Remember yesterday, walking hand in hand

Help me, I can't stop with the end-of-the-year stuff! And I thought it would be rather interesting at this juncture to revisit some of the misfit toys I've written about over the past year and see where they are now. Don't you think that would be fun? I do! So here we go:

Corey Haim, elephantine former child star/pill popper
When we last left the Haimster, he had suffered a drug-induced stroke and was an aimlessly drifting vagabond; recently rumors swirled that he was filming a reality series with '80s pal Corey Feldman that I predicted would be the greatest show to ever appear on anything ever in the history of the whole world. Well, get ready for this: according to IMDb, this alleged reality show is 100 percent real, is currrently in production and is set to air on A&E later this year! Those geniuses over at A&E...they really know what people want. Let's hope they mimic the style of Intervention and refuse to step in and put a stop to the action when stuff starts getting good—the Coreys smoking up and then getting in a naked fight would beat the Zapruder film in historical importance, if you ask me.

David Blaine, guy who does stuff for long periods of time
Remember when I blogged Blaine's live breath-holding stunt as it happened? Two hours of my life wasted, that I will never get back. I'm not sure who is more brain damaged: me or him. Well, OK, he may be edging me out—in November, he embarked on his latest absurd stunt, which was to spin around in a "gyroscope" for 16 hours and then free himself from the aparatus as it was moving. I'm not making this up. Part of me wishes I had more information on this ridiculousness, but another part of me would rather forget I ever mentioned the name "David Blaine" in this blog, so I'm just going to stick with that one and move on.

The Duggars, brood o' zealots
Don't remember the Duggars? I have two words for you: Wholesome Swimwear. Yes, the Duggars were the esteemed winners of the coveted Most Morbidly Fascinating Stupie for 2006 (shared, of course, with the Count). At last count, happy homeschooling parents Jim Bob and Michelle boasted a grand total of 16 rugrats, ranging in age from 17 to five months, and all of whom were featured in three sickly intriguing Discovery Health Channel specials. In one of the specials, they all loaded into the family shuttle bus (that's not sarcasm; their vehicle is a fucking shuttle bus) and set off for a psycho-Christian homeschooling conference, singing songs the whole way. Anyway, since winning the Stupie, the family has finished building their 7,000-square-foot compound BY HAND and moved in, presumably to get started on Duggartown. And, oh yeah, Michelle's pregnant...AGAIN. No joke.

Glen Benton, devil-loving, metalhead lusus naturae
From the godly Duggars we move on to the guy who burned an inverted cross into his forehead. You may recall that Glen was the recipient of the best threat letter ever, which was sent to him by a group of animal activists pissed off about his live-sacrifice posturing. Well, these days it's more of same. As you'll recall, Deicide released an album on 6-6-06 cagily titled "The Stench of Redemption", and they are currently touring off of that album in Europe. I have been unable to find any info on if the Animal Militia has been following Glen around on tour, making his life a living hell (which you would think he would enjoy), but I can only hope they haven't let up on their relentless smear campaign. There's nothing like driving a point home with abject, unrelenting violence; true boyfriends of Satan wouldn't have it any other way.

Jeanne Bice, nutjob "fashion" "designer"
I'm almost ashamed of myself for the amount of vitrol I poured out about this woman and her horrific Quacker Factory QVC clothing line. It doesn't feel good to hate that much, let me tell you. But just take one look at the frumpy tunics and novelty-print stretch pants and I'm sure you'll feel the same intense detestment as I. Unfortunately, Jeanne continues to foist her shitty clothing on the world, and recently hosted a Thanksgiving special from her fabulous Sunshine State home that I'm totally jealous of. And before you ask, yes, she's sadly still wearing stuffed, bejeweled headbands with matching velour muumuus and sturrup pants, which I'm sure are all very comfortable in the Florida heat. There's got to be a good Jeanne-ism in there: "When life gives you an intensely hot, sauna-like day, wear all the bedazzled velvet you want—'cause that's what us wild and crazy Quackers do!"

Lynx & Lamb Gaede, teen folk-singing neo-nazi twins
This write-up was actually one of my most popular posts (I got five emails!) and how could it not be? It's about teen folk-singing neo-nazi twins. Anyhoo, it's pretty much business as usual with these two—they continue to release their tone-deaf, rah-rah Hilter songs under the moniker Prussian Blue, and are even starring in some kind of documentary, which is being filmed now. I'm betting it will be a gritty "American History X" meets "A Mighty Wind" meets "Capturing the Friedmans" sleeper hit in the art theaters that will spur an avalanche of press coverage, incite activists and will lead the twins' creepy stage mom April to brag about how much publicity they are getting, even if it's negative. Interestingly enough, the Gaedes were chased out of California when word got out about Prussian Blue and concerned neighbors decided they didn't want the likes of these kooks in their neck of the woods; they have since relocated to Montana. Are the Freemen still operating up there? Seems like they would all be pretty good pals.

Matt Smith, pious ex-Real Worlder behind NoMoHo.com
Matt can usually be found smugly preaching about purity, pimping his shitty chastity belt buckles and/or trotting out suspicious data on connections between porn and crime. These days he is—wait for it—planning his wedding. Go ahead and barf. I hope the missus-to-be doesn't mind wearing a NoMoHo belt buckle until the big day to remind her to keep her knees pressed firmly together until Matt's pastor says it's OK. Wouldn't it be funny if Matt invited all of his Real World friends and they used the reception as an opportunity to get wasted and have a camera-whore hot tub orgy? Matt would be so shocked by all the action that he'll spend his wedding night facing the corner and trying to find a happy place.

All right, enough with the riff-raff and now for the two who miraculously didn't take out restraining orders on me in the last year. Eric Avery, musician extrordinare, has completed his solo album (YAY!) and has been keeping up with his blog and even responding to fan questions in his comments section! In case you're wondering, I haven't left a comment or question for him. If I do, it better be something good, you know what I'm saying? We'll see...maybe one of these days when I'm feeling like everything I say is cool...

And as for Ville Valo, the loveliest boy in Narnia, I'm pleased to report that his physique is no longer Haim-like in proportion. He's still looking a little scraggly and more than a little lost. Don't worry, Ville, you'll find your way. Fat or thin, you're still hotter than a mofo and I have high hopes you'll get it all together in '07.

I just realized that nearly all of these entries involve religion in one way or another. Is that a character flaw? And which circle of hell will all this relegate me to? I'm guessing I'm lined up for either five for all the wrath I've unleashed or two for making lewd comments. It will be interesting to see how things turn out, and that might be a good post for another time.

Anyway, happy new year and next post I promise won't have anything to do with the past.


Tanya said...

Hey RQ-

Don't fret about thinking of the coolest comment you can re Mr. Avery! :) Glad to hear someone outside of our little circle is so appreciative of all of it. ;)

Lola said...

Ville WILL make a comeback, if I have to drag him to the respiratory therapist, nutritionist, tanning salon, gym and dentist myself. Wow. He's going to cost me a LOT of money.
Bastard. I guess I'll have to take it out on his ass.....