Happy birthday, Eric A.!

The dirty little secret

The weather is finally nice here in Cowtown, and that means one thing: Mormons. They're always lowering around in pairs, wearing short-sleeved white button-downs, skinny black ties and bicycle helmets. I wondered where they were coming from and it turns out there's not one, but TWO LDS churches within a 10-mile radius of my residence. And there's a whole lotta ungodly fuckery going on in this neighborhood, let me tell you. So they're double-timing the door-to-door. WTF, LDS? I'm sick of ignoring them when they knock on my door and shoving the tract under the door back out at them. So I'm going to make fun of them on my evil heathen blog.

This loosely (pun intended) ties in with a creepy phenomenon I recently became privy to: Secret Keeper Girl. What is Secret Keeper Girl, you ask? You're going to regret that question!

Secret Keeper Girl is a series of books, but it's also kind of an organization. It was created by a woman named Dannah Gresh, author of such feminist classics as And the Bride Wore White and Lies Young Women Believe. Would you like to know what these books are about? Regret number two! Well, Bride is chock full of "how-to-say-no skills that can reduce the risk of a young woman's heart being broken" and Lies preaches the message that sex, drugs and rock n' roll iz badz.

Which brings us to the big secret that Secret Keeper Girls wants you to keep. Just take a wild guess what it is. That's right: vag. Well, they call it "purity," but they really mean vag. Girls, a broken heart is the least of your worries...

On her website, Dannah reveals that she didn't keep her pants on when she was in high school and a radio sermon from (of all people) James Dobson reduced her to tears and spurred her to confess: "It took me three hours to tell my husband in the darkness of my bedroom. Satan had me cornered into a prison of blackmail until the very moment that my lips uttered a long-awaited confession."

Gee, Dannah, dramatic much? Christ, it's not like she killed someone, ate their brain and made jewelry out of pieces of their skull, like some people we know. OR DID SHE? Anyway, Dannah somehow found the strength to overcome her sordid past and now coaches moms on how to guilt their daughters into keeping it closed.

Dannah's website is enticing with its hot pink, orange and green color pallette, flowery flourishes and girly fonts. It looks very Hannah Montana... that's the show that stars that little hobag Miley Cyrus! Stop confusing me, Secret Keeper Girls!

SKG puts a big emphasis on modesty and dressing age-appropriately, which is something even I can actually get behind. However, I can't get behind the site's Truth or Bare section, which gives girls helpful "modesty tests" to help them tell if their outfits are too skanky. Let's try it! To find out if you're showing too much tummy, do the Raise & Praise! "Stand straight up and pretend you are going for it in worship, and extend your arms in the air to God. Is this exposing a lot of belly? Bellies are very intoxicating, and we need to save that for our husband!" Drunk off belly...that's a new one to me. And what exactly are you supposed to be "going for" in worship? Sounds a little sexy to me...but then again, I'm tainted by rock n' roll and the media so everything sounds dirty to my Satanic ears.

Now, if you think that last test was bad, check out the one known cryptically as "Grandpa's Mirror": "Get in front of a full-length mirror. If you are in shorts, sit Indian style. If you are in a skirt, sit on a chair with your legs crossed. Now, what do you see in that mirror? OK, pretend it is your Grandpa! If you see undies, or lots of thigh, your shorts or skirt is too short." Um, GROSS? How about if Grandpa is staring at your crotch, call the police? Or Chris Hansen.

Like I said, I don't think the message of dressing age-appropriately is bad at all, but why does it have to be tied up in all this good/bad, virgin/whore shit? And why is it always up to the girls to keep people from looking at them? Are boys being forced to make creepy purity pledges to god and pretend their mirrors are Grandpa? Of course not! Boys are rabid, hormone-charged beastmasters. Look alive, girls! You're surrounded by randy wieners! Don't let anyone get intoxicated by your belly! You might get your heart broken! Or AIDS! (Oh, wait, only gay people get that!) Worst of all, you might get a Bad Reputation! And you might find yourself one day crying over James Dobson sermons and making a heart-wrenching confession to your hubby in a dark bedroom. And it will all be because you couldn't keep one measly little secret...

Hey, speaking of randy wieners, I wonder what happened to my favorite website NoMoHo? It's gone! I refuse to believe they couldn't sell enough NoMoHo chastity belt buckles to keep the site in business. Because chastity belts are so popular! In fact, Lauren Conrad is coming out with a line of them, exclusively at Kohl's.

Once again, I've written an entire post with no real point, other than to make fun. If sarcasm was a sin, I believe Satan himself would hand the pitchfork over to me when I die.

It did make me feel a little better about the return of the Mormons...

That's called survival, baby!

Schroeder: What's the matter with you? All you think about is "gimme, gimme, gimme; get, get, get"!
Lucy: That's called survival, baby!

Best quote ever from a children's cartoon!

Why isn't It's the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown shown on TV anymore? That show was fucking great! Marcie tries to toast eggs, Sally tries to walk in pink clogs and Snoopy has a psychedelic vision of dancing bunnies.

My personal favorite scene was when Snoopy got a peek inside Woodstock's birdhouse and discovered that he had the place all pimped out super-'70s style, complete with op-art furniture, a stereo with giant headphones and jazzy Playboy Club-style music. Sort of like when Greg Brady went all hippie and turned Mike's den into a groovy crash pad. Anyway, Snoopy gets jealous and tries to then get into the love den and, of course, destroys it. Whoever wrote the acid trip script for this show was a brilliant genius. If you want to see this scene, click here and go to about 6:30. Awesome.

Anyhoo, I'm cooking up some super-fun posts, so keep an eye out. We really need to discuss this Jesse James situation.

More to the Corey story

In light of The Haimster's death, lots of interesting stories about his love life are starting to trickle out. Did you ever really want to know about this? Trust me, it's fucking fascinating!

First, Jezebel scored an interview with Lala Zappa (is her name really Lala Sloatman? I always thought it was Zappa), the girl 13-year-old Rockit never met, but used to hate because she dated Corey. She even mentions Alphie's Soda Pop Club in the interview. God, my little friends and I used to dream about hanging out at that place with all the cool kids like Andre Gower from The Monster Squad and Nicole Eggart and that other girl from Charles In Charge. The interview is a real eye-opener, as it turns out Lala was really, really insecure during that time period. Stars: they're just like us!

