Gwynnie has lost it

If you thought the last two posts on GOOP were crazy, wait until you read this. This shit is getting seriously weird. Chris Martin, if you're reading this, commit your wife as quickly as possible.

Truthfully, I'm not even sure what to say about Gwyneth's latest "newsletter"...for once I'm speechless. So I'm simply going to cut and paste the whole mess here for you to see for yourself. Pad your jaw so it doesn't hurt too much when it hits the floor.

I was having dinner with a dear friend of my godmother's, Marianne Williamson. For those of you not acquainted with Marianne, she's best known as an author, life advisor and spiritual activist. She radiates an almost golden aura that can make her quite intimidating to those who don't know her, but she's actually very down-to-earth and irreverent. On this particular evening, our conversation turned to holistic healing and home remedies. As it turned out, both of our families had passed many of the same old cure-alls from generation to generation. Some of these tried-and-true remedies I use on my own little ones when they get tummy aches or sore throats or fall and bruise their legs during play. Others are used to refresh tired skin or halt the spread of gray hairs. Marianne and I compiled a list to share some of our favorites. We hope these tips will help when you're in a pinch.

• Alcohol mixed with lemon juice and mint leaves can ease the sting of a sunburn.

• Raw garlic, when rubbed gently on the face, helps clear away blemishes and redness.

• To ease a sore throat and cough: grind up some pure mango bark (which can be found at many health-food stores), mix 1/3 cup with 2 tablespoons of sea salt, 1 teaspoon of honey and the juice and pulp from two fresh-squeezed organic oranges. Apply as a poultice to your chest and cover with a warm, damp towel.

• For headaches, try yogic kriyas like jalneti and kunjal.

• Drink five cups of organic chamomile tea in quick succession to stop the spread of poison ivy.

• Ear wax works wonders for cold sores—seriously! Be sure to use a cotton-tipped swab to apply directly to the affected area. This is also a very effective way to keep developing sores from forming completely.

• Keep a jar of mashed fenugreek leaves and pickled ginger in your refrigerator. When you feel nauseated, open the jar and breathe deeply.

• Sprinkle a mixture of linseed, epsom salt and bishop's weed around baby's crib to ward away diaper rash.

• Everyone knows that cucumber slices are wonderful for ridding the under-eyes of dark circles. Soak cosmetic puffs in Indian gooseberry juice and place them on top of the cucumber slices for faster healing.

• Dollop butter into your hair once a week for 45 minutes to ward off premature grays.

• Instantly cure a hangover by blending two cups of milk, one whole banana and a shot of tabasco sauce. Drink the mixture slowly to allow your body to absorb the nutrients.

• Chew 12 dandelions and wash them down with an 8 oz. glass of water mixed with baking soda and vinegar to ease the pain of a toothache.

• Tie a red silk ribbon around a potato and bury it in your vegetable garden. In three days, warts will disappear. This works best if the potato is buried near a cantaloupe plant.

• Add powdered sugar, whole papayas and Indian squill to ice-cold bath water and soak for 15 minutes. This will alleviate even the worst menstrual cramps.

• Nothing gets rid of varicose veins disappear faster than virgin's blood.

She's really lost it, like for real. I think I'm a little bit worried about Gwyneth...and Marianne Williamson is a very bad influence! I think she needs a Britney-style intervention. Time for her mother, celebrated actress Blythe Danner, to take over control of Gwynnie's assets!

P.S. If it wasn't totally obvious, I made all this shit up. Happy April Fool's Day, lovelies! Um, don't really do any of this stuff...if that isn't totally obvious, either.

Here's to the Panty Police!

I think I've seen every episode of Law & Order: SVU at least five times, mainly thanks to USA's ad nauseum nightly repeats and frequent holiday marathons. I've had a love/hate relationship with the show lately because I started getting sick of it and the new episodes are really scraping it for freaky crimes (Santaria again?). Also, when did Benson get a brother?

A slight case of the sniffles and sheer boredom has inspired me to start watching again, and in an effort to spice up my relationship with SVU, create this very special L&O: SVU drinking game! Remember those? If you don't (geek), here's what you do: simply settle down in front of the telly when the show comes on (doesn't matter which episode) with your favorite adult beverage and sip, drink or chug appropriately each time one of the items on the list occurs on the show. If all goes as planned, you should be ass over elbows in 60 minutes flat! If you're sick like me, replace liquor with NyQuil—trust me, it's just as effective. I created this list from my own ideas, as well as some found online. Have any to add? Comment away! In the meantime, if you crash on the way home, don't blame the bartender.

