BREAKING: Mayhem's US Tour Canceled—Rock Trauma Blamed!

Bad news, Bears. There will be no Mayhem on US soil this summer! Disappointed? Wait until you hear the reason; it might be the most metal thing I've ever heard. Drummer Hellhammer (real name: Jan Axel von Blomberg) lived up to his name at Italy's Gods of Metal Fest when he went so hardcore ape shit on the skins that he actually broke his fucking arm!!!! Not only that, but he wasn't even playing with Mayhem. Turns out this guy is literally in like 18 other bands. Hellhammer: God of Metal. I'm sorry that this awesomeness didn't happen here because as a surprise to all five of you I had invited a pal much braver than I who had planned to attend the New York show to guest blog a full first-hand report on the havoc.

An official statement was released by the band that included this message: "The power of MAYHEM must come at full force and without Hellhammer, it is impossible for us to accomplish this feat. We deeply regret having to cancel the tour but we feel that there truly was no other option. We shall however return stronger than ever to deconsecrate your shores as soon as humanly possible!" You better, assholes! Here's wishing Hellhammer a speedy recovery so we can hear some good stories. It's all about us! I'm inclined to demand he suck it up; if the drummer from Def Leppard can do it, surely this guy can. But then again, I'm guessing playing "Impious Devious Leper Lord" isn't quite the same as playing "Let's Get Rocked."

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