6/07/2007

Ethnic cleansing is funny!

OK, no it's not, but just bear with me.

First of all, though, I have to say that I'm a little worried about the Pope. I usually am when he takes the Popemobile without the bulletproof glass bubble on it. Luckily, the rogue lunger seems to have only been seeking attention and not Benny's head on a stick. Another crisis averted. But Benny needs to be more careful. Obviously, he can't rely on the Swiss guards, who simply stand around looking pretty all the time.

One thing we can rely on is Bob From Accounting to bring the funny. (Aside: Yes, that may have been my worst segue ever, but I just didn't feel right about doing a Pope-to-genocide transition because I have a soft spot for anything Rome-related. And because it's really just kind of wrong in general. Ow, my heart just started bleeding...) Anyway, this list comes to my attention courtesy my fun, fab girl Lola: presenting the 2006 Ethnic Cleansing Awards for the worst and most annoying newsmakers of the year! You might think it's quite harsh to wish such a serious fate on someone just because they play poker on television, and Bob explains "more realistically we want them vanquished, banished and never heard from again", which I think is reasonable.

There are 20 losers on the list, all accompanied by appropriately snarky commentary and ridicule, which I know you all will appreciate. Here are just a few that I particularly agreed with. Go ahead and have your say, too, and don't feel bad about it. Eradication is sometimes completely necessary.

People still making Brokeback Mountain jokes/People still quoting Napoleon Dynamite
While we can be sure that "I wish I could quit you" will go down as one of the most legendary movie quotes of the last few years, it certainly will not rise to the status of "Tomorrow is another day" or "Here's lookin' at you kid" or even "No more yanky my wanky; the Donger needs food." Same goes for Napoleon. I liked the movie, I thought it was funny, but good lord am I sick of seeing Pedro everywhere. He was on Top Model for god sakes! He's the new Haley Joel Osmet.

Plagerists, hack writers and the people who pay them
I probably fit into this category, so I completely understand the irony, but the entry notes James Frey, OJ, and chick-lit whore Kaavya Viswanathan as figurehead offenders. If these douches can get book deals, surely I can expand on my black metal research and Britney views and score a New York Times bestseller. Where's Oprah? Stupid & Contagious is inspirational! The blog itself is a random act of kindness! I'll even get in my pajamas and eat Baked Lays with her, Gayle and the audience while we dish about the Count! It will be a ratings bonanza!

The cast and crew of "To Catch A Predator"
Yes! I've been meaning to write about this one for a while. This is one of the best shows on television. Nothing beats seeing a middle-aged perv show up at a house for sex with a 13-year-old only to get grilled by Chris Hansen and then tackled by a cop disguised as a bush. I love the tarty little actress they get to impersonate the teen: (high-pitched flirtatious voice) "I made some frozen lemonade! It's yummy! So do you have any ideas for tonight?" and I love that Hansen is changing up his repitoire with funny quotes: (mockingly) "Can I have a hug? Why don't you have a seat right there." The reason this gem made the list is that the "internet watchdog" group that trolls for the deviants talks a pretty good game to lure people over to their trap house. They're pervs, too! They talk dirty and send nude pics like pros. Sure, it's a total bait-and-switch, but if it means we get to see creepy pedos exposed, lectured by Chris Hansen and then dive-bombed by a SWAT team, I'm all for it.

Conspiracy theorists
Lately I've been kind of "into" this morbidly fascinating subgenre of humanity and my favorite examples are Derek and Sharon Gilbert of the Peering Into Darkness podcast. Seriously, you've got to listen to these two. Did you know that everything is connected? Nothing happens by chance! People are being brainwashed by the government to take over and destroy innocent churchgoers at the flick of a switch. The FDA is controlling our food and vitamin intake. The Bible prophesized 9/11. The media hides or supresses news stories about aliens so we won't know what's really going on. Those little clouds you see coming from the back of jets that streak the sky? Chem trails. It's POISON and THEY are trying to kill us all! As usual, who "they" are isn't exactly clear: the government, the Catholic church, the Bilderberg Group, Satan worshippers performing ritual sacrifice (their favorite target, which is so '89). It's pretty much everyone, and Derek and Sharon say that if you don't believe you're simply naive and not paying attention. Hilarious! If it's all true, I'd love to know how it's being pulled off. People can't even organize a PTA potluck without it spiraling into chaos. Anyway, I'm going to save this topic for another post because it's really just too funny.

So there you have it: a tantalizing teaser list of the 20 people that really need to die. My only disappointment: no Wentz. I recently read that he opened some stupid emo bar in Chicago and provocatively announced that sex in the restrooms will be allowed under his watch. Klassy. If he and Ashlee Simpson are mucking up the stalls, he better have a hazmat team on staff to immediately clean that shit up. I'm thinking maybe we should call the health department, or a bio lab to do some testing for newly created STDs. Or an exorcist.

1 comment:

Your third, or possibly second, biggest fan said...

"..tackled by a cop disguised as a bush."
So worth the wait.