The stars make my eyes burn

On Saturday, I will have officially been blogging for a whole year. Woo hoo! There's an excuse for Miller Time, if you need one. Honestly, I can't believe I've managed to stick with one project for this long, so I guess that means I'm officially awesome. I may just have Miller Time myself.

As for my first post of 2007, I thought I'd talk about heroes. Well, 180 that and make it non-heroes. I got the idea from this informative little article that counts down the worst role models of 2006, as elected in AOL and AP polls. Bet you can't guess who is in the top nine:

9. Angelina Jolie
8. Lohan
7. Federline
6. Nicole Ritchie
5. Michael Richards
4. Tom Cruise
3. Mel Gibson
2. Paris
1. Britney

I can't argue with most of the choices, as they are mostly pretty fucking obvious, and honestly hearing the names of these people over and over again is making me want to cut off the oxygen to my brain. But I'm a little surprised at seeing Angelina on the list after all of the do-goodership she's exercised this year, such as having a baby in a fourth-world country and standing with and smiling at world leaders. Certainly she doesn't belong on a list next to these other baby pea-brained dips who worry mainly about appearing poolside wearing the same bikini twice. I can't imagine Angelina leaving Maddox strapped in a car seat in the Bentley with a sippy cup full of Pepsi while she goes prancing around at Hyde with Kimberly Stewart. Or marrying Brad Pitt even though she's obviously into chicks. Or appearing on Monday Night Raw.

I think those that participated in this survey were given a list of celebrities to choose from. Had I done the survey, the list would have been quite different. Leaving out the serious candidates like the Bushes, Kim Jong-Il, O.J., anyone on the 10 most wanted list, etc., how about:

• Brad Renfro—Have you ever seen a super-talented, insanely attractive child actor fall so hard so fast? Watch "The Client" for a little refresher...he's magnetizing. Then he tried to steal a boat, but got caught because he couldn't get it untied from the dock. Then there were a few requisite drug arrests. But when he was busted buying heroin in the middle of the day in downtown Los Angeles, and got his picture on the front of the LA Times in handcuffs and what appears to be a Cub Scout uniform, looking like a 47-year-old Venice Beach burnout, I knew he was on the Eddie Furlong bus straight to the Leif Garrett Pier. He's even using the Corey Haim Toll Road because that way is faster.

• Bratz—Because it's such an awesome idea to miniaturize adult film stars, cut off their feet, create a skanky, sold-separately wardrobe for them and market them to children. And now there is an even better idea: Baby Bratz! Now the skanks are even smaller with bigger eyes and frostier hair. Maybe the FBI should keep an eye on the Bratz design team, as it seems it may be staffed entirely by on-the-lam paedos.

• Katie Holmes—I feel uncomfortable just looking at her. She just looks so intensely silent, as if her lips have been sewen together like a corpse being prepared for viewing. All I know is that I wouldn't want any kid of mine thinking it would be a great idea to marry a gay midget mental patient, primly walk two steps behind him at all times, robotically blather about how deleriously happy she is and chuckle demurely when he jokes about eating the placenta of her soon-to-be-born child.

• Brandon Davis—Picture fat Elvis sweating profusely on the toilet seconds before he has a massive heart attack and slides off the bowl onto the vomit-covered floor. Only this time he doesn't die. He simply lies there wheezing, with his bloated, sluglike body covered in persperation, hair gel and peanut-butter-and-pickle-sandwich crumbs. That's Brandon Davis.

• Tara Reid—The Jesus was only slightly gnarlier than this green-toed logjammer, who even now wouldn't qualify for the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers, as she may even do less than Paris Hilton. If the bad plastic surgery, chronic nip slips and perpetual beligerant drunkenness aren't enough, just watch this funtastic clip of her "counting" down to the new year. Warning: viewing this video may cause irreversible destruction to your own perfectly healthy and functioning brain cells.

• Pete Doherty—Because the classics never die.

To be fair, this survey also included questions on the most positive role models. This good guys list includes Oprah, Michael J. Fox, Clooney, Brad and Angelina (again), Bono, Sylvester Stallone (what?) and Bill O'Reilly (WHAT??). Again, pollsters just don't know what they are talking about. What about Dog the Bounty Hunter? Or Britney's sister for having to live with her? And where in the world is the Pixy?? These people need to get their priorities straight. A new year, new directions, folks. Get on it.