The big sleep

When Joe Pesci won an Oscar for "Goodfellas" in 1991 his speech went a little something like this: "This is an honor and privilege. Thank you very much." I expect the orchestra stood there for a second, unsure of what to do, and then scrambled to cue up a jazzed-up version of the "Layla" piano exit. That is the coolest speech ever. I think if I ever won an Academy Award (for sound editing, of course) I'd totally do something like that. I'd be all "This rocks...thanks", and try to be off the stage before the band leader even has a chance to pick up his baton. Lead by example, I say. Then maybe the ceremony won't be four excruciating hours long. I've got places to go, people. Chop chop.

The Academy also didn't give out gift baskets this year. This makes me mad. Why would anyone want to be star other than to get the free shit? But don't think the Hollywood elite went without; last week, "swag parties" were held all over town to offer up such must-haves as pink boxing gloves, organic dog treats and free Netflix. What kind of cheap bullshit is this? Where are the getaway packages and the free Bulgari? The stupid pink boxing gloves don't even come with Joe Frazier. Highly disappointing, Hollywood. I know there are all those pesky tax issues with giving this stuff away, but rules and laws don't apply to you, so why start obeying now?

In general, I found the Academy Awards to be much like the ground outside of my house: soggy, mushy and maggotty with dog shit that my neighbors have so kindly left in the middle of the sidewalks. In other words, good times. Of course this would mark the year that Marty Scorsese finally won a well-deserved Oscar. And the year that Jack Nicholson appeared bald and looking more disturbing than ever, and nobody made a Britney joke (or commented on his neckfurters). We heard dated Al Gore jokes, and we were treated to all the usual blatant back-patting for all the "diversity" in this year's nominees. And how much longer do we have to endure J-Lo? And Celine? Like I said, maggotty...

• All I wanted was for Jackie Earle to win. Was that too much to ask? Apparently so. I'm sure Alan Arkin is great and all, and granted, I didn't see "Little Miss Sunshine", but Jackie Earle is all kinds of awesome, just for being Jackie Earle. The only thing that could make up for this is if Scarecrow from "The Wizard of Oz" showed up wearing the scalp of Christie Brinkely and a water-stained circa-1973 prom dress. Oh, wait, sorry Gwenyth...was that you? I didn't recognize you because your fake English accent was "off" last night. Kudos on remembering your bra this year, though.

• On the other hand, Reese, oh dear lord, that dress...I would wear it to the grocery store, go on a hike in it and sleep in it. In other words, I would wear it all the time and never take it off, and I would wash it by wearing it into the shower. Speaking of Reese, I wonder if she and Marky Mark got together to discuss how they wouldn't be where they are today if it weren't for "Fear".

• Second-best dressed: Kate Winslet. I love her and I want to marry her.

• Third-best dressed: the girls who got to wear the badass Marie Antoinette outfits during the Best Costume presentation. However, I'm voting fake Marie herself Kirsten Dunst as worst dressed of the evening. What is wrong with her? She has to present with her ex-boyfriend and she wears Brillo couture? Looking super-awesome is the best revenge, and she totally blew it.

• I hope Nicole Kidman doesn't drive a convertible because if she is ever stuck behind a gravel truck and a rock flies out and hits her face it would shatter like a windshield.

• Tom Cruise was kind of quiet this year. Maybe he had an auditing session yesterday morning in which he was advised to tone it down. Didn't see the wife and kid either, so I'm guessing the Scientology PR crew has racheted up the thetan control.

• Cutest couples: Ellen and Portia, Sascha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher, Jaden Smith and Abigail Breslin.

• I know the speeches were cut off earlier this year and a "thank-you cam" was provided backstage so they could thank god, mom, voice coach, lawyer, caterer, reiki technician, dolly grip, etc., ad nauseum. Didn't work, dammit.

Honestly, I can't remember much else because I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Scorsese won, so all is right with the world. This is an honor and privilege. Thank you very much. Now where's my gift basket?