Next: did you know Corey dated Victoria "Posh" Beckham before she was in the Spice Girls?? How did that happen?? And she apparently cheated on him with someone who wasn't Becks.

Last and perhaps of most interest to regular S&C readers: Corey was most recently dating none other than Daisy "Alexis Arquette" De La Hoya from our favorite show Rock of Love!! Apparently, the two were introduced by Feldman and had recently had their first date at the Playboy mansion. Yesterday, she Tweeted: "I'm sooooooo devastated right now. This is the worst day ever I can't believe this." She also wrote, "Why do I always fall for the lost soul? We could of been lost together, now your lost forever.... Ill miss you."

See? Fascinating! The secret side of Corey Haim...one we didn't see in his legendary fan video Me, Myself & I.

Good night, Haimster

Today is a sad day. Poor Corey!

Jezebel put together this very nice and nostalgic teen dream scrapbook of Corey's most memorable roles (I can't believe they left out Roomies, which has the best, most cheestastic theme song ever, but whatever). I still bawl every time he fucks up the football game in Lucas.

What is going on in Hollywood? Brittany Murphy, Andrew "Boner" Koening and now Corey? I find it interesting that both Brittany and Corey were experiencing "flu-like symptoms" right before they died. What does it all mean?

No matter what it means, I know spent a good part of the day feeling bad about making fun of him several times on this very blog. I remember getting just about every super centerfold issue of Bop, Teen Beat and The Big Bopper (they had the BIG posters) to decorate my room with Corey and watching The Lost Boys and License To Drive until I had them entirely memorized. And I hated Alyssa Milano and Lala Zappa because they both dated Corey. A little piece of my junior high world is now gone.

Here's to you, Corey Haim. RIP

Sleep with dogs, rise with fleas

Before I start today's rant I have to mention that I got a most interesting and vexing comment in my inbox, and now I wish I hadn't deleted it. I'm 95% positive it was spam. But it looked like a one-paragraph excerpt from a dirty story! It didn't look like spam: the spelling was good, there were no dubious-looking links, it didn't blatantly solicit anything... but what else could it be? Are they going to send me a few installments, get me hooked and then reel me into to some kind of Nigerian bank account scam? If anyone has seen something like this, please let me know. Not that I wanted to know what happened, or anything...*ahem.*

Now, on to today's fuckery.

The tranquilizers have worn off over at GOOP, because our old pal Gwynnie is at it again. This week's post is about Sleep: How to do it and how not to deprive yourself of it. Apparently, "lie down and close your eyes" isn't enough. And something tells me Ms. Holistic frowns on taking Ambien (or tranqs) when you need a little help.

The post kicks off right away with the pretensiousness: "Basically everyone I know is knackered, me included." OK, we get it: you live in England. I hate it when people who are not British say things like "whilst" and "knickers" in order to sound smart and worldly. And we all know Paltrow won't let us forget for a second that she's as well-bred as a Triple Crown champ.

This post was inspired by a book Gwynnie recently read about how sleep deprivation makes you look older and causes hormonal imbalances. So us serfs can benefit from her infinite wisdom and high-powered connections, she consults "one of" her doctors about why getting a good night's rest is great. Evidently, sleep is as essential for health as a good diet and exercise. Dammit! When is sitting on the couch all night, eating Doritos Collisons and watching Celebrity Rehab reruns going to be essential to good health? GOOP always ruins everything!

Speaking of ruining everything, wait until you hear some of this wacky advice. First, the good doctor names some of the hinderances to a good night's sleep, including "Stimulants or substances that can affect sleep (alcohol [Boo!—Ed.], caffeine, medications, recreational drugs [BOO!—Ed.] herbs, and even some vitamins.) Wait a minute...what was that last part? Herbs? VITAMINS? Gwynnie's world view might turn upside down. And for the love of Deepak Chopra, don't tell Suzanne Somers!

Doc also offers some helpful tips on proper snoozing, including this:

Close your office door, or find a quiet spot somewhere and get comfortable. Take 5 minute breaks throughout your day to focus on your breath. If that’s challenging, then focus on your feet and then your hands. Feel them for a few minutes; become aware of them. This will calm you down. Quieting and slowing your mind calms the body, which is the perfect antidote to the over-stressed state we are often in.

So he just assumes that everyone has an office door. News flash: cubicles don't have doors. Or walls. Does this guy honestly think that the average working stiff is going to be able to do this? Let's be realistic: anyone with five minutes on their hands is going to race outside for a smoke break.

Even worse, he recommends cutting out caffiene COMPLETELY. Is he trying to kill us??

Now here's where it really starts getting fishy. He next says we should "Go for it!" on an elimination diet. That means cutting out things like sugar and processed foods, plus eliminating dairy and gluten products—there goes the Doritos Collisions. Next, he wants you turn off the TV, computer and video games by 10 p.m., dim the lights and take a warm bath. 10 p.m.?? That's when the really good bars open!

Well, Doctor Death doesn't care about that, because according to him, we're not supposed to use alcohol or sleeping pills to help us fall asleep. This would prevent me from my usual nightly routine of acting out scenes from Valley of the Dolls. "My beautiful little dolls! Just one...and one more." I think it's going to be a Neely night!

Next Gwyneth's doctor recommends...oh, just take a guess. That's right: HERBS! Didn't he just say we weren't supposed to take herbs? I'm so confused! He signs the posting with "one love." This made me curious, so I looked this guy up. SURPRISE! His calls himself a "health evangelist" and his practice is all about "alternatives"—detoxes, acupuncture, chiropractic, supplements and so on. His site actually says, "Although we try to avoid Pharmaceuticals, we do prescribe them when necessary." I love how actual, scientific, FDA-approved medicine is the last resort. If that's the last possible thing that works, shouldn't you do that first? Call me crazy! Also, if this guy and his methods are so great, why wouldn't he be Gwynnie's only doctor? Things that make you go hmmmm....

The entry also includes some recommendations for good bedding. Of course, it's all hellishly expensive and high-end. Hungarian goose down (what makes Hungarian geese better than, say, Czech geese?), high-thread-count cotton sheets, ironed linens...who has the time or money for all this?