Sip once every time:
• the “ching ching” noise is played.
• someone says “Do you have children, Detective?”
• Olivia says “Sonofabitch!”
• Miranda rights are read.
• one of the detectives hangs up the phone and says, “That was Warner. She’s got something for us in the crime lab.”
• Cragen yells, “Benson/Stabler, in my office...NOW!”
• Cragen says, “Where are we on this case?”
• one of the detectives gets too close to the case.
• someone says, “Is that enough for a warrant?”
• Munch wears his trilby.
• Stabler threatens a suspect.
• cops from another squad put down SVU, calling them “panty police”, “sex cops”, etc.
• Olivia has to break a date to work on the case. (1 drink if she shows up on the scene in an evening gown.)
• a witness at a crime scene says, “Can I go now?”
• Stabler worries about his kids’ safety.
• Stabler squints.
• someone refers to a suspect "lawyering up."
• Elizabeth Donnelly (Judith Light) acts bitchy.
• Munch refers to one of his ex-wives.
• Finn says, “That’s messed up.”
• someone tells a detective to “go do your job.”
• someone screams, "You're out of line!"
• the detectives go undercover.
• Huang suggests interrogation techniques.
• one of the guest stars was also onOz.

Take 1 drink every time:
• someone actually says, “You’re getting too close to the case.”
• the crime takes place at Hudson University. (1 drink if Stabler says, “Maureen goes to Hudson!”)
• Novak/Cabot says, “I can’t just send you out on a fishing expedition.”
• Stabler kicks in a door.
• Stabler’s USMC tattoo is visible.
• one of the detectives is found in contempt of court.
• Elizabeth Donnelly personally blames Novak/Cabot for the loss of a case.
• DNA is obtained from a coffee cup or soda can left in the interrogation room.
• someone asks, “Who could have DONE this?” and Olivia replies, “That’s what we’re trying to find out.”
• the detectives make smartass remarks to a suspect as they arrest him/her.
• Munch talks about conspiracy theories.
• Finn wears his hair down.
• one of the main characters is seriously injured or shot.
• a witness is killed or commits suicide.
• there is a courtroom outburst.
• missing body parts are discovered.
• there is a mob hit.
• a guest star who typicially plays nice characters plays someone sadistic (i.e. Henry Winkler as a black widower, Fred Savage as a serial rapist).
• a guest star who has been on the show before appears again as a totally different character.
• Olivia investigates without backup.
• the detectives are shown in their “NYPD” jackets.
• the detectives' cover is blown.
• Huang actually does the interrogation himself.
• Novak is shown doing something athletic.
• Munch flirts with ME Warner.
• the case is obviously “ripped from the headlines.”

Chug if:
• a sexual perversion you’ve never heard of is mentioned.
• Munch kicks in a door.
• Ice-T's wife Coco makes a guest appearance.
• it's the Michael Pitt episode.

Another Stupid/Contagious poll!

Because your opinion matters at S&C

RockitQueen's Stupid Quotes 2006 Quiz!

More end-of-the-year fun! See if you can match the stupid quote to which one of our little friends that said it. Answers will be included in the comments section below the post.

THE STUPID QUOTISTS
Aaron Carter
Britney Spears
Count Grishnackh
Jessica Simpson
Kevin Federline
Paris Hilton
Pete Doherty
Scott Stapp
Ted Nugent
Tom Cruise

THE STUPID QUOTES
1.) "The French royals used perfume to drown their own foul smell in the XVIIth and XVIIIth century, instead of simply washing. They were so filthy and disgusting that modern man shivers in disgust when they hear about them."

2.) "Like I need my balls magnified. Dogs are humping the air as we speak."

3.) "I'll pick out two outfits, one which is disgusting and one nice and I'll ask my friend what they think. If they go for the revolting one, I cut them out of my life."

4.) "What you hear about in all those bullshit-ass magazines is bullshit. Look, my shit stinks just like everyone else. I think the best thing I'll ever have going for me is that I’m me, you know what I mean?"

