty impressive.
I love Celebrity Fit Club anyway because it makes me think very seriously about getting up off the couch, putting away the Funyons and taking a little walk (and in my world, thinking seriously = doing), but the added bonus of some crazy makes the show just that much more enjoyable. Usually, there's a pain pill addict or two and a couple other celebs making lame excuses for not reaching their target weight loss, and at least one or two good screamfests from Harvey the Drill Sergeant or a lecture from Dr. Ian. But this season took the cake on weirdness and drama, thanks to Screetch. The elementary fight-picking, the blatant fat ingesting, the bizarre "theories"...we knew Screetch was an annoying jerkoff, but who knew he was a complete sociopath, capable of eating a live baby to get a reaction?
Now that it's over, what do I have to live for? Well, a couple upcoming "Celebriality" vehicles look promising. First off, we have Scott Baio is 45 & Single, which is all kinds of genius based on Baio's involvement alone. But I'm thinking this could go either way. If Baio is a big diva, it might be pretty good. And if they reunite him with former Charles in Charge castmate-turned-Biblethumper Willie Ames it could be pure gold. Bibleman was good for a few stompy fits on Fit Club, so maybe he could show up to give Scotty some morality lectures and force him to see that he can't love another until he loves himself. Valuable lesson-learning abounds. Yawn. Who am I kidding? There's no way this shit is gonna be good.
Now, the one I'm really looking forward to is Rock of Love, where Bret Michaels of Poison tries to find a bitch to love, Flav-style. If the needy skanks on the commercials, or Bret's never-ending parade of cowboy hats with hair attached aren't enough to convince you, check this out: "Each week, Bret will design challenges to test the girls' ability to adapt to the true rock 'n roll life. Not always red carpets and award shows, who will best adapt to life in a cramped, grungy tour bus with Bret and his roadie buddies? Who can handle the competition from outrageous, and sometimes hotter groupies? Who can keep her cool around his famous friends? Who can best contribute to his music? Who's not afraid to get down and dirty with him in one of his extreme sports competitions. And perhaps most vital, who will always look smokin' hot doing it?"
I think we found a winner! Let's predict what will happen, just for fun:
-Lots of bump n' grind and "Woooo!" on the first ep
-Bret weeds out some ladies he believes are not in it for "the right reasons"
-Bret gets drunk and acts like an asshole and kicks some chick out for getting drunk and acting like an asshole on the same episode
-A visit from Rikki, Bobby and CC within the first three eps
-Someone says that she's wanted to be a groupie ever since she was a little girl and WILL DO ANYTHING TO WIN
-Steven Adler cameo
-Vince Neil cameo
-The final two are the Sweet One and the Bitchy Skank and Sweetie is the "surprise" winner
So maybe I'm not being too creative here. Give me a break. I have just had a weekend that involved rock, lemon shake-ups, too much booze and food poisoning. My brain is fried. Not like any of this will help, but it will at least keep me occupied until Dustin Diamond shows up on The Surreal Life. You know it's coming!