Really shitty movies that you simply must see

Things have been a little intense around here lately, so I thought I'd lighten the mood with another fun list. This time I'm counting down 10 movies that are really, really bad but totally worth a rental. You'll laugh your head off, but then you'll probably cry afterwards because even the cost of the rental is sometimes too much.

J-Lo, Ice Cube and Eric Stoltz are filming a movie about the elusive giant anaconda, but get lost in the jungle only to run into an inexplicably-accented Jon Voight who offers to help them catch the coveted creature. The absurdity includes Owen Wilson's face bulging through snakeskin, Voight strangling a chick with his thighs and a totally improbable J-Lo/Stoltz romance subplot. This movie is a must-see for one reason only: the snake pukes up Voight in what is my favorite stupid-funny scene of all time.

Marky-Mark jacks Reese Witherspoon off on a rollercoaster (the hill equals climax!) and then stalks and terrorizes her and her family in an attempt to make her his "4 eva." CSI's William Peterson plays the skeevy patriarch, and Alyssa Milano is the slutty friend.

Friends 'til The End
This is a TV movie that is sometimes shown on VH1's "Movies That Rock" and, boy, is this one worth a viewing. Shannen Doherty plays a sorority chick who is also the lead singer of her cute boyfriend's horrible band. She befriends the new girl at school who moves into the sorority house, horns in on the band and starts macking on Shannen's man. Take a drink every time Shannen says, "You're ruining my life!" But promise you won't drive afterwards.

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle
Hell hath no fury like a woman who wants a baby. I get the feeling the TomKat fetus may be in for something a bit like this.

Hard Target
Van Damme as a drifter with a heart of gold. Lance Hendrickson as a hunter of human prey. Wilford Brimley as Van Damme's moonshine-swilling Cajun uncle. "Careless is what you are, Randall. Careless and stupid and now you're sorry, too."

Jessica Lange gets all Shante Kimes with her son when he knocks up and weds Scarecrow Paltrow. See, she's the headmistress of a lucrative horse farm and doesn't want anyone's hands on her son's share...or her son, for that matter. If you saw this movie without knowing anything about Gwynnie and I told you she would go on to win an Oscar, you'd totally laugh in my face. And then you'd throw up.

Motel Hell
There's something strange about Farmer Vincent's fritters, which he sells at a roadside stand outside a little no-tell motel just off the freeway. Bet you can't guess what it is! This movie is meant to be a parody of slasher flicks, but it's stupid-fun all the same.

Reefer Madness
It takes over the minds of teens after just one shocking puff! It leads otherwise good citizens to go on shocking, uncontrollable murderous rampages! It makes the most mild-mannered of people drooling, drug-crazed "undesireables" with only one shocking thing on their minds—another score! It's that most dangerous, destructive, violent and shocking of drugs...POT! Unintentially hilarious scenes include a girl in the midst of a pot-induced freakout jumping out a window and a guy who smokes a doob and starts...playing the piano. But shockingly fast.

Need I say more? It's one of the best dumb movies ever. Added bonus fun: watch the pool scene on fast-advance. She's got heat, all right—the heat of an outboard motor.

Someone is sending abusive Valentine cards to snooty chicks and then wacking them in the worst of ways. Their offenses? They all spurned the advances of a nerdy classmate years earlier. Denise Richards is the bitchy one (named "Paige Prescott" no less), Kate Capshaw is the rich one, Angel is the sensitive hunky one, Marley Shelton is the perky good one, and the guy who played Matt on "90210" is the asshole. Rent this on V-Day and share it with someone you'd love to kill.

1 comment:

Lola said...

I LOVE "Motel Hell", and although I try not to, I always watch "Anaconda" when it's on. I mean, our boyfriend Ice Cube is in it, so we have to represent, ya know? But you forgot one of the best worst movies ever: "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger", starring Tori Spelling. Awesomely assified.