I fully expect that any of you who have ever seen Adult Swim's brilliant cartoon "Metalocalypse" immediately think of me whenever it comes on. And if you do, you're automatically my favorite person. If you haven't seen it, "Metalocalypse," is an animated series that follows the adventures of Dethklok, an American/Scando death metal band. Translation: pure genius and pretty much the most RockitQueen-approved show EVER. I'm not sure exactly when it comes on, but you can watch all of the eps on YouTube, which is probably better anyway so you can rewind the hilarity again and again. As an added bonus, regular Stupid & Contagious readers can make a game of looking for the black metal references throughout the series (such as the movie producer named "Grishnackh" and the fast food restaurant called "Burzum Burgers"). See...inside jokes that you understand thanks to this very blog!
So now comes the real reason for this post, besides blowing smoke up the ass of the Cartoon Network: could fake animated metal band Dethklok kick the asses of real-life metal band Mayhem? Through careful compare-and-contrast research in a highly scientific study, I've measured each of the members of Dethklok against their Mayhem counterparts and determined who would come out of each matchup on the top of the heap. Who will win the final battle royale between the bands? Balls out, mano y mano, no killing allowed because that's too easy. Place your bets and let's get ready to rumblllle!
Nathan Explosion vs. Dead (vocals)
Nathan: Narrated a Shakespere book-on-tape entirely in metal voice; forced band to record in nuclear submarine in Mariana Trench for darkest possible sound; accidentally unleashed mythological troll on Finland by singing ancient folk tune; only wears underwear 65% of the time; kind of looks like a cross between Peter Steele and Robert Trujillo.
Dead: Buried clothing in dirt for grimy, bug-infested stage look; carried around dead bird in plastic bag so he could smell "stench of death" at any time; once cut himself on stage so badly he had to be taken to the hospital; committed suicide by slashing his wrists AND shooting himself; left note reading "excuse all the blood."
Advantage: Nathan Explosion, because Dead's suicide is far too emo.
Skwisgaar Skwigelf vs. Euronymous (lead guitar)
Skwisgaar: Band pretty boy; screws tons of chicks; headbutted a Danish prince; tried to host pay-per-view guitar clinic but swelled up due to cilantro allergy and couldn't play; refers to supermarket as "food library"; kind of looks like Daniel Lioneye.
Euronymous: Ran gothy record store and gothy record label; lead goth of black metal "inner circle" in Oslo; took photos of a freshly dead Dead, put said photos on EP cover, allegedly ate Dead's brains and made jewelry out of his skull; met bloody demise at the hands of his bass player while in his underwear.
Advantage: Euronymous, because god damn, that guy's scary.
Toki Wartooth vs. Blasphemer (guitar)
Toki: Won award from Make-a-Wish-ish foundation then refused to visit cancer kid; best pals with Dr. Rockso the Rock n' Roll Clown; killed Christian rock singer in freak mosh pit accident; kind of looks like Jerry Cantrell with a fu manchu.
Blasphemer: Doesn't do much; lives in Portugal.
Advantage: Toki, pending any good dirt on Blasphemer.
William Murderface vs. Count Grishnackh (bass)
Murderface: Played bass with his penis; owns diamond-encrusted codpiece; has side band called Planet Piss; appeared on "Celebrity Spelling Bee" and spelled "technicality" p-i-s-s-fuck-you; referred to Dr. Rockso as a "painted dildo"; guest-starred on sitcom "Dating Penelope"; licenced notary; kind of looks like a mix of all members of Black Sabbath.
The Count: Allegedly burned down historic stave churches in Norway; currently serving extended prison sentence for stealing station wagon, stockpiling weapons and running from law; writes endless wordy missives about everything from folklore to his domain name; and, oh yeah, killed his bandmate.
Advantage: Murderface, because he's my favorite member of Dethklok. And because the Count is a jackass.
Pickles vs. Hellhammer (drums)
Pickles: Former member of glam rock outfit Snakes & Barrels; drinks a lot; shot at comedy club audience when they failed to laugh at his jokes; accidentally maimed legendary actor with forklift; kind of looks like current, dread-era Axl.
Hellhammer: Only original member of Mayhem still left; member of about 18 other bands and played with Immortal; former mental hospital attendant.
Advantage: Hellhammer, because dreads are not metal.
Dethklok vs. Mayhem
Dethklok: 12th largest economy in the world; drove band shrink to madness; sliced the London Philharmonic in half with a laser beam; backstage rider menu includes mashed potatoes in the shape of a dead lady; plays music so depressing, audience was driven to mass suicide; starred in horrible big-budget blockbuster "Blood Ocean", but set premiere party on fire to halt release; survived multiple assassination attempts; song titles include "Briefcase Full of Guts", "Inner Child Tied and Beaten in My Trunk" and "Crush My Battle Opponent's Balls"; is a cartoon band.
Mayhem: Currently in their 21st year; banned from Malaysia and Indonesia; one member murdered, another member jailed for the murder, another member dead of suicide and another member confined to mental institution after suicide attempt; currently features only one remaining original member, and it's the drummer; song titles include "Impious Devious Leper Lord", "Chainsaw Gutsfuck" and "In the Lies Where upon You Lay"; is a real-live band.
Advantage: Dethklok. Despite the hardcore-ness of Mayhem, Dethklok defines the fine line between stupid and clever by bringing the rock and, despite their endorsement deals, still managing to consistently drive their fans to suicide in their honor.
Sorry, Mayhem. Maybe next time. Start hanging around with a rock n' roll clown to boost credibility, please.