I was in love with Michael Hutchence in fifth grade and got in trouble for ripping a picture of him out of an issue of US Magazine I found in the ladies' lounge at the YMCA. In the picture, he was leaning against a wall with his arms crossed and wearing only a towel. I'm not sure if I was in more trouble over vandalizing the magazine or the fact that the picture was of a shirtless hunk of man meat. I still feel this was my coolest fifth-grade moment.
8/15/2020
7/16/2013
BREAKING NEWS: You can take the Count out of the can...
From News in English:
Black metal, right-wing extremist arrested for planning terrorist attack
The French government confirmed on Tuesday that Kristian “Varg” Vikernes, the Norwegian black metal musician and right-wing extremist who’s been convicted of both murder and setting fire to churches, was arrested in France on Tuesday. He’s charged with planning a major terrorist attack, just a week before the second anniversary of the attacks carried out by another right-wing extremist in Norway.Important commentary on this startling event coming up next on...Stupid & Contagious.
1/04/2013
CoTher 2.4-5: Gutterballs
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| She rolls on shomer Shabbos. |
Anyhoo, let's kick 2013 off right and get caught up on some "Couples Therapy" action! I'm going to count down the best parts of eps 4 and 5. You can thank me later:
1. Doug can't do partner yoga, cries and locks himself in the bathroom
In an effort to help the couples feel "connected," the therapists organize a morning partner yoga session for the gang. But one partner is conspicuously missing because of those pesky California child labor laws.
Doug half-heartedly attempts to do the yoga himself while everyone else is sitting back-to-back with their sweeties to "feel their warmth and their spine." Dammit! Doug is not feeling any warmth or spines so he untwists himself from Warrior 1 and stomps, pouting, into the house. "I can't be with her at night and I've reached my threshold," he cries. I'm guessing he then screams, "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS OUR LOVE!" and flails down the hall wailing and dramatically slams the bathroom door shut so he can privately sulk about his inability to participate in yoga.
Hater Shayne seems to think the problem isn't that Courtney can't be on camera for more than six hours a day: "You can't wear stripper shoes to yoga, so maybe she opted out." Maybe, Shayne, maybe. But Court is has special powers that enable her to incorporate transparent eight-inch platforms into every activity. Exhibit A:
2. Courtney Stodden doesn't have to wear ugly, stinking bowling shoes like everyone else.
In another attempt to encourage "bonding," the CoTher pairs are sent to the bowling alley. Court dresses for the occasion in the aforementioned plexiglass heels and the copper crotch cutters/lycra halter combo from the first episode. Bowling may by Courtney's worst nightmare, but it's a fantastic opportunity to make a gazillion titillating wisecracks about balls. "I don't know how to put my fingers in the ball!" Court squeals. "I'm a bowling virgin!"
Courtney "knocks [my] pins down every time," Doug announces.
"She knows how to work balls," Tiny side-eyes.
Despite her alleged lack of bowling prowess, Court rolls a strike on the first try (at least as editing would lead us to believe). It's the magic of the heels! But how she got away with wearing them instead of the rentable clown shoes everyone else is forced to wear remains a mystery.
3. Courtney still talks to her ex and can't reach things
When Dr. Jenn asks the couples to talk about trust in group, Court drops a bomb. Turns out she's still talking to her 21-year-old ex-boyfriend! WHATTTT???? I'm shocked. SHOCKED. Doug says he's going to bed sometimes and Courtney's phone is blowing up at all hours of the night. Once, he decided to put his foot down on these shenanigans, so he grabbed her phone and told Mr. 21-Year-Old to stop calling his wife, goddammit! Dr. Jenn encourages Courtney to stop trying to stir shit up to get him to tell her he cares. Fat chance, doc!
Despite his attempt at taking a share of the power in the relationship, the scales tipped back in Court's favor when she tries to get something from a not-really-all-that-high shelf. She grunts provocatively and whines that she can't reach so Doug gives her a helping hand:
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| Eight-inch heels did not help in this situation. |
4. This conversation:
Courtney (in the kitchen): Oh my god, there are fries in here! (picks up a wooden spoon) Can I smack your butt with this? (smacks Doug with spoon while he makes sexual sounds)
Doug: Did you get grease on my pants?
