We here at Stupid & Contagious (and by "we" I mean "me") have made a serious commitment to the readers (and by "readers" I mean Lola, Lord Grimsmear and possibly my cousin) to provide top-quality bloggertainment (I just made that up!) and the most viciously snarky commentary that I can muster on a variety of topics. So while I really try to do my best, I feel I've been letting down the fellas around here. I mean, all those times that I've shamelessly slobbered on and on about hot guys, provided super-sexxxy pix of sundry cute boys, written openly about my creepy obsession with my fake boyfriend Eric Avery and, of course, babbled ad nauseum on my letcherous, unquenchable thirst for Ville Valo...while I find it all endlessly fascinating, this shit is probably of no interest to you and I realize I have been neglecting you. And for that, I apologize.
So to make up for it, I decided to dedicate a post to exactly the opposite: really ugly guys! Recently, the Boston Phoenix alt. weekly did a disturbing but intriguing roundup of the 100 Unsexiest Men in the Entertainment World. I think we can all agree that there is nothing worse than an unattractive person—am I right, or am I right? And this inspired list includes some truly vomitous creatures. Here's the top 10, just for you, guys! And I promise: no more mentions of Ville Valo and how smoking hot he is.
1. Gilbert Gottfried. Aw, The Phoenix is so mean! He's fucking annoying and all, but is he really worse than, say, Michael Jackson? To make matters more confusing, they go on to add this interesting little tidbit: "Rumor has it that Gilbert is the heir apparent to Uncle Milty when it comes to what he's packing." No shit...really? I don't know what to do with this kind of information. The initial reaction is kinda icky, followed closely by morbid fascination. Anyway, maybe I should just keep my mouth shut—I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea or anything.
2. Randy Johnson. I don't even know who this guy is, but I looked him up online and, thanks to his picture, I'm now unable to ever have children. He makes Federline look citified.
3. Roger Ebert. Ew, yeah, good choice
4. Dr. Phil. OK, but have you seen his son? He's totally hot! How did that happen? Oh, wait, sorry. No more horndog comments; I promise.
5. Alan Colmes. Yeah, way to represent the libs with this guy. I totally agree, but would also submit that Sean Hannity is pretty fucking grody, too. Maybe Fox News should take advantage of that marketing opportunity: tune in for the unsexiest hour of talk TV! Or don't.
6. Chad Kroeger. "