I want to know who GOOP's target audience is, because every time I read this newsletter, I feel like I just accidentally walked in to some secret meeting, and the attendants all turn to stare, judging me silently. Then after I slink out, they'd hurmph about having to be within several feet of a commoner.

Now I'm all wound up. I'll never get to sleep. Thanks for nothing, Gwyneth Paltrow! I still don't know what "knackered" means. Where did I put those dolls...

Another reason to not fuck with Norway

They'll put on skin diving suits and chase you down the street with tridents. I don't blame them. Google Street View is creepy.

Norwegian men in scuba gear give chase to Google Street View Car
Sorry to bust your bubble you Berlin Google pranksters, but a couple of guys from Norway just pulled off the best Google “Street View” prank yet. Seems two unidentified gentleman had heard a Google camera car was in the neighborhood, so they decided to dress as scuba divers and laid (or rather sat) in wait for the unsuspecting car.

As soon as the Google vehicle passed by, the two men sprang into action. They both leapt from their respective lawn chairs and gave chase as best they could behind the “Street View” car as it traveled down the road with one of the men brandishing a fishing fork. Fortunately for Google, since both the men were wearing diving flippers at the time, the pursuit did not last very long. All the while, however, the Google cameras snapped away at the bizarre chase taking place.

Now it seems no one is exactly sure how these Norwegian men caught wind that there was a Google “Street View” car in their town. What is known, though, is that Google apparently did not mind the funny scene as they posted the photos on Google Maps. Just go to “Street View” level to see the pair on the side of the road and then continue down the street to see them give chase.

So you mean to tell me they weren't scooped up by an air tanker and dumped on a forest (or in this case, stave church) fire? Ha ha, just kidding—you can actually see the lawn chairs on the right side of the picture. It looks like they also have an umbrella and a newspaper, so they must have been there for a while. How long did they wait? What ran through the minds of passersby? And who are these masked and flippered men? I'm going to pretend that it's Abbath and Horgh from Immortal. Bergen, Norway, could use a little injection of humor now that the Count is walking among them once again.

On a side note, I'm disturbed that it appears to be SUNNY in this picture. So that means The Grim and Frostbitten Kingdom has sunshine and no snow, while Cowtown marinates in a vomitous muck of icy sludge.

Rest in peace, Lee

Isabella and the Squid

Ever wonder about the sex life of a bee, an anchovy or a barnacle? Love Isabella Rossellini? Well, I'm about to make your day.

Isabella is the star of a hilarious—and educational—Sundance Channel series Green Porno. Just try not to fall in love with this. My fave, of course, is the squid.

Random observation

Remember the old "We Are The World" video? And how the camera panned over the stars as they sang and all of a sudden you saw Dan Aykroyd with headphones on singing, too? And you thought, "What the F is Dan Aykroyd doing there?"











Did you see the photos from the recording session of the new version of "We Are the World?"



Vaughn: The New Aykroyd.

Neo-nazis need love, too

Much like herpes simplex, some of our old friends from posts past have a knack of just popping up unexpectedly. Count Grishnackh does this quite a bit, as does Suzanne Somers. Now we can add the Gaedes to that list.

If you've forgotten (and how the hell could you?), the Gaedes are a family that consists of twins Lynx and Lamb—also known as national socialist folk-pop duo Prussian Blue—and their mom April, who is sort of like a Dina Lohan-style stage parent, momager type. Who totally loves Hitler. In fact, the Gaedes love Hitler so much, they make Hitler snowmen (see Exhibit A, pictured left).

It's been a while since I blogged about this outfit. But it wasn't too long ago that I blogged about a Prussian Blue copycat group and wondered whatever happened to the original Olsen twins of the Third Reich, Lynx and Lamb. Still no word on that front, but a fun little piece of news did come out today that involves Mom April.

The hate group watchdogs at the Southern Poverty Law Center report that April Gaede has undertaken a new venture: neo-nazi matchmaking. That's right. April's now using her "connections" to hook white people up to breed more white people. “I am willing to act as a go between, researcher, matchmaker, older sister and guide for any WNs [white nationalists] who are looking for a WN spouse,” the Center quotes her as writing on a white power website. “Only email me if you are serious about finding a spouse or long term partner.”

You had me at sieg heil, April.

Just kidding. I wouldn't qualify anyway. My uncle sent a cheek swab to National Geographic and found out the Rockit family ancestors came from Northern Africa. Dirty! Tainted! Just like everybody in the whole history of the fucking world.

You may ask what qualifies April to be a matchmaker. Well, she's married, for one thing. And she likes to boast about how awesome her relationship with her husband is. “I was 37 with two children when my husband Mark and I met,” she wrote. “In any other circumstances we might have been an unlikely pair, a city boy who plays hockey and a country girl who trained horses. But because of our ideological similarities and our mutual concern about the future of our race we have much more in common than the average couple today.”

Those crazy kids! Who says opposites don't attract? Maybe they should make one of those cringeworthy how-we-met commercials like eHarmony does to promote April's matchmaking business. They could also film spots featuring successful matches. "I didn't want anyone to know I was having another racist find a white partner for me," an attractive but non-threatening blonde could say. "April matched us on 28 levels of deep Aryan compatibility." Come to think of it, eAryan would be a great name for the service! Or eWhitey. Even better!

Anyway, not all has been wine, roses and combat boots in April's love life. She and her first husband, the twins' father, bitterly divorced and her ex cited April's racist lunacy in an attempt to get custody of Lynx and Lamb. She says that her only regret of the whole ugly affair was that she didn't produce “four to six more children with that ideal eugenic quality that [Lynx and Lamb] possess.” Holy schnikes. This chick is hardcore!

It also turns out she has a real knack for hooking people up. Wait until you hear this:

April has a long and sordid history of micromanagement when it comes to the twins' "band." It all started when she recruited a very special songwriter to come up with some tunes for her then-preteen girls to sing: David Lane, an elderly former Aryan Nation leader serving a 190-year sentence for murdering a Jewish radio show host. He apparently was the model for Stacy Keach's character in American History X. Yes, Davey is a real Renaissance man.