Courtney: No. You prima donna.
5. Dourtney
To honor his beloved, Doug scrawls a mural on his bedroom wall: |
| Is anyone else suddenly reminded of the rebus in Highlights magazine? |
Also, they call each other "Dourtney." As in Doug and Courtney combined into one power name, a la Brangelina. It works, I think.
6. Courtney has saved many lives by just being herself
Dr. Jenn meets privately with the Power Couple and announces that she's implementing a dress code in Casa CoTher. Everyone has been complaining to here about Courtney's My Little Ho-ny "outfits" and it's distracting from therapy. Here's her reaction:
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| Mission accomplished, bitches! |
She may have won this round, but the War of Unfairness rages on. So Court suddenly morphs into Elizabeth Cady Stanton and decides to take a stand for those who can't stand up for themselves: The Scantily Clad. She thinks it's wrong to change for others and that she has to speak out for what she believes in because she's a voice for those who want the right to wear postage stamp-sized minis and latex boob trays.
"I've saved many lives!" she implores.
Unfortunately, Dr. Jenn doesn't explore that claim further and instead drops the hammer: from this moment on, there will be no bare midriffs, no boobs hanging out and crotches are to be properly covered at all times...OR ELSE.
"I'm a free spirit!" Courtney complains. "I need to be free to express myself and be creative!" You tell 'em, girlfriend! It's time to really show them what you're made of (besides cotton candy, tanning bed residue and Hidden Fantasy™ by Britney Spears).
Next time: Elizabeth Cady Stanton protests by exposing her midriff and Dr. Jenn is not amused.
10/29/2012
11 Awesome creepy doll movies
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| "Who doesn't love ya, baby?" |
As Halloween is on the horizon and the Frankenstorm bares down on us, I think it's the perfect time to take a look at one of the most reviled horror movie staples: the creepy doll.
It's a wonder that kids aren't utterly terrified of Raggedy Ann & Andy with all of these dolls coming to life and killing people in the movies. They are supposed to bring joy to the little girls and boys, but they really just bring anxiety and fear. Like clowns.
All creepy doll movies have similar hallmarks:
- Nine times out of 10, the doll is possessed. The other one time, they're enacting revenge for mistreatment.
- The dolls always talk, even if they don't have strings.
- If the doll is moved or thrown away, it always comes back.
- Ventriloquist dummies are always the ones in control of the act.
- Every time the doll shows up, tinkly nursery rhyme music plays.
- If the doll is insulted or mistreated in any way, someone dies.
Today, I've listed my personal favorites for your enjoyment (I know I usually do 13 in my lists, but frankly, I've just about had it with creepy doll movies):
11. Child's Play (1988)
I love horror films where the killer says funny things before he slices and dices his/her victims in creative ways. Here are a few of the best lines from one of the most infamous creepy dolls in filmdom...Chucky:
"Goodnight, asshole."
"You have a date with death."
"You stupid bitch! I'll teach you to mess with me!"
Lady: Ugly doll. Chucky: Fuck you.
That Chucky...he's such a jerk!
Creep factor: 3
Hilarity factor: 10
10. Dead of Night (1945)
Why do ventriloquists in horror movies always sell their souls for a successful career? I mean, who really wants to be a professional ventriloquist that badly? Anyway, the doll portion doesn't come until the very end of the movie, so you'll have to wait a bit for it, and it's good in the meantime. I'm not sure if the puppeteer really sold his soul here, but he is definitely crazy and thinks the dummy is alive and operates completely under its' Svengali-like control...and it drives him to kill.
Creep factor: 4
Hilarity factor: 7
9. Demonic Toys (1992)
This movie is actually really stupid (I know, crazy, right?), but is worth a watch for 1.) the man-eating teddy bear and 2.) the cussing baby doll who has more funny lines than Chucky, such as: "Hi, you fat fuck! I'm Baby Oopsy-Daisy, you lardass! Will you be my special friend?", "Mother of Satan!" and "You're heavy, you Moby fucking Dick!"