5.) "I constantly encourage myself to find the genuine need for understanding the search of fulfillment. I have yet to accumilate [sic] the exact way to outline the perfect essay on obtaining truth, but I have many notes."

6.) “Obviously someone wants to hurt me and doesn't want me to be successful in my solo career.”

7.) "I knew at that moment she was pregnant. ’Cuz I notice things in people.”

8.) "Maybe I could go to Atlanta. I've been to Atlanta. I like suburbia-type areas. "

9.) “[I read] Crime And Punishment! Except my cellmate at the time kept pulling his shorts down and getting his knob out, and going, ‘Is this normal?’ And I’m trying to read."

10.) ''Where's your youth, bro?''

The Soon-To-Be Famous First Line Quiz: The '80s

I don't know about you, but that last post left a bad taste in my mouth. And by bad taste, I mean the rank tang of regurgitation. So let's cleanse the palate with some more '80s goodness, shall we? Here are the first lines from 50 '80s songs—see if you can guess what they are. It's already pretty tricky, and make it even trickier, I reproduced the lines using proper punctuation (or as close to it as I can get)...you may be surprised how much harder that makes it! I'll post the answers in the comments section below the post. Don't peek!

Good luck, sweeties!

1. Now, the king told the boogie men, "You have to let that raga drop."
2. You're wondering who I am—machine or mannequin.
3. Give me time to realize my crime. Let me love and steal.
4. I can't believe the news today; I can't close my eyes and make it go away.
5. She'll only come out at night, —the lean and hungry type.
6. Who's gonna tell you when it's too late? Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great?
7. Er war ein Punker, und er lebte in der großen Stadt.
8. No New Year's Day to celebrate; no chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away.
9. Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick and think of you.
10. Well, I'm an axegrinder piledriver.
11. Dig, if you will, the picture of you and I engaged in a kiss.
12. Every time I think of you, I feel a shot right through with a bolt of blue.
13. Jump back, what's that sound ? Here she comes, full blast and top down.
14. Watch out, you might get what you're after.
15. Will I see him on the TV, preachin' 'bout the promised land?
16. Something in the way you love me won't let me be.
17. I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather.
18. Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming around.
19. I went to a party last Saturday night; I didn't get laid, I got in a fight.
20. Sometimes, you're better off dead.
21. Hast du etwas Zeit für mich
22. There are things that you guess and things that you know.
23. We're talking away. I don't know what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway.
24. Hey, you! Get into my car!
25. I know just how to whisper, and I know just how to cry. I know just where to find the answers, and I know just how to lie.
26. This whole life seems much too long; little point in going on.
27. There's a little black spot on the sun today. It's the same old thing as yesterday
28. All you've got is this moment. The twenty-first century's yesterday.
29. What you gonna do when you get out of jail?
30. I heard you on the wireless back in '52, lying awake intent at tuning in on you.
31. The sun goes down, the night rolls in; you can feel it starting all over again.
32. You turn me on. You lift me up, and like the sweetest cup, I'd share with you.
33. Josie's on a vacation far away.
34. It's Christmastime; —there's no need to be afraid; at Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade.
35. Hot summer streets and the pavements are burning.
36. You've gone too far this time and I'm dancing on the valentine.
37. Once I had a love and it was a gas.
38. I walked along the avenue. I never thought I'd meet a girl like you.
39. Ricky was a young boy; he had a heart of stone.
40. If I get to know your name, well, I could trace your private number, baby.
41. Got to take a little time, a little time to think things over.
42. Love is like a bomb, baby. Come on, get it on.
43. She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene.
44. Just and urchin living under the streets, I'm a hard case that's tough to beat.
45. You put the boom-boom into my heart.
46. There comes a time when we need a certain call when the world must come together as one.
47. There'’s this girl that'’s been on my mind all the time.
48. Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere.
49. I feel a hot wind on my shoulder and the touch of a world that is older.
50. Jump on outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of ambition.

Scoring
4 or less: I'm guessing you probably weren't even alive in the '80s.
5–14: Nick at Nite doesn't count as an '80s experience.
15–24: You got the easy ones!
25–34: Ronald Reagan presents you with an award for '80s superstar!
35–45: Denny Terrio, is that you?
45+: Wow, I'm impressed. And you need some serious help.

