Bringing the crazy straight to us

Memorial Day may have come and gone without incident (well, nothing we immediately need to be concerned about, at least), but as usual we can't be letting our guards down quite yet. Homeland Security should be one this one, kids: freaking Mayhem is coming to America! That's right: Attila, Blasphemer, Necrobutcher and Hellhammer will be darkening the doorsteps of six cities for what is allegedly their last U.S. tour. An evening with the boys is surprisingly cheap: $25 will get you all the kickass shredding action and live cutting you can handle. You may even get beaned in the head with goat entrails! That, along with a fractured skull, would be the ultimate souvinier!

Sadly, the little Mayhem bio on the Ticketmaster website is riddled with inaccuracies. For instance: "Mayhem was the first death metal band from Norway to make much of an impact in their homeland, which in the early '90s developed a burgeoning underground scene rife with violent, sometimes anti-Christian activity—as evidenced by Mayhem's non-musical history." Non-musical history? Obviously, Ticketmaster is unfamiliar with Pure Fucking Armageddon and "Chainsaw Gutsfuck"! What is the matter with you people?? And duh, Mayhem is BLACK metal, not DEATH metal, dingbats. There IS a difference! The bio also reveals, "When police arrested Grishnackh, they found over 150 kg of stolen dynamite in his house, complete with a plan to blow up a large church on a religious holiday", which is news to me, and frankly, smacks of gossip. OK, I just wanted to say "smacks of gossip". Of course it's true!

So the big question is: am I going? The tour includes shows in New York (12 hour drive), Chicago (6 hour drive) and Springfield, VA (6.5 hour drive), which are all within reasonable proximity of Cowtown. The truth is that I think I'm too afraid. My mom thinks the Count is going to come and get me when he gets out of the can and I really don't want to start anything else up. However, the prospect of writing possibly the blog entry of my career is disturbingly tantilizing. I'll tell you one thing: if Mayhem was touring with Immortal, I'd be in the front row. Why in the world didn't they call up Abbath and Horgh and try to glomb on to some of their tour dates? That is a show that Satan himself wouldn't miss.

You know what would be the absolute best ever? If Immortal and Mayhem toured and then they got into a fight onstage. Imagine the sweet, creative cheap shots that would take place in that deathmatch! The flying shinguards alone would be worth it to see that one!

While we're on the subject, a documentary on Norwegian black metal called "Until the Light Takes Us" is currently in production and is slated to feature some profound interviews with such prominent black metallers as Abbath, members of Emperor and Mr. Awesome himself the Count! The film naturally has it own Myspace page, which features some screenshots and promises to "truly shed light on a movement that has heretofore been shrouded in darkness and rumor and obscured by inaccurate and shallow depictions...featuring exclusive interviews and verité with the musicians, a wealth of rare, seldom seen footage from the "Black Circle"s earliest days."

I am practically wetting myself over this! The release date is scheduled for "sometime" in '07. Rest assured that I will keep you all well-informed on the progress of this highly-anticipated film event. When I get more concrete dates on the unveiling, I'll start getting my tent and camping equipment ready to stake out for this one.

For a little slightly-off-topic fun, I dug up some more stupid death metal band names. Read 'em and weep:
Fuck...I'm Dead
122 Stab Wounds
Agoraphobic Nosebleed
Corpsefucking Art
Pungent Stench
Ribspreader
Goatwhore
Hate Plow
Sadistik Exekution
Circle of Dead Children
Drawn and Quartered

I knew someone was going to steal my ideas. Who are these fuckers and how are they all reading my mind?