Creep factor: 1 (clown doll)
9. Demonic Toys (1992)
This movie is actually really stupid (I know, crazy, right?), but is worth a watch for 1.) the man-eating teddy bear and 2.) the cussing baby doll who has more funny lines than Chucky, such as: "Hi, you fat fuck! I'm Baby Oopsy-Daisy, you lardass! Will you be my special friend?", "Mother of Satan!" and "You're heavy, you Moby fucking Dick!"
Creep factor: 1 (clown doll)
Hilarity factor: 6
8. Poltergeist (1982)
Everyone knows clowns are creepy. The only person in the world who probably likes clowns is someone like Mary Lou Retton, who I'm guessing likes everybody. The parents in this movie deserve the hauntings and the decomposing corpses in their swimming pool for buying their buck-toothed son a horrifying clown doll that he throws under his bed so he doesn't have to look at it. Of course, Bozo comes to life and tries to yank him under there, too. And then a tree comes to life and tries to eat him, his sister gets sucked into a closet and talks through the TV and a guy who looks like my elementary school guidance counselor claws his own face off. P.S. This movie is rated PG!
Creep factor: 7
Hilarity factor: 3 (the medium is kind of funny)
7. Dolls (1987)
This is one of those satisfying movies where all the awful people get creamed and the nice ones get a shiny, happy ending. It's also one of those satisfying horror movies with live-action animation of tiny dolls blocking the paths of full-grown adults, gang-tackling them and sawing them up with tiny weapons. The awful people in this one include two drifter chicks with fake British accents who are both sporting Boy Toy-era Madonna wear and a stick-in-the-mud stepmother in a turban and floor-length fur who signs her own death certificate by throwing a little girl's teddy bear away.
Creep factor: 3
Hilarity factor: 8
6. Magic (1978)
Anthony Hopkins' ventriloquist/magic act is a big hit, thanks mainly to the asshole persona of his dummy Fats. Burgess Meredith gets him his own TV show (which I hope is way better than that one guy with the puppets who is on Comedy Central all the time—he blows) and Hopkins freaks out because he's afraid of success. He takes off for some alone time in the Catskills with Ann-Margaret, but it soon becomes clear that Fats is far more than just a wooden creeper: HE'S ANTHONY HOPKINS HIMSELF. Or something like that. Anyway, it's really good and also very sad.
Creep factor: 6
Hilarity factor: 0
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| Someone opened the ark...and didn't look away! |
This straight-to-video classic features an incomprehensible "plot," a protagonist with feathered Robert Wagner hair and a cavalry of unforgettable living dolls, including:
- One with a tiny head, huge hands and brute strength
- Mr. Drill Head
- A lady doll who spits up leeches
- My personal favorite, Lil' Skullface, complete with a mini hook hand (see picture at left)!
Creep factor: 0
Hilarity factor: 10
4. Dead Silence (2007)
The cast alone should make you want to see this one: True Blood's Ryan Kwanten as a widower who just has to find answers, Donnie Wahlberg as a wisecracking cop, Amber Valetta as a gold-digging socialite (the only role she ever plays) and the warden from Shawshank Prison as an aging fatcat. Despite lackluster reviews, I personally really enjoyed this fun romp that includes some some genuine humor and genuine scares (and a doll cemetery complete with little wooden coffins!!!).
Creep factor: 8
Hilarity factor: 8
3. "The Twilight Zone" (Episode 126; 1963)
It's not a movie, but it's a classic. Telly Savalas threatens a talking doll by holding a match close to her, throwing her across the room, tossing her in a trash can and putting bricks on the lid, squishing her plastic head in a vice and running her neck through a ban saw. The doll doesn't take to kindly to Telly's torture. Her infamous (and awesome) response: "Hi, I'm Talky Tina and I'm going to KILL YOU!"
