Neo-nazis need love, too

Much like herpes simplex, some of our old friends from posts past have a knack of just popping up unexpectedly. Count Grishnackh does this quite a bit, as does Suzanne Somers. Now we can add the Gaedes to that list.

If you've forgotten (and how the hell could you?), the Gaedes are a family that consists of twins Lynx and Lamb—also known as national socialist folk-pop duo Prussian Blue—and their mom April, who is sort of like a Dina Lohan-style stage parent, momager type. Who totally loves Hitler. In fact, the Gaedes love Hitler so much, they make Hitler snowmen (see Exhibit A, pictured left).

It's been a while since I blogged about this outfit. But it wasn't too long ago that I blogged about a Prussian Blue copycat group and wondered whatever happened to the original Olsen twins of the Third Reich, Lynx and Lamb. Still no word on that front, but a fun little piece of news did come out today that involves Mom April.

The hate group watchdogs at the Southern Poverty Law Center report that April Gaede has undertaken a new venture: neo-nazi matchmaking. That's right. April's now using her "connections" to hook white people up to breed more white people. “I am willing to act as a go between, researcher, matchmaker, older sister and guide for any WNs [white nationalists] who are looking for a WN spouse,” the Center quotes her as writing on a white power website. “Only email me if you are serious about finding a spouse or long term partner.”

You had me at sieg heil, April.

Just kidding. I wouldn't qualify anyway. My uncle sent a cheek swab to National Geographic and found out the Rockit family ancestors came from Northern Africa. Dirty! Tainted! Just like everybody in the whole history of the fucking world.

You may ask what qualifies April to be a matchmaker. Well, she's married, for one thing. And she likes to boast about how awesome her relationship with her husband is. “I was 37 with two children when my husband Mark and I met,” she wrote. “In any other circumstances we might have been an unlikely pair, a city boy who plays hockey and a country girl who trained horses. But because of our ideological similarities and our mutual concern about the future of our race we have much more in common than the average couple today.”

Those crazy kids! Who says opposites don't attract? Maybe they should make one of those cringeworthy how-we-met commercials like eHarmony does to promote April's matchmaking business. They could also film spots featuring successful matches. "I didn't want anyone to know I was having another racist find a white partner for me," an attractive but non-threatening blonde could say. "April matched us on 28 levels of deep Aryan compatibility." Come to think of it, eAryan would be a great name for the service! Or eWhitey. Even better!

Anyway, not all has been wine, roses and combat boots in April's love life. She and her first husband, the twins' father, bitterly divorced and her ex cited April's racist lunacy in an attempt to get custody of Lynx and Lamb. She says that her only regret of the whole ugly affair was that she didn't produce “four to six more children with that ideal eugenic quality that [Lynx and Lamb] possess.” Holy schnikes. This chick is hardcore!

It also turns out she has a real knack for hooking people up. Wait until you hear this:

April has a long and sordid history of micromanagement when it comes to the twins' "band." It all started when she recruited a very special songwriter to come up with some tunes for her then-preteen girls to sing: David Lane, an elderly former Aryan Nation leader serving a 190-year sentence for murdering a Jewish radio show host. He apparently was the model for Stacy Keach's character in American History X. Yes, Davey is a real Renaissance man.

Anyway, when Davey died, April evidently appointed herself micromanager of his funeral arrangements, too. She had Lane's body shipped from a prison in Indiana to her home in Montana and interred his cremated remains into 14 miniature pyramids. The SPLC reports in their article that the pyramids were supposed to be given to 14 different women, but a big fight broke out over the whole thing. Gee, how surprising that they all couldn't just deal with it in a calm and rational manner.

Maybe I'm naive but this thing with the body and the remains and the pyramids is just over-the-top bizarre, and that's saying a lot for this bunch. It's worth reading some of the other stories on the SPLC's site about April. As you're reading, imagine her as one of those wild-eyed pageant moms that pantomime routine steps along with their makeup-soaked toddlers. Among her repertoire of antics, she likes to angrily confront store clerks in checkout lines with wild accusations of pandering to minorities and shake them up to the point that they forget to ring up one of her items. She claims to always walk out of K-Mart or Ikea with something free and says it's the store's problem, not hers. And you thought your parents were embarrassing.

Plus the SPLC has a way with words. They refer to Prussian Blue's songs as "shrill odes," which I'm totally stealing.

They also mention that there exists a documentary about the Gaedes called Nazi Pop Twins. It sounds like a real winner even beyond the title, so stay tuned for an S&C skewing (if I can manage to get my hands on it).

Anyway, that's the latest from this koo-koo krazy little korner of the universe. Now you'll be able to sleep at night. Sweet dreams!

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