You may recall several months ago that I made the highly embarrassing confession that I used to have a big huge crush on Corey Haim. OK, well, hold on to your seat because I'm ready to drop another bomb on you: at the exact same time...I also had a big huge crush on Corey Feldman. Don't laugh! You must note that this was when I was, like, 12 years old and "The Lost Boys" had just come out. EVERYONE loved the Coreys—even boys sort of liked them, I think. This was before Feldman started going through that weird phase where he kept acting like Michael Jackson and divorced his parents and went through rehab about 58 times, and before Haim got all fat and bloated and started selling his body parts on Ebay and giving coked-up, slurry interviews on the E! channel. I've moved on since then and my tastes have matured. Now I have a big huge crush on Ville Valo. But that's totally different!
Anyway, as you may know, Feldman went on to star in the first installment of "The Surreal Life" where he roomed with Vince Neil, married his girlfriend Suzie on-air and hotly contested Danny Bonaducce as the whiniest former child star-turned cokehead-turned reality TV whore. Haim, on the other hand, ended up living in a tiny apartment with his mom where he takes about 800 Percs and Vikes a day and entertains himself by "making art" and "playing music" (translation: playing with Colorforms and plinking out "Chopsticks" on a Casio keyboard). It really is a sad state of affairs. And you really do have to feel kind of bad for the guy, because you know how us peons just eat it up when former child stars go all ape shit. I mean, I totally watch Corey's "E! True Hollywood Story" every single time it's on, just to see this part where he's giving an interview while he's all drugged up. And I feel all cheated because I totally believed everything Bop and Tiger Beat and Superteen said about him when I was a kid—those dirty liars! I'll bet his favorite color wasn't even really blue.
So I figured from here on out we'd see Feldman occasionally cropping up on "Child Star Confidential" and being a talking head on drug specials or on CNN whenever Jacko gets arrested again. And Haim, with his new killer whale-like appearance, would also show up on CNN, but in a report featuring a grainy mini-mart security cam of him snatching the give-a-penny-take-a-penny plate and making a break for it, followed by a sad 15-minute whatever-happened-to montage about his gratuitous fall from grace.
In this case, I'm sure you'll be totally surprised that I figured wrong. Check it:
"Fans of late 1980s/early 1990s cinema classics 'License to Drive,' 'Dream a Little Dream,' and unforgettable the-hot-one-from-Charles-in-Charge-getting-naked masterwork 'Blown Away' will suffer an aneurysm of delight from today's news that the producers of non-exploitative reality fare like 'Wife Swap' have reunited former teen heartthrobs Corey Feldman and Corey Haim for a 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'-style series. Reports Variety: 'The Coreys' picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim—single and the total opposite of Feldman—as he shakes life up for the Feldmans. RDF USA exec VP of current/development Greg Goldman said because Feldman and Haim have been friends on and off screen for several years, the chemistry between the two 'just pops off the screen.'"
OK, I realize this little report is dripping with sarcasm, but my god, I hope this is real. Forget "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and "Supergroup"—this is going to be the best show that ever was. Imagine the hilarity when Feldman and wife Suzie are in the middle of a domestic squabble over how Corey never changes diapers when Haim slinks around creepily on the front porch, and pounds on the door in an attempt to get Feldman to go out and party, like the old days. Suzie will cross her arms, tap her foot and give Feldman "the look", to which Feldman will shrug innocently and announce, "Whaaaat? I'll be back by 10!" That's when the real adventure begins!
The two Coreys race out the door, immediatly score and wake up two weeks later underneath a dumpster behind a dilapitated truckstop in Reno, with their kidneys neatly removed and their wallets, keys and cell phones conveniently missing. Even more hilarity ensues when the two former teen idols try to hitchhike back to LA and end up getting rides with a cavalcade of characters, including a moonie-like religious cult in a conversion van, a homophobic truck driver who thinks the two are boyfriends, and a singing band of '60s teens who just want to get to California and surf all day. The series ends when they finally get back to Feldman's to find out his kid is about 25 and Suzie has long since pronounced him legally dead, had plastic surgery beyond recognition and is now in a dysfunctional relationship with Scott Baio. All this without kidneys!!
Of course, the last episode leaves it open for the two Coreys to spin off again into a show where they try to revive their acting careers, but that never happens because Haim becomes a morbidly obese recluse who is trapped inside his bedroom for years until the fire department shows up to break the walls down to get him out and he ends up going on the Tyra Banks Show to tell "his story." And Feldman gets involved in Scientology and, well, you know what happens then...
This is so awesome, I can't even believe it. I imagine it being sort of like "Licence To Drive", only with the Coreys as the drunk chick. And also sort of like that National Lampoon movie they were in that sometimes comes on Cinemax at 3:45 a.m., where they are a couple of pothead losers at some kind of resort and have to take on some kind of big responsibility that they are totally not qualified to handle. Please tell me that's a real movie and I didn't just make that up.