Creep factor: 9
Hilarity factor: 8
2. Devil Doll (1964)
Here we go again with the career ventriloquists. In this film, the dummy Hugo helps his "master" The Great Vorelli become a sensation when he astounds audiences by actually getting off Vorelli's lap, walking to the front of the stage and greeting the crowd. The morons around Vorelli think he's really just an amazing magician, but the truth is MUCH. MORE. SINISTER. Hugo is a loose cannon and needs to be locked in a cage every night. Hugo and Vorelli even have a stand-off at a cocktail party where the dummy menaces the magician with a butter knife. It's a must-see for that scene alone.
Creep factor: 9
Hilarity factor: 9
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The next person who recommends Pantene gets stabbed in the face.
|
1. Trilogy of Terror (1975)
The "zulu fetish doll" segment, starring the always awesome Karen Black, has the dubious honor of being both legitimately creepy and unabashedly hilarious. If the little zulu statue with the piranha-like teeth, itty-bitty spear and cat-on-a-fence-at-midnight screechings isn't fabulous enough, his "attacks" are even better. He pops out of the bathtub! He somehow manages to open a door, despite being about a foot tall! He jabs a steak knife under doors! He saws his way out of a suitcase! And of course (spoiler alert!) he wins in the end. They always do!
Creep factor: 10
Hilarity factor: 10,000
10/27/2012
CoTher 2.3: My fair Courtney
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| "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the pl.... OMG, A POT-SMOKING SKUNK!" |
Two people we don't have to worry about are our favorite gruesome twosome, Doug Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden. Or do we? Today, Court is sporting an Afghan Hound blowout and her leather hotpants from the last episode. Doug tells her she looks beautiful and then promptly throws his back out. It's the perfect illustration of this episode's running theme: Courtney's skankwear and the aging Svengali with a slipped disc who loves it.
Group therapy starts out with a blergh when Dr. Jenn looks right at our happy couple and makes a comment about "using your wife as a sexual object to promote her career." Doug takes offense, but Judge Jenn asks him if it's not true that his family and friends have abandoned him, his work options have dried up and he is now in the business of Courtney. Is that NOT TRUE, Doug Hutchinson??
Court pouts and says nobody understands that she's actually a really sweet person with very strong Christian beliefs and that god made her just the way she is and he also made copper spandex disco crotch-cutters and matching boob slings so what's the big deal?
Dr. Jenn suddenly morphs into Professor Henry Higgins and asks Court if she'd be willing to wear sweats, no makeup and regular flat shoes. "I want to be like that!" Courtney insists. "But I'm stubborn and I need help!" Now Courtney, Dr. Jenn promises that by the end of "Couples Therapy," you'll ride in a carriage to Buckingham Palace and if the royals think you a lady, you'll get a job in a shop! But if they think you a trampasaurus in sheep's clothing, you shall be banished to the lunchtime side stage at The Eager Beaver. It's going to be hard, because Court eats the attention up with a spoon and "sometimes [I] forget [I'm] married!" The comment shocks everyone, including Doug, and the facial expressions of surprise, disgust and confusion are priceless.
Courtney is using her age as an excuse, but Tiny reminds her that she "made a grown-woman decision to get married." Tiny, we don't tolerate that kind of rationality and real-keeping in Courtneywood! But Dr. Jenn implores Court to listen to others' input whether she likes what they have to say or not.
Later, Nik and Doug have a sit-down, Tony Soprano-style, to work out their differences. But unlike Tony, the counselor/moderator allows both of them to keep their kneecaps and livelihoods. All seems to be going smoothly until Doug tries to tell Court what happened. Here's their conversation:
Courtney: Tell me what you talked about; tell me everything!
Doug: That cat is a trip.
Courtney: Meow! You are so cute!
Doug: I think it was under the auspices of...
Courtney: So sorry to interrupt you, but it smells like a skunk out here. Anyways, I'm sorry; so what happened?
Doug: I think we accomplished what we're going to accomplish with this and I don't think he's going to hurl insults at you any more...