Modern master or serial slasher?

So don't ask me how I came up with this (too much "American Justice" is my guess), but somehow my brain that is clogged with molten hops and bong resin has dreamed up a super-fun art game! Introducing: 20th CENTURY GREAT or SERIAL KILLER?!?! *rim shot!* The rules are simple: match the following works to the artist—is it a renowned modern-era master or is it a jailed psycho with a thirst for human blood? You decide! Let's see how you do....don't scroll down for the answers until you've given it a shot.

THE ART
1.)












2.)











3.)










4.)











5.)










6.)










7.)











8.)










THE ARTISTS
A.) Angelo Buono, one half of the "Hillside Strangler" murder team responsible for five deaths in 1977 Los Angeles
B.) Elmer Wayne Henley, teen accomplice of Dean Corill, who killed 27 boys in Texas in the early '70s
C.) Damien Hirst, the second-highest paid living artist in the world today, next to Jasper Johns
D.) Henry Lee Lucas, perhaps the most prolific serial murder in the United States (he's claimed more than 300 victims)
E.) Charles Manson, infamous cult leader and orchestrator of the brutal murders of nine
F.) Grandma Moses, American folk artist and national treasure who produced paintings up to and beyond her 100th birthday
G.) Georgia O'Keeffe, influential painter widely regarded as one of the greatest artists of the 20th century
H.) Mark Rothko, Depression-era impressionist credited with helping to usher in the Pop Art phenomenon of the 1960s

For the record, I really don't have a point here. I just thought it would be funny. If I was trying to make a point I would have linked to Damien Hirst's website and made some dramatic statements about how at least the serial killers didn't slay something in order to make the art. I hate you, Damien Hirst, and the animals do, too. Maybe we should sic the Animal Militia on him so they can hopefully make his life a living hell. You're a hack, Hirst, do you hear me? A FUCKING HACK!!!

So I guess there is a point to all this after all: I realized how much of a blind hatred I have for Damien Hirst and his ilk. And that I am officially now going to hell for including Grandma Moses in all of this madness. She's just a sweet little old lady who does not deserve to be listed next to the likes of Damien Hirst.

How did you do anyway? Let's find out!

THE ANSWERS
(1.) A—Angelo Buono (2.) G—Georgia O'Keeffe (3.) B—Elmer Wayne Henley (4.) H—Mark Rothko (5.) E—Charles Manson (6.) D—Henry Lee Lucas (7.) F—Grandma Moses (8.) C—Damien Hirst (the fucker)

Read yesterday's post first, you cheater!

By popular demand, here are the answers to yesterday's '80s heavy metal quiz! Now, don't cheat. Take the quiz first and THEN you can look here.

I said DON'T CHEAT! I mean it. God is watching.

1. In an infamous upset, the totally un-metal Jethro Tull walked away with the 1989 Grammy controversially beating out Metallica's blistering performance of "One", the favorite in the category. In response to the criticism they received over the award, the band then took out an ad in a British newspaper to proclaim, "The flute is a heavy metal instrument!"

2. Gene Simmons' real name is Chaim Klein Witz.

3. "God Bless the Children of the Beast" was not on the list, but the Crue's "Bastard" was.

4. Skid Row was on tour opening for Guns N' Roses when "Slave To The Grind" relased at the top of the charts on June 11, 1991.

5. Believe it or not, Lars originally moved to L.A. to pursue a career as a tennis pro, when he met guitarist James Hetfield and formed Metallica. Lars' father Torben (who looks disturbingly like Gandolf) was the number-one ranked seniors tennis player in the world in the mid-70s.

6. Janet Gardener of Vixen is alive and well. Slaughter's Tim Kelly was killed in a car accident in 1998; Steve Clark's alcoholism caught up with him in 1991; and Ty Longley was one of 99 people who perished in a tragic nightclub fire in 2003.

7. "I was driving a septic-tank truck. I thought I'd be driving trucks all my life. I was a slow comer. I never dreamed of growing up and being a rock star. I used to be a shy guy, but when I started singing, I felt right at home."—Jeff Keith of Tesla

8. My boys GN'R did it: "Sweet Child" hit number one in '88, "Patience" peaked at number four a year later, and "Don't Cry" slid in at number 10 in '91.

