Abracadouchebag

Fucking David Blaine. Somebody needs to put a stop to this guy, stat, because he's got another stupid stunt up his sleeve, and I've had just about enough of it.

If you don't know who David Blaine is, count your blessings, as he is officially one of the most useless and annoying people in America. It's true. The National Center for Useless and Annoying People (NCUAP)'s offical logo is a picture of him. Anyway, this guy's deal is that he performs these asinine feats in an attempt to become a modern-day Houdini. But unlike the great escapes performed by the legendary magician, Blaine's stunts are not even really stunts—it's basically just him doing *things* for a long period of time. Like standing on a pole. Or laying in a box. Or sitting in ice. For a long period of time.

"So what?" you say. "Big deal! Who cares?" E-fucking-xactly.

Not only that, but he performs these superfluous feats with a smugly heightened sense of seriousness and importance. He "practices." He prepares. He broods. And he still finds time to wax his eyebrows. After performing a stunt in which he was "buried alive" in a plexiglass coffin in NYC, he pretentiously had this to say: "There were Chassidic Jews standing next to Muslim cabdrivers who were next to black kids. Businessmen in designer suits stood beside heavily pierced street kids. Every conceiveable social type was represented. I saw something truly incredible. I saw every race, every age-group, and every religion gathered together smiling, and that made everything worth it. I saw magic." Take that, Blackstone! Blaine solves the world's problems with his magic. What have YOU done lately? Nothing quite so monumental, I suppose.

Not surprisingly, few take David Blaine as seriously as he takes himself. When he encased himself in ice for 62 hours on a New York City street, Howard Stern sent the Wack Pack down to flip him off, flash him and generally shower him with the harrassment he so richly deserves. When he suspended himself in a glass box over the Thames in London for 44 days with only water to drink, the Brits pelted the box with anything they could get their hands on, flew hamburgers by him on a remote-controlled plane and held delicious-smelling barbeques under the box. The Brits—they are the best! They sure can take the piss out of anyone, can't they?

Anyway, Blaine is back with a brand new ridiculous stunt: he will float around for a week in a "human aquarium" at Lincoln Center. Allegedly he will stay under water the whole time, breathing through a straw and recieving nourishment through a feeding tube. What fun is that? It would have been better if the aquarium is also filled with sea creatures that he has to catch, kill with his bare hands and consume—now THAT'S enterainment. Or what if they introduced a new, deadly ocean beast into the tank every day? On the first day, a blue-ringed octopus. Next, a Portugese man-o-war. And for the grand finale, a sea wasp—the most dangerous creature in all the sea! Let's see him break the world's record for holding breath under water (which he plans to do his final day in the aquarium) with stinging tentacles, snapping piranha teeth and octopus ink all up in his face.

Unfortunately, it appears we will only be getting Blaine in all his glory, prancing about in his big, stupid aquarium, all satisfied with himself. Naturally, his big breath-holding extravaganza will be televised, and I for one will NOT be watching. I'm sure if something really good happens (like he gets the bends), it'll show up on the 'net somewhere.

For his next stunt, I'd like to see him go trick-for-trick against Doug Henning. Nobody can sit on a rainbow like Henning can. Nobody.