Courtney: I smell pot! The skunk is smoking pot!
Doug: You are so distracted. Anyway, he said his intention is to understand us more, which I don't think is the complete truth...
Courtney: (gasps) It's that skunk again! It's smoking pot!
Doug: I'm trying to share with you and you're not in the mood. You want to play.
Courtney: I'm just warning you that it's getting closer.
"She communicates in a 21st-century way," Doug rations. "She's a teenager." Why can't a woman be more like a man, Doug? WHY??? He tries to explain to Courtney that when he wants to tell her stuff, she gets distracted by bugs and puppies and unexpected breezes and IT HURTS HIS FEELINGS. Yeah, yeah, Doug, Court gets it, but how is she supposed to concentrate on your feelings when there are ravenous coyotes howling in the background? "Shoot a gun in the air!" Courtney screams. "I appreciate nature, but that's a part of nature I don't want to hear!"
While Courtney is busy shooting pool in a bikini (later she's going to wash Doug's car in slow motion), Doug joins Tiny on the patio and she expresses her concern about Courtney's appearance. "I'm more concerned about how she feels about herself to dress so inappropriately," she says."Those clothes are like, 'Hello, hoochie!'" God created those clothes, Tiny, GOD. Who are you to question the man upstairs?
Despite her blasphemy, Tiny's comments make Doug think. And he thinks the thoughts he had about Courtney's outfits are making him think more negatively than he previously thought. Uh oh, troubs in paradise! If these two could just work it out, wouldn't be lovely?
Next week: The boys of Courtney's past!
10/25/2012
BREAKING (kind of): I'm quoted in The Telegraph!!!!
While I'm bummed that I just now discovered this (the column ran in 2011), that is not going to stop me from putting on my Burger King crown with "I'm #1" written on it and parading around my apartment because I am now KING SHIT ("Queen Shit" just doesn't sound epic enough for what I am).
10/18/2012
CoTher 2.2: Dream a little dream of C
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| "No, really, tell me more about your weird half-dream that didn't really happen." |
So here we are and I'm finally blogzzzzz about thizzzzzzzzzz. When we last left off, Doug Hutchinson had just told Nik Ritchie, "We're going down" unless Nik apologizes for calling Courtney trash. And when we pick up, nothing really happens. Boo! Nik says, "He's 51 years old and he's dating a girl in high school. Doug is mindfucked." Doug says he and Court Court hoped to come into a "safe, nonjudgemental environment," but that hope has gone down the toilet. Zzzzz... this is not exciting. What can I do to spice this up? Oh, I can tell you this: I was just informed today that Doug played one of the child rapists in the hit John Grisham adaptation (and the movie that made Matthew McConaughey a stahhh) A Time to Kill. Ironic!
After that grinding start, shit starts getting a little more lively. There's a little bit of an issue with filming because, see, Courtney has to leave the house and go stay in a hotel because she's underage and there are all these annoying child labor laws in California so she can only film for 6.5 hours a day. This means our star-crossed lovers have to be apart for a good portion of the day. As Courtney boards the Holiday Inn Airport Shuttle (I don't know if that's really what it is, but let's pretend) and drives away, she and Doug both longingly reach out, desperate to not let go. Doug whispers,"I'll dream about you tonight!"
The next day, harsh, banal reality is about to set in as the couples file stoically into the first group therapy session.
Dr. Jenn comes into the session guns ablazin': everyone is required to reveal the lowest, darkest moment in their relationships. One couple says it was when wife announced, "I want a divorce." Another reveals it was when husband got out of the hospital after almost drinking himself to death. It's all very depressing and sad. Then, here's Courtney and Doug:
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| Britney, if you're reading this, THIS is how you do extensions. |
Whew. Dr. Jenn thinks the problem is Courtney's outfits and if they're going to "have peace" she's just going to have to knock it off with the Lycra spandex camel toe/nip bullshit. Here we go again with the Judgy Judgerton! Dr. Jenn, stop being all jel and shit!
After the group therapy fuckery, a new couple joins the house and it's rapper Too $hort and his girlfriend Monica. They met at a George Clinton concert (which is awesome) and they're having problems because Too $hort is a sex fiend (which blows). The two newbies show up as Courtney and Doug are telling everyone all about how Courtney was going to wear a bikini to their wedding, but she ended up going with a white mini that cost $15 at Rave or something (and the best supporting stars in this show are Nik Ritchie's facial expressions of disgust).
Courtney greets Too $hort and Monica by telling them she's a white girl and doesn't understand who they are because she was born in '94 and is the same age as Justin Bieber. And if that didn't make hell freeze over, this will: Too $hort is dumbfounded. It's a historic moment, kind of like the first episode of Rock of Love: Bus when Random Blonde #753 jabbed a test tube shot into the danger zone of Random Blonde #289 and even Bret was grossed out. Courtney tells $hort that her mom is Doug's age and her dad is two years younger. "I'm shocked," $hort says. "That literally shocked me." And then he gets all judgy on Court's minidress. "I know strippers who don't dress like that when they're not working," he chides. "I don't want to sit around and stare at children's boobies." Aaaaannnd...Too $hort officially has the quote of the ep. Congrats!
After a scene that is clearly trying to brainwash people into thinking our Court is a big dum dum (she can't tell the difference between a dishwasher and a garbage compactor), our favorite couple heads into their first individual therapy session. Dr. Jenn is already on the offensive, saying she's struggling about treating them and wondering if this is a predatory relationship or a legitimate one. More haterz! It's Doug and Court against the world.
Doug says he's truly in love and Courtney informs Dr. Jenn that when you look like her, physically, men follow you home and write to you. When you have that kind of attention, it's difficult to discern what's real and who just wants a piece of ass. Yuck, who wants all those letters? It's totally annoying when you have to read them and stuff. Well, anyway, Doug liked Courtney for the RIGHT reasons and she insists that she's the one who pushed him to get married.
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| "Rocket science" is actually a colloquial term for aerospace engineering—DUHHHHH!" |
Now, here's where the dream tunnel picks up. Dr. Jenn tells Court that she presents in a "very hypersexual way" and that usually translates to "bad touch from Daddy." But Courtney says NO, she was not molested and she is just more comfortable putting the goods in the storefront window with giant spotlights, neon signs and a local high school band playing "Proud Mary" around it. So there!
Doug then opens his heart and talks about how his love with Courtney has torn his family apart. His mom sent back all the Mother's Day cards he sent over the years and his brother, with whom he had a close relationship, informed him that he's no longer welcome at family functions. "My family has become Courtney," he says sadly and Dr. Jenn concludes that this makes them feel like Romeo and Juliet and that's not good for healthy relationship development. And then they do trust falls with Dr. Jenn (not really, but let's pretend) and the session is over.
It's soon dinnertime at Casa CoTher and everyone's pitching in. Courtney prances into the kitchen in a teeny red bikini and her ever-present stripper heels and starts cleaning the table. That's not a euphemism, but she does start pointing the bottle of cleaner at Nik and saying, "Where should I squirt this? Tell me where to squirt it!" She may as well have just stood up on the table and poured a bottle of Cristal over her head. Subtle she's not!
Shayne encourages Courtney to put on some clothes and she retreats to the bedroom to throw on a pair of leather booty shorts. Shayne is pissed, saying, "I don't want my man looking at that while he eats his potatoes!" and takes her food to eat somewhere else. The word respect is thrown around liberally. And the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. Court munches away innocently on her meatloaf puree, Malt-O-Meal and zweiback (not really, but let's pretend) while everyone else stews around her.
This week's final scene really says it all: Courtney casually lounges by the pool in her red dinnertime bikini while everyone else smokes, gives each other side-eyes and broods. That's right, people...it's Courtney's world. And you just live in it.
Next week: "I'm never going to be ok with what you do." 12-step. "She needs to find her voice."
Photo stills courtesy of VH1
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