10/28/2009

Snow blows

I've been gone for a minute, now I'm back with the jump off. And with Halloween on the horizon, our topic today is, of course, most frightful.

A couple months ago, I blogged about aging, strident '70s bimbot Suzanne Somers and how she's followed up her illustrious career in television (RIP Step By Step) by going on to earn about 10 doctorate degrees in various medical specialties, including dermatology, internal medicine, oncology and, of course, obstetrics and gynecology. Her tireless research on the aging process led to the groundbreaking discovery that women can literally turn back the clock by taking more than 40 supplements a day, drinking sludge smoothies, slathering non-FDA regulated hormone cream on your arms, standing on your head and shooting estrogen into your cootch with a syringe.

Oh wait, I mean that she's actually an aging strident '70s bimbot who DOESN'T have any kind of medical degree, yet still writes books and goes on every talk show to yap about her ridiculous and dangerous snake oil treatments to anyone who will listen. This is a woman who is a cancer survivor and had a hysterectomy and is still too stupid and arrogant to admit that maybe, just maybe, her witch doctor-approved regimen caused her to get sick. And what a surprise! Research even shows that unregulated hormone therapies, like the ones Suzanne takes, can lead to—dun-dun-DUN!—CANCER!

Certainly we could never expect a celebutard like the woman behind Chrissy Snow to admit she may have been wrong. Of course not, because she wracks up quite the windfall from all this quackery. Among the amazing products Suzanne endorses and sells under the Somersize™ and Suzanne™ umbrellas to help people waste money and cling to their pitiful attempts to reclaim youth:

• The infamous ThighMaster, "the best way to tone, shape and firm your inner thighs with just a few squeezes a day" ($19.99)

• The FaceMaster facial toning system that promises to "tighten all 22 facial muscles" and includes "finger wands for one-handed results," whatever the fuck that means and I know what it sounds like it means ($228.95)

• Suzanne-endorsed Life Extension Weight Loss Blood Test ($324)

• Endorsement of the NeoStem stem-cell bank, which "harvests" your own stem cells for future disease prevention ($7,500, plus an $800–$1,500 "mobilizing agent" fee and $62.50 monthly storage fee)

• Endorsement of LifeWave®, a company that produces some kind of homeopathic patches that "communicate with the body through the human magnetic field" to give one more energy, better sleep, joint pain relief, smoother skin, weight loss, etc. ($19.95–$89.95 per pack)

• Clothes and accessories, including Crystal Wing Sunglasses encrusted with Swarovski crystals ($50)

• The SomerSmile® Get White ($50) and Stay White ($20) tooth-whitening systems

• Somersize™ brand kitchen products, including the 5-liter electronic flash fryer ($59.95)

• A line of foods, including a Sour Apple Martini Mix, featuring Suzanne's own SomerSweet® sugar substitute ($9.99)

• A bunch of books on topics ranging from weight loss to being sexy to alcoholic parents to childhood abuse to chocolate recipes.

Grand total: at least $9,145.33 to be cool like Suzanne. Gee, Suze, it's so expensive to desperately grab for youth and beauty. Just how am I expected to keep this up and still make my car payments?

Anyway, the reason I bring this up now is because Suzanne is currently making the rounds to pimp her new book Knockout: Interviews With Doctors Who Are Curing Cancer and How To Prevent Getting It In The First Place. With all the preventative measures Suzanne takes, it's shocking that she still ended getting cancer and having to get a hysterectomy. I guess that's what makes her an expert on medical issues. It's kind of like when I became an expert on dental health after a nasty bout with a toothache. That experience led me to start practicing dentistry. But without all that school and stuff. I needed to get my message out and didn't have time to waste.

I also like how Suzanne has a never-ending supply of tantalizing personal tragedies to reveal every time she releases a book. This time, she claims she was misdiagnosed with "full body cancer" by some mean doctors who tried to kill her with evil Western medicine and suck her into the Big Pharma conspiracy. In reality she had valley fever, a fungal infection that is rather common in the southwest U.S. Her story is very dubious; among her questionable claims, she never reveals the name of the hospital or doctors who treated her...why wouldn't she? I'd sure as hell would want to know if this type of blatant malpractice was going on at my local hospital. But no. Instead she continues to advocate her alt-med dumbassery and blowhard about her precious horse pill regimen.

Now, I know I'm preaching to the choir, as by default, Stupid & Contagious readers are of above-average intelligence and wouldn't think of taking medical advice from the former star of She's the Sheriff. But that's not going to stop me from complaining because I'm so sick of seeing this dumb bitch's plastic face everywhere and I find her quest to stay young sad and pathetic. Like anyone is going to believe she "stays youthful" with creams and pills. So chemo is bad, but having plastic sacs installed in your boobs is a-ok? Also, I've got news for Suzanne—if all this crap is supposedly working, take a look at a close-up paparazzi shot. Bitch looks haggard.

Most of all, Suzanne's bullshit is insulting and offensive to anyone who has, had or knows someone with cancer (and we all do). This is a woman who reacted to Patrick Swayze's death from pancreatic cancer by saying, "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him. Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be this controversial. I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it." Chrissy Snow has spoken and the results are to be as expected. That bitch put the boob in "boob tube"!

Anyway, my blood pressure has topped off and It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on! Come to think of it, a quote from Linus perfectly sums up the thought process behind anyone who would look to Suzanne Somers for medical advice: "Everyone tells me you are a fake, but I believe in you. P.S. If you really are a fake, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

1 comment:

Laura said...

As a former nurse, chemo blows. That being said, sometimes it also saves lives: ask that douchebag Lance Armstrong. But he's still around sticking his wang in every and any trollop who'll have him. Suzanne: STFU