Anyway, when Davey died, April evidently appointed herself micromanager of his funeral arrangements, too. She had Lane's body shipped from a prison in Indiana to her home in Montana and interred his cremated remains into 14 miniature pyramids. The SPLC reports in their article that the pyramids were supposed to be given to 14 different women, but a big fight broke out over the whole thing. Gee, how surprising that they all couldn't just deal with it in a calm and rational manner.

Maybe I'm naive but this thing with the body and the remains and the pyramids is just over-the-top bizarre, and that's saying a lot for this bunch. It's worth reading some of the other stories on the SPLC's site about April. As you're reading, imagine her as one of those wild-eyed pageant moms that pantomime routine steps along with their makeup-soaked toddlers. Among her repertoire of antics, she likes to angrily confront store clerks in checkout lines with wild accusations of pandering to minorities and shake them up to the point that they forget to ring up one of her items. She claims to always walk out of K-Mart or Ikea with something free and says it's the store's problem, not hers. And you thought your parents were embarrassing.

Plus the SPLC has a way with words. They refer to Prussian Blue's songs as "shrill odes," which I'm totally stealing.

They also mention that there exists a documentary about the Gaedes called Nazi Pop Twins. It sounds like a real winner even beyond the title, so stay tuned for an S&C skewing (if I can manage to get my hands on it).

Anyway, that's the latest from this koo-koo krazy little korner of the universe. Now you'll be able to sleep at night. Sweet dreams!

Who's helping and who's hurting in Haiti?

Here's who's helping: Cooper.



Here's who's hurting: Travolta.

If you want to be a Cooper, please give to the Red Cross. It's nonsecular and $cientology-free. Fuck Travolta.

Twit fight! Twit fight!

I'm totally embarrassed that I even know about this, but deliciously evil gossip blogger Perez Hilton and professional whore Tila Tequila got in a Twitter fight today and I found it totally hilarious for some reason. See, Perez (probably correctly) assumes that Tila is using the recent death of Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson to further her whoredom. Tila, of course, is completely offended that anyone would insinuate such a thing. But she's a whore. So you decide.

Anyway, it really evolves into a fun little third-grade slappy fight complete with project promotion and masturbation denial. Lick it up:

Perez: I'm amazed you're not broadcasting live, showing us you're "grieving"! That's totally something trash like you would do!

Tila: have some decency! You love poking fun at people who have passed away dont you? First Mocking MJ's Death & now My FIance's?

Perez: Tweet away, honey. The more you Tweet, the more your true colors reveal themselves. And they are vile! You should try and get custody of her daughter. That'd be GREAT publicity, all you crave in life!

Tila: Actually Casey & I were going to do that next. That was my Wife's wish was for me to adopt ava. Ur jus jealous nobody loves u.

Perez: OF COURSE that's what she wanted! Suuuure! Why would anyone believe YOU???? You are a PATHOLOGICAL LIAR!

Tila: Lonely @perezhilton Cant find anyone else to pick on so now he thinks he can pick on me cuz I'm in a vulnerable state with my wife passing

Perez: And I DO have decency. That's why I will NEVER mention you on my site again. I care too much about my readers!

Tila: Truly a sad individual @perezhilton first u Mock the death of Michael Jackson and now this? U seriously need God. Wait. God Rejected you.

Perez: Go back to grieving and exploiting her death. You're great at being soulless!

Tila: oh after watching your bitch crying snot throwing video about how my friend @Iamrealwill punched U..it was 2 embarassing!

Perez: SEE! You do my job for me! Using her death to publicize yourself and your projects. Applause! Thanks for proving me right!!!!

Tila: Everyone just forget about @perezhilton he's lonely and bored so decided to pick on me at a time when I an mourning my Fiance. Good Job Pig! oh please. Stop lying to people pussy prezz! U say u stopped posting about me years ago. Then u delete it then u post again. U act as though I want my name on your website? Oh honey please get a grip. Nobody gives 2 shits. Especially me about ur site.

Perez: Keep on at it, girl! Go! Go! Go! You're digging your own hole!

Tila: Keep talking all that non-sense piggy prez @perezhilton but just admit the truth & that is you're now threatened by my new Gossip Blog.

Perez: Yup, that's the truth! You're a fucking genius! Ha ha ha ha

Tila: what does my deceased fiance have to do with you and your lonely life? Im lonely cuz my fiance passed away. What's ur excuse?

Perez: Bitch, please. I see right through you. You are paper thin! P.S. You're a shitty actress! You gotta learn to fake it better!

Tila: oh wait. U have no life. No one to love you. Never got engaged, wished u were a woman but in ur words #epicfail move along now.

Perez: I have the love of my mom and my sister. True love! Something you obviously know nothing about.

Tila: see? @perezhilton tries 2 start shit w/anybody when he's lonely. He lies 2 his readers pretending to hate celebs but in real life kisses ass

Perez: If my mom died, I wouldn't be granting repeated interviews about it! I wouldn't be Tweeting repeatedly about my grieving!

Tila: But we all know that about him by now, so his website is no longer credible. It was cool like 6 years ago but now its all washed up w/lies.

Perez: This is not about Casey Johnson. This is about YOU and how disgusting you are! And how ur using her death for ur gain! Gross!! And if somebody I cared about died, I wouldn't be fighting with anyone on Twitter!!!!!!!!! You are your own worst enemy. That's why YOU'RE new website is gonna be awesome! Woo hoo! Publicize that new website girl! Kill Casey again! That new blog is gonna be awesome! Too bad Casey didn't die after you launched it, right? That timing would have been great!

Tila: On my new Gossip Blog, u get EXCLUSIVE MATERIAL & I won't lie to my readers like @perezhilton does. Never. My Gossip site will shit on his!

Perez: If Casey Johnson could come back from the dead, she'd come and fucking kill you for how you've been behaving! #YouAreWack

Tila: keep my Fiance's name out of your foul mouth U piece of trash! Have some respect! Casey hated your fatass! So shut the fuck up

Perez: You are so blind! This is not about me. This is about YOU! This is about how vile you are and your actions recently. You lose!

Tila: its about me? I thought you said you didn't care about me or mention me? Why are u all up in my business then? Hmm stalker much

Perez: Guess you're done "mourning" your wife! Now go back to showing your titties and pulling tampons out of your coochie!

Tila: Another lie from @perezhilton claiming he doesn't care about me cuz I'm a "nobody" yet he is constantly stalking my life & everything I do!

