Most beautiful bullshit

I'm so glad that People Magazine recently unveiled their 50 Most Beautiful People issue. I was desperately in need of breathless reminders that Halle Berry and Patrick Dempsey (who does nothing for me, by the way) are born of a nether world filled with high-cheekboned creatures with six-packs and pert boobs who always have shiny, happy hair, big teeth and glowing tans. I don't know about you, but I forgot. Good thing People reminded me because I was starting to get a little too cocky.

It's so refreshing to read how beautiful celebs have insecurities, just like us! People gives us the lowdown with a healthy spattering of "What, ME sexy?" comments from the winners. "My hair is such a disaster. I never blow-dry!" coos It Girl Scarlett Johansson. "I'm always examining [my skin] with a large mirror and always looking at the flaws!" admits songstress Katherine McPhee. "Some people are effortlessly glamorous and sexy; for me, a lot of that stuff is difficult!" laments Oscar darling Reese Witherspoon. Such brave admissions from these icons of perfection. I feel better already!

My favorite part is the requisite secondary feature on how it doesn't matter if you have dry skin or stubborn extra pounds or gray hairs because these flaws can be beautiful, too! Says country sweetheart Carrie Underwood, "I had a couple of freckles on my face that I didn't like, so I had them removed and I remember one kid said, 'Now I can't play connect-the-dots on your face anymore!' I'll never forget that." Which is officially the stupidest quote ever. Has anyone ever besides Cosmo ever said freckles are unattractive? Carrie Underwood is a fucking moron. Bo got robbed.

My second favorite part is the yearly Glam Starlets Without Makeup! photo spread. As if we are actually being led to believe that any of these whores would seriously appear in front of a real color camera without their faces on. All the pictures are either black and white, solar flared or taken at an "artsy" angle...didn't fool me, assholes! The quotes in this segment are even funnier.
Jessica Biel: "There's a vulnerability to being photographed without having your eyes defined or your eyebrows filled in!"
Jessica Alba: "Things I was made fun of for--thick lips and a curvy body--got better as I got older!" (And, yeah, right. I'm sure Jess was a regular Dawn Weiner as a teen.)
Eva Longoria: "Tony [Parker, her fiancé] says he loves the way I look when I wake up in the morning, which is the reason why I'm marrying him!" (Really? I thought it was that kick-ass rap album he just put out.)

Anyway, the real reason I wanted to lament on this nonsense is because this year's list of unmatched beauty includes my nemisis Pete Wentz. That's right. That filthy emo ape is one of the most beautiful people alive, if these doofs are to be believed. When I think of the words "Wentz" and "beautiful" in the same sentence, it's more along the lines of: "If Pete Wentz got swept away in a river of molten hot lava, it would be a beautiful miracle." It's bad enough they continually try to push off Aniston and Orlando Bloom as hot, but this is beyond the realm of anything approaching logical. What's worse is that they actually include lessons from Petey on how to correctly apply "guy liner". Time to get a new keyboard; I just puked all over mine. If he wants some nice dark circles around his eyes, I'll be glad to hook him up with a new look.

In the meantime, the best prettifier of all is simply to remember that just being you is always enough. "Smiling is definitely one of the best beauty remedies!" says toothless meth addict Rashida Jones, daughter of model Peggy Lipton. "Outward appearance is just secondary to the confidence that I feel inside!" reveals Jessica Simpleton, through a sinister case of cyctic acne. "It's about the whole picture and just being comfortable with who you are!" advises a crosseyed and clubfooted Rachel Bilson. Thanks, girls!

You know what I think is hot? Sweat socks. Especially when they are pulled up to the knees and paired with dirty rotten All Stars. Don't ask me why, but I love that shit. I'm glad none of the People beauties have adopted this style because I really don't want everyone and their brother running around like that, and the look only really works on a select few people. I prefer to keep the RockitQueen-approved styles separate from the main drag, if you know what I mean. If Pete Wentz starts wearing them, I'm going on strike.

1 comment:

Your number three fan said...

Great, now I've got that James Blunt song stuck in my head.