9. The "big four of Thrash" are: Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax and Slayer...not Dokken.

10. D—"Rocket Queen" is the last song on "Appetite For Destruction," but unfortunately some 15-year-old who posted once in 2001 got the coveted rocketqueen.blogspot.com moniker, hence the altered spelling. "Here I am, your RockitQueen. I might be a little young, but honey I ain't naive." Rock!!

RockitQueen's '80s Heavy Metal Quiz!

Hey, rock stars, let's see if you are as big a metalhead as I.

1. Who won the very first Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance Grammy Award?

Judas Priest
Quiet Riot
Page/Plant
Jethro Tull


2. Which of these metallers doesn't go by his or her real name?

Gene Simmons
Kip Winger
Robbin Crosby
Lita Ford


3. Which metal song was NOT on the PMRC's original "Filthy 15" list of offensive tunes?

"God Bless The Children Of The Beast", Motley Crue
"Let Me Put My Love Into You", AC/DC
"We're Not Gonna Take It", Twisted Sister
"High N' Dry", Def Leppard


4. What album was the very first metal album to debut at #1 on the Billboard charts?

"Metallica" (the black album), Metallica
"Slave To The Grind", Skid Row
"GN'R Lies", Guns N' Roses
"Look What The Cat Dragged In", Poison


5. What was drummer/Napster-hater Lars Ulrich in training to be when Metallica hit it big?

Sous chef
Computer programmer
Professional tennis player
Dutch-English translator


6. Which of the following metal guitarists is NOT dead?

Tim Kelly, Slaughter
Steve Clark, Def Leppard
Janet Gardner, Vixen
Ty Longley, Great White


7. This singer drove a septic truck before he became a rock star.

Kevin DuBrow of Quiet Riot
Stephen Pearcy of Ratt
Taime Downe of Faster Pussycat
Jeff Keith of Tesla


8. Which band had three power ballads to show in the top 10 on the US Hot 100 charts?

Bon Jovi ("I'll Be There For You", "Wanted Dead Or Alive", "Never Say Goodbye")
Guns N' Roses ("Sweet Child O' Mine", "Patience", "Don't Cry")
Motley Crue ("Home Sweet Home", "Without You", "You're All I Need")
Poison ("Every Rose Has It's Thorn", "I Won't Forget You", "Something To Believe In")


9. Which band is NOT known as one of the "big four of Thrash"?

Dokken
Anthrax
Metallica
Megadeth


10. Where in the world did I get the name RockitQueen?

It's the nickname of a famous Sunset Strip groupie
It's the name of an early Motley Crue bootleg
It's the nickname of Angus Young's guitar
It's a Guns N' Roses song

How many did you get right? Click the button below to find out then check out what your score means.
9–10 corrrect: You've got Metal Up Your Ass!!!!! You have at least 10 black T-shirts, still can't get over the shock of seeing Metallica with short hair, whip out the air guitar when "Panama" comes on the radio and would trade your firstborn for a "real" Guns N' Roses reunion. Congrats—you're just like me, you rock star, you! Wanna watch "Supergroup" with me on Sunday?

8–7: You're a Youth Gone Wild and Nobody's Fool, but lack the no-life rabidity of the metal connoisseur. Still, you've probably attended at least one hair metal reunion show in the last five years and have transferred all your 80s metal CDs onto your iPod. You may not rock to live, but you definitely live to rock.

6–5: I Remember You—you were a big metal fan in high school, but moved on to something else later in life. You probably know the words to a few of 80s metal songs, most likely the power ballads like "Every Rose" or the mega hits like "One", and you've probably caught VH1's "Most Metal Moments" countdown. But you're just more into the Strokes these days.

3–4: Welcome To The Jungle—this quiz was a toughie, wasn't it? I'm sure you know there is a difference between Metallica and Megadeth, but probably don't know Dave Mustaine from James Hetfield and why they hate each other. If you'd like to learn more, though, you've come to the right place. Stupid & Contagious can guide you if you'll just let it...

1–2: This has been your Theater of Pain. When you think of "metal", you probably think of Good Charlotte, Sum 41 or, god forbid, Avril Lavigne (and you probably loved her cover of "Fuel" at the Metallica Icon concert). My guess is that you might be a hipster, which would explain a lot.

0: God, you suck.