Perez: Look up the word "constantly" in the dictionary, you imbecile. You clearly don't understand it's meaning. You may always wanna look up the word imbecile, as you probably don't know what that one means either. Violence is never the answer, but I hope one day @Rihanna gives you what you have coming!

Tila: hey u better be careful who u talkin to. You're SO LAST YEAR! Just be careful cuz I got all of my paparazzi's on LOCK!

Perez: Bitch, I'm not scared of you. You are a JOKE! And the paparazzi can suck your cock! You're like the boy who cried wolf! Remember how you told everyone you were pregnant and then said you were joking?

Tila: First of all I never pulled no damn tampon out nor masturbated..those were YOUR LYING WORDS once again. Get a life! and yes I do remember saying I was pregnant. I dont recall how I lied about that? Just cuz I wouldn't tell ur fatass wut hppnd?

Perez: You are a PATHOLOGICAL liar! You will do ANYTHING for publicity! You have no soul! Go back to your fake grieving now!

Tila: You must REALLY be obsessed with me 2 go on and on and on about me this early morning. For someone who doesnt care, u really do

Perez: I'm done with you. Buh bye! xoxo

Tila: So sad @perezhilton is angry that my new Gossip Blog is going to put him out of business so he decides to throw a hissy fit this morning LOL

You know, I was totally against Twitter at first. I mean, who cares that Joe Blow is making dinner or taking a shit? But I didn't even consider the crazy celeb fights that would erupt! Maybe I should keep an eye on Blohan's account...

HNY 2010, bitches!

13 biggest douchebags of 2009

Ah, the year-end list. If it isn't reduced to list format, it didn't happen in the last 12 months. Today, we're covering the biggest morons of 2009. It's hard to narrow it down...and it's also hard to not feel like I'm not helping to make folk heroes out of jerks. There's no such thing as bad publicity? Probably true. But I still wouldn't want the whole world to hate me.

13. John Mayer
If I used John Mayer's music as a guide, I'd probably view him along the lines of a James Blunt/Chris Martin-style purveyor of mush pablum. But I also know from the tabs that he's a manwhore who thinks Jennifer Aniston is the classiest broad on the face of the earth, and I know from Twitter that he thinks he's fucking hilarious. He posted "ad Tweets" on his account as some kind of brilliant social experiment. For example, one said "Guys, I just had an amazing soup by Campbell's, Steak and Potato. See all of the great varieties of hearty soups." Don't get this guy in a prank war with Kutcher...the Twitterverse might blow up.

12. Kanye West
WHY CAN'T THE PUBLIC LEAVE KANYE ALONE?????? C'MON...WHO AMONG US WOULDN'T LOVE TO GUZZLE A BOTTLE OF HENNESSY AND INTERRUPT A GOODY-GOODY POPSTRESS TO SING THE PRAISES OF BEYONCE?????? ROCKITQUEEN WOULD LOVE TO DO THAT!!!!! ROCKITQUEEN ALSO LOVES TO SPEAK IN THE THIRD PERSON AND TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND OVERUSE PUNCTUATION!!!!! WHY CAN'T Y'ALL JUST LET ROCKITQUEEN BE GREAT?????? OH WAIT, THIS IS ABOUT KANYE!!!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH, KANYE!!!!

11. Gwynnie
Because we can't have a list of douches without mentioning our old friend Wet Spinach, although I think someone over at GOOP shot her up with tranqs because the newsletter has been relatively tame of late.

10. Dov Charney
I really want to like this guy because he employs American Apparel clothing constructors at a decent, livable wage, provides good benefits and makes all the clothes in the U.S. However, his epic skeevery outshines any good deeds this clothing mogul has done. It's hard to decide what's worse: his crimes against his employees (he has countless sexual harassment suits against him and regularly fires workers he finds unattractive) or his crimes against fashion. This is the guy who tries to push gold spandex unitards, scrunchies and neon green disco shorts paired with legwarmers as hot looks. TODAY. Not in an Olivia Newton John video. Unacceptable on all counts.

9. Carrie Prejean
Carrie identifies herself as a godly person, talking the talk with the most pious of them. But when it comes to walking the walk, well, just take a look at the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Ted Haggard and 99.9% of Republicans to see where this is headed. It's not that she came out of the closet as a dissenter of same-sex marriage at the Miss Universe pageant—she's entitled to her opinion. But poor little Care-care believes she's being discriminated against for being conservative...because people disagree with her. And then it then all comes pouring out that not only did the pageant pay for her boob job, but she also made some naughty little solo fuck tapes for the benefit of her boyfriend. And she says Larry King is inappropriate...

8. Kirk Cameron/Ray Comfort (tie)
You may remember Kirk as Mike Seaver, best friend to Eddie and Boner on the '80s supersitcom Growing Pains. Or you may remember him as one of the most popular poster boys in such literary journals as Bop, The Big Bopper and Tiger Beat around 1986-87. And if you have no life (like me) you may also remember him switching bodies with Dudley Moore in the oft-forgotten teen classic Like Father, Like Son (also starring a post-Goonies, pre-Rudy Sean Astin as "Trigger"). And if you really have no life (like me), you may remember him in the horrible kid-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks-joins-snobby-college-debate-team romance Listen to Me, opposite Jami Gertz. You may also know that Kirk has gone on to become a smug psycho Christian. He and his protheliser-in-crime Ray Comfort recently visited college campuses to hand out copies of Darwin's Origin of Species with their own little intro about how Darwin was a nazi and, actually, goddidit. Let's see: brilliant naturalist with years of tireless research under his belt or star of the WB's Kirk!...who should we listen to? Here's a hint: it's not the one who calls a banana the "athiest's nightmare."

7. Kate Gosselin
Kate reminds me of my bipolar ex-boss. Big shudder. They're both obsessive-compulsive, have weird haircuts, fight incessantly with their lazy husbands, and have prissy, stupid faces. But Kate and her family have somehow become (in)famous, which means we have to hear "her side of the story" on every news outlet for every little issue from her money problems to her tummy tuck. All I can say is thank god I don't have to see ex-boss everywhere talking about this stuff.

6. Spiedi
Who are these people? And why are they constantly on magazine covers and on TV? Is there anyone out there that actually demands to see or read more on these two?

5. Octomom
If you ask me what annoys me the most about Nadya Suleman, I'm hard-pressed to choose just one thing (although the way she says "babies" is really close to the top). There are just so many other things to choose from. She uses herself as a human petri dish and uses student loan money and state handouts to fund it. Her own parents think she's a raving lunatic. She yells and screams at the help. She's got that weird Angelina Jolie obsession. The best part of the whole debacle so far was when the paps filmed her 2-year-old kid slapping her in the face and calling her a bitch. The whole world is with you, kid. The whole world is with you.

4. Everyone behind Megan Wants a Millionaire
Bleach blonde golddigging skank-slash-Rock of Love reject? Check.
Seventeen "millionaires" vying for the love of/chance to buy stuff for said skank? Check.
Background checkers to make sure none of the millionaires have the potential to marry a Vegas stripper mere days after meeting her, brutally kill her and pull all her teeth out so she won't be identified, stuff her in a suitcase and throw it in a trash bin, drive to Canada and hang himself on a coat rack in a no-tell motel? Oops!

3. The entire Heene family
Sadly, one of the iconic images of the year is of that giant flying Jiffy Pop bag sailing over Colorado. And that stupid balloon had more personality, brains and connection to reality than the family that built it.

2. Jon Gosselin
I actually had some sympathy for Jon at one point in my life. Kate is such a cunty shrew! But now, every time I see the latest paparazzi pic of Jon slouching around New York in a bedazzled Ed Hardy shirt (or is it Quacker Factory?), he looks more and more like a sagging globule of protoplasm with greasy spikes on top of it and I hate myself for having ever felt for him. Gawker Media recently named Joe Francis the biggest douchebag of the decade (and yay for them), but Jon is certainly in the running to win the award for fastest flunky-to-douche transformation of the last several years. It's like watching your dad going through a really uncomfortable midlife crisis. One that includes hanging out with fellow slimebag Michael Lohan.

1. Chris Brown
The only person who could beat out the Gosselin is someone who beat the tar out of pop princess Rihanna, which everyone got to see via that horrifying photo. If that wasn't enough to make him ass of the year, he then proceeds to go on a national TV tour in freaking bow ties and Mr. Rogers sweaters to practice his sad face and say he's sowwwy about "what went down." Hey, Chris, "what went down" is that you brutally beat your girlfriend (who by the way handled the tragic situation with a very mature sense of responsibility), yet somehow you seem to view yourself as the victim. Then, to dig your career grave to exactly six feet, you publicly call out Oprah the Great for not supporting you, sensitively referring to her dis as "a slap in the face". As of this posting Chris is on approximately appearance #12 on the Bow Tie Apology Tour, which he's on to promote his new album. Time to go away forever, fuckface. Thank you, and good-bye.

All I want is what I have coming to me—all I want is my fair share

A Charlie Brown Christmas aired tonight and we all know how excited I get about this. Don't we all? But I have to say, watching this as an adult Mrs. Crabapple, it's difficult not to notice the irony in Sally's letter to Santa compared to (a) the times we are living in and (b) my last post:

Dear Santa Claus, How have you been? Did you have a nice summer? How is your wife? I have been extra good this year, so I have a long list of presents that I want. Please note the size and color of each item, and send as many as possible. If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself: just send money. How about tens and twenties? All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share.

And don't forget Lucy's infamous Christmas gift request from Santa:

Lucy: I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want. I always get a lot of stupid toys or a bicycle or clothes or something like that.
Charlie: What is it you want?
Lucy: REAL ESTATE.

Um, maybe next year?

That being said, for as big of a bitchy cynic as I can be, the simplicity and sweetness of this show and its message always just warms my little black heart. I relate to Charlie: "I know no one likes me. Why do we need a holiday to emphasize it?" Sweet little bald Charlie! They used your head to design jack-o'-lanterns! They served jelly beans at your Thanksgiving! They made you take the wrong route in the fork of the stream when you were racing for your life! But it doesn't matter because when it comes down to it, the show is named after YOU.

Rock n' roll. And happy holidays.

It's that time of year again!

Please take some time to offer a moment of silence for Jdimytai "Jimmy" Damour. One year ago today, Jimmy was trampled to death in a Wal-Mart by a bloodthirsty crowd of Doorbusters who assigned more value to flat screen TV than to a poor hapless employee's life. To make the story more depressing, Jimmy was a temp worker who was probably making $7.25 an hour. Most likely less since it's Wal-Mart.

This year, Wal-Mart has instated a brilliant plan to cut down on Black Friday stampedes (and annoying lawsuits from the families of dead employees). This morning, customers were allowed to herd in early and line up beside the product they want to cage fight over. Ingenious! Let them all biting each others' noses off for Rock Band in little groups around the store instead of in one big murderous mob. It's probably easier to pull the bodies out that way.

I may make it a yearly S&C tradition to relay some Black Friday horror stories, because you know this Wal-Mart plan is going to produce some. Here are a few I found online.

Some early bird shoppers were using shopping carts to block aisles in the store, and some even abandoned their carts some 10 feet inside the store entrance, so that other shoppers wouldn’t get ahead of them in the mad rush for merch.

In 1997, the most dangerous toy of all was created: Tickle Me Elmo. For some reason, everyone needed to have a red monster who giggled and vibrated, and they would go to all means necessary. Hustlers rushed to stores on Black Friday, to later sell Elmo online for up to $1500. An employee at Hot Topic was injured when, as he was holding the last remaining Elmo, a group of shoppers literally attacked him. He suffered a broken rib and a concussion.

I crossed the street from my house, and went to cross the parking lot intersection immediately thereafter. Not being a complete idiot (I hope) I looked both ways, saw traffic slowing for the stop sign, so I foolishly ventured across the road. And was promptly, and rather painfully, hit by a late '90s Dodge Ram. So while I sat on the curb waiting for the police to arrive, I remembered why exactly it was that I lock myself in the house on the day after Thanksgiving, but also that other people should do the same. The woman that hit me (other than apologizing profusely) said she was "too busy looking at ads" to notice me.

I saw a guy holding a sign that said "will suck dick for God of War."

If you're shopping today, please be nice to the employees. I realize it's hard when you're surrounded by sick, screaming children, greedy assholes and other failures of humanity, but it might be the one ounce of human decency and kindness they've experienced all day.

P.S. That stupid Jane Seymour "double heart" necklace looks like boobs and a butt. Dr. Quinn should stick to medicine because she sure ain't a jewelry design woman. Har har.

My new life ambition: corporate drone by day, avant garde popstress in Alexander McQueen by night

Finally, someone cares about making music videos again. Lady Gaga, I want to be you when I grow up.



She's so fucking awesome. (Anyone else think she looks like Amy Winehouse meets Gwen Stefani?)

For the Bird

My crazed obsession with all things Sesame Street continues. I've been eagerly checking in to Google every day to see how they've done their Sesame-themed logo in honor of the show's 40th anniversary (they've been doing it for the past week). Now the New York Times has run an interview with one of my personal heroes...Big Bird! There are also some great questions and comments from Caroll Spinney, the 75-year-old puppeteer who has played Big Bird (and Oscar the Grouch) since the beginning. Because I love it so, I'm reproducing it in its entirety here. Sunny days!

On Tuesday, “Sesame Street” will celebrate its 40th anniversary with the usual array of songs and life lessons about numbers and nutrition and a special guest, the first lady, Michelle Obama, on hand to help out.

Meanwhile, Caroll Spinney, the puppeteer behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, and Carol-Lynn Parente, executive producer, are answering questions from Times readers this week.

Mr. Spinney has embodied both the yin and the yang of “Sesame Street” since the show’s debut. Below, in the guise of everyone’s favorite Giant Golden Condor (who knew?), he responds to queries about Big Bird’s weight, about his dreams and about the existential nature of Mr. Snuffleupagus. Mr. Spinney, the puppeteer, and Ms. Parente also weigh in where appropriate.

Dear Big Bird,
I love you. How many brothers and sisters do you have?
—Jessica

“None.”

Is Big Bird a boy or a girl?
—Alanna

“Boy.”

Hey Big Bird! How much do you weigh?
—Ashley

“I’m light as a feather!”

Dear Mr. Bird,
Do you know of any bigger birds? If not, what’s the next biggest?
—Parker

“An ostrich.”

Hi Big Bird! What species of bird are you?
—Danielle

“A Giant Golden Condor but I’m really a lark.”

Hi Big Bird!!! I’m a huge fan. My question: Why are you yellow??
—Eike H.

“Because my mother and father were yellow.”

Are you naturally blond? In one photo, I thought I spotted a few dark feather-roots. Also, do you plan to go gray naturally? If so, will this just be your head, or your entire body?
—MaineGrammy

“Of course I’m a natural blond! I’ll never go gray I’ll always be blond, just like my mommy.”

Dear Big Bird,
Why is the Mexican Big Bird green? Are you related to him?
—André

“Yes, Abelardo is a parrot and he is my cousin!”

Hi Big Bird! What is your favorite letter and why?
—Annie F

“B! On my mailbox it says ‘bb’ and it stands for Big Bird — and that’s why.”

Dear Big Bird: Do you sleep on a tree and what do you dream about at night?
—Gwen, age 3

“I sleep in a nest and I dream about other birds.”

Hey Big Bird! What’s your favorite book and why?
—Victoria L

“The Audubon Book of Birds.”

Big Bird, do you have a favorite song?
—Rick

“LA, LA, LA.”

My kids insist that Cookie Monster has been transformed into “Veggie Monster” for the sake of political correctness in our overweight world. Please say it isn’t so!
—Aaron

“It isn’t so! Cookie Monster still loves to eat cookies. But now he also likes to eat healthy foods like carrots, and knows it’s alright to eat foods like cookies sometimes.”

A question for Oscar: Does he still have that elephant in his dustbin?
—Linus F (Trinidad & Tobago)

“Fluffy, yes. Fluffy still lives in my trash can — not my dust bin.

Hello Mr. Bird,
Snuffy was always a figment of your imagination. After revisiting the show during a wave of nostalgia, I noticed everyone is now friends with Snuffy. How did the change come about?
—Janis Haddock

“Snuffy’s my best friend, he was never imaginary! It was just a matter of poor timing. Sometimes I would ask Snuffy to wait for me in one spot, then while I was away he would leave to go put on a tie or brush his teeth. And then when I came back he would be gone! But then one day he finally stuck around, and everyone could see that my friend Snuffy was real after all. I was so glad that day, because then I knew that my grown-up friends on Sesame Street would always believe me when I told them something that unusual but still true.”

CAROL-LYNN PARENTE: “It was always unclear whether Snuffy was real or just conveniently absent when anyone other than Big Bird was around. We decided to confirm that Snuffy was in fact a real friend of Big Bird in the mid ’80s when there were several incidents of child abuse in the news and there was some concern whether the investigations done with children could be believed. We didn’t want to model the adults in the community not believing Big Bird and an episode was written for his big reveal.”

How do Muppeteers sustain arms-over-head positions for extended periods required for “Sesame Street” segments? Are there fans in Big Bird’s (and others) costume?
—Meg in DC

MS. PARENTE: “Puppeteers are in extraordinary condition to sustain such physical performances. There are not fans or cooling devices in the Big Bird or Snuffy puppets. We limit the amount of time the performers can be in costume by taping the show in shorter segments that all get put together in post-production.”

Mr. Spinney,
Have improvements in technology inside the BB costume made your job easier over the years? I’m thinking of your vision, microphones and what I must assume is the high temperature inside the costume under studio lights and long takes?
—Victor

CAROLL SPINNEY: “Jim Henson rigged up the monitor and the harness and the microphone that I used and the set-up is exactly the same as it was from day one. Forty years later, I still use the same system but I have replaced the batteries. Believe it or not, the costume is not as hot as you would think — and I take off the top feathers approximately every seven to ten minutes so I get to cool off between takes.”

How do you feel about the changes that have been made to “Sesame Street” over the years? Also, how do you feel about the fact that when the DVD set of the early “Sesame Street” years was released, it was labeled as not suitable for young children? (I was a young child then, and I don’t think it did me any harm!)
—Lisa

MS. PARENTE: “I love that the changes to ‘Sesame Street’ let a new generation of children feel like this show was made for them. This isn’t their mommy or daddy’s ‘Sesame Street,’ but it does still have everything their parents loved about the show. The humor, the characters, the neighborhood that is ‘Sesame Street’ is still intact, but the visual and audio style reflect what appeals to children today.

