6/30/2007

Bizarro World Pete n' Kate

This is my very favorite picture of Amy Winehouse. Doesn't she look like such a wonderful junked-out truck stop waitress here? And what exactly is she doing? She's balancing a Barq's root beer on a styrofoam food container while at the same time poised like she's Michigan J. Frog and she's about to launch into some kind of meth-fueled tap routine to "Hello My Baby". A totally gay reference, to be sure, but it's so appropriate for the mystery wrapped in an enigma that is Amy Winehouse. Every time I see a picture of her and her gigantic rat's nest of hair I grow more and more confused. Do I love her? Do I fear her? Do I care or not? I guess I do, because why can't I look away?

Well, it's hard to miss that and those GG Allin-lite prison tattoos. And the missing tooth. And the anorexia. And the manic depression. The physical assaults. The batwing eyeliner. The Ronettes copping. I love her! No, wait...she's terrifying. I'm scared! And fascinated...I think I need to make a list to sort out my feelings once and for all.

Reasons I Love Amy Winehouse:
• She heckled Bono, screaming "'Shut up! I don't give a fuck!" while he made a presumably pretentious acceptance speech at an awards show. Hells yeah! Shut your pie hole, Bono!
• She punched her husband and a fan in a drunken rage.
• She often seems to be in a drunken rage.
• The headline: Winehouse In Vomit Shocker.
• She said, “I drink a LOT and sometimes I forget to eat.”
• She pushed her husband into a hedge.

Reasons I Fear Amy Winehouse:
• She weighs 90 pounds and she could probably snap me in half.
• She's friends with Kelly Osborne and they call themselves "Team Evil" when they hang out.

My Favorite Thing About Amy Winehouse:
• Her relationship with "Blake Fielder-Civil". Not only does Blake have the chaviest name in the whole world, he's always wearing filthy tank tops, fedoras and scars and bruises from Amy kicking his ass. They are the Bizarro World Pete and Kate! He's the Kate and she's the Pete. Black is white, up is down, Lohan is adopting orphans and Angelina's got her face on the toilet.

Amy allegedly started carving "I Love Blake" into her belly during an interview with Spin Magazine. Blake F-C then said to the writer, "Tell the guy who looks like he has leukemia I'm going to slit his throat." It's official: I love them! Allegedly, they don't get along with Pete and Kate, and I hope they make an effort to bury the hatchet and start hanging out. Imagine the fun! It doesn't make any sense to battle when they could be double-dipping into each other's supplies. That's not what I mean, perv! I meant drugs...DRUGS! They can share crack. And Amy can also give that fatass Kate some much-needed weightloss tips.

2 comments:

A Constant Reader and Crack Afficionado said...

I really don't think people who like crack like to "share" their crack.

Just sayin'.

Viola Swamp said...

Dear Abby,
The only girl I've heard my boyfriend mention more than two times in the span of a half hour is Amy Winehouse. He seems very impressed. Should I be concerned?

Curious in Columbus