The best threat ever

Hurry up and tie off: it's the extreme metal fix you've been waiting for. Chop chop! This is a good one.

Today we are dealing with a man that is so hardcore anti-Christian that he has BURNED A FUCKING INVERTED CROSS INTO HIS FOREHEAD. Not many would fuck with a hater of this magnitude, but one dedicated group has succeeded in being a thorn in this guy's side for years.

But first let's meet your new boyfriend. This is a super-hot pic of Glen Benton, lead singer and bass player of the Florida death metal group Deicide (that's "god-killing" for those of you who think Latin is dead). Glen has served as a counterpoint talking head on Christian talk radio shows and once proclaimed that in order to live a life opposite of Jesus Christ he would commit suicide at age 33. He didn't, and went on to create such sing-along hits as "Bible Basher" and "Confessional Rape." He's also a big proponent of animal sacrifice and once said in an interview: "I partake in fuckin' what I would fuckin' consider fuckin' ceremonies, I don't fuckin'—I'm completely against god." Hmm. Confusing. I'm not entirely clear on his beliefs, so let's move on.

This is where the Animal Militia comes in. This European organization makes PETA look like lightweights; they claim to stop at nothing to save animals, including fighting to the (human) death. After sending terroristic letters, menacing concertgoers and generally making life miserable for Glen Benton, they showed their dedication to the cause by exploding a protest bomb at a Deicide concert in Stockholm, Sweden. They also write the very best threats ever, including this one that I plagerized from "Lords of Chaos". Observe:

Re: Deicide
Stockholm was just a taste of what is to come.
Benton is living his schoolboy fantasy but this is real life—wise up!
He's paranoid about Christians following him, Benton, there is NO god, there is NO satan,
as you are about to discover, the hard way.
You amuse us with your 'Ramboesque' threats of violence, and 'model boy' posing next to
inverted crosses, how dangerous, how desperate.
You are the irritating piece of shit we must scrape off the sole of the world's shoe.
You are the man in the spotlight, we are the invisible, we have our contacts and
we can be whoever we choose to be. The passenger at the airport, the van on the
roadway, room service at the hotel, the fan at the gig, or the security!
This city is ruled by the gun—anything's possible.
Benton, the venues and the press have all been warned, if innocent people suffer their
blood will be on the hands of the people behind the gigs, WE will not be held responsible.
Hell, this is going to be our easiest target to date, our only regret is that
Benton won't suffer enough, we'll try our best!
Wednesday 16th December at a venue we know inside out, this is going to be armageddon.
This is the final warning, shit, if Salman Rushdie had Bentons brain he would have
been dead years ago.
We thank you for your time

Awesome. My favorite part is the reference to Glen's ridiculous "scary" photo ops in descecrated cemeteries. While I love the incessent poking they've plagued Glenny with, I don't understand why they felt the need to thank him for his time at the end of the letter. Don't thank him—bombs away! Glen needs knocked down a few notches, and this is your opportunity to come up with some creative dogging. How about filling the tour bus with gnats and fleas? Or hiding a hive full of pissed-off bees inside the kick drum? Or releasing a pack of rabid wolves lose on him during a stage show? I bet the crowd would love that.

Deicide's new album, cleverly titled "The Stench of Redemption", is due out 6/6/06—get it? Now that took some planning. I'll bet they finished this album five years ago, but sat on it just so they could release it on 666. I wonder how many death and black metal albums will release that day? Guess I know what I will be posting about on June 6. Sorry, life, I can't come and get you just yet.

On a related note, it seems that I have spilled something on my copy of "Lords of Chaos," as some of the pages are all mucked up. Luckily it doesn't seem to be beer, so I think this edition can be salvaged.

On a non-related note (except for the part about having no life), should it worry me that I'm really looking forward to the premire of "King of Cars" tonight on A&E? God, I need help.

1 comment:

Lola said...

What a freak, dude.
"Wednesday 16th December at a venue we know inside out, this is going to be armageddon"
I'm busy that night...damn!