“As for the label at the top of our ‘Old School’ DVD releases, the warning is a product of the changing times. There was and is nothing about that content that is harmful, however, it was made in a different time, when for instance, we would have modeled children riding bicycles without helmets and riding in cars without seat-belts — things we would no longer choose to do for the safety reasons.”

I know that excerpts from the first seasons are now available on DVD. But are there any plans to put entire episodes on DVD, say of the first five or six shows? Also, will the first two record albums ever be available on CD?
—Andy

MS PARENTE: “Our ‘Old School’ DVD releases actually include several full show episodes from the early years. It is possible that we will continue that series with additional releases of more shows.

“We are currently exploring release of several of our best selling albums for CD or digital download release. Stay tuned!”

Snow blows

I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off. And with Halloween on the horizon, our topic today is, of course, most frightful.

A couple months ago, I blogged about aging, strident '70s bimbot Suzanne Somers and how she's followed up her illustrious career in television (RIP Step By Step) by going on to earn about 10 doctorate degrees in various medical specialties, including dermatology, internal medicine, oncology and, of course, obstetrics and gynecology. Her tireless research on the aging process led to the groundbreaking discovery that women can literally turn back the clock by taking more than 40 supplements a day, drinking sludge smoothies, slathering non-FDA regulated hormone cream on your arms, standing on your head and shooting estrogen into your cootch with a syringe.

Oh wait, I mean that she's actually an aging strident '70s bimbot who DOESN'T have any kind of medical degree, yet still writes books and goes on every talk show to yap about her ridiculous and dangerous snake oil treatments to anyone who will listen. This is a woman who is a cancer survivor and had a hysterectomy and is still too stupid and arrogant to admit that maybe, just maybe, her witch doctor-approved regimen caused her to get sick. And what a surprise! Research even shows that unregulated hormone therapies, like the ones Suzanne takes, can lead to—dun-dun-DUN!—CANCER!

Certainly we could never expect a celebutard like the woman behind Chrissy Snow to admit she may have been wrong. Of course not, because she wracks up quite the windfall from all this quackery. Among the amazing products Suzanne endorses and sells under the Somersize™ and Suzanne™ umbrellas to help people waste money and cling to their pitiful attempts to reclaim youth:

• The infamous ThighMaster, "the best way to tone, shape and firm your inner thighs with just a few squeezes a day" ($19.99)

• The FaceMaster facial toning system that promises to "tighten all 22 facial muscles" and includes "finger wands for one-handed results," whatever the fuck that means and I know what it sounds like it means ($228.95)

• Suzanne-endorsed Life Extension Weight Loss Blood Test ($324)

• Endorsement of the NeoStem stem-cell bank, which "harvests" your own stem cells for future disease prevention ($7,500, plus an $800–$1,500 "mobilizing agent" fee and $62.50 monthly storage fee)

• Endorsement of LifeWave®, a company that produces some kind of homeopathic patches that "communicate with the body through the human magnetic field" to give one more energy, better sleep, joint pain relief, smoother skin, weight loss, etc. ($19.95–$89.95 per pack)

• Clothes and accessories, including Crystal Wing Sunglasses encrusted with Swarovski crystals ($50)

• The SomerSmile® Get White ($50) and Stay White ($20) tooth-whitening systems

• Somersize™ brand kitchen products, including the 5-liter electronic flash fryer ($59.95)

• A line of foods, including a Sour Apple Martini Mix, featuring Suzanne's own SomerSweet® sugar substitute ($9.99)

• A bunch of books on topics ranging from weight loss to being sexy to alcoholic parents to childhood abuse to chocolate recipes.

Grand total: at least $9,145.33 to be cool like Suzanne. Gee, Suze, it's so expensive to desperately grab for youth and beauty. Just how am I expected to keep this up and still make my car payments?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up now is because Suzanne is currently making the rounds to pimp her new book Knockout: Interviews With Doctors Who Are Curing Cancer and How To Prevent Getting It In The First Place. With all the preventative measures Suzanne takes, it's shocking that she still ended getting cancer and having to get a hysterectomy. I guess that's what makes her an expert on medical issues. It's kind of like when I became an expert on dental health after a nasty bout with a toothache. That experience led me to start practicing dentistry. But without all that school and stuff. I needed to get my message out and didn't have time to waste.

I also like how Suzanne has a never-ending supply of tantalizing personal tragedies to reveal every time she releases a book. This time, she claims she was misdiagnosed with "full body cancer" by some mean doctors who tried to kill her with evil Western medicine and suck her into the Big Pharma conspiracy. In reality she had valley fever, a fungal infection that is rather common in the southwest U.S. Her story is very dubious; among her questionable claims, she never reveals the name of the hospital or doctors who treated her...why wouldn't she? I'd sure as hell would want to know if this type of blatant malpractice was going on at my local hospital. But no. Instead she continues to advocate her alt-med dumbassery and blowhard about her precious horse pill regimen.

Now, I know I'm preaching to the choir, as by default, Stupid & Contagious readers are of above-average intelligence and wouldn't think of taking medical advice from the former star of She's the Sheriff. But that's not going to stop me from complaining because I'm so sick of seeing this dumb bitch's plastic face everywhere and I find her quest to stay young sad and pathetic. Like anyone is going to believe she "stays youthful" with creams and pills. So chemo is bad, but having plastic sacs installed in your boobs is a-ok? Also, I've got news for Suzanne—if all this crap is supposedly working, take a look at a close-up paparazzi shot. Bitch looks haggard.

Most of all, Suzanne's bullshit is insulting and offensive to anyone who has, had or knows someone with cancer (and we all do). This is a woman who reacted to Patrick Swayze's death from pancreatic cancer by saying, "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him. Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be this controversial. I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it." Chrissy Snow has spoken and the results are to be as expected. That bitch put the boob in "boob tube"!

Anyway, my blood pressure has topped off and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on! Come to think of it, a quote from Linus perfectly sums up the thought process behind anyone who would look to Suzanne Somers for medical advice: "Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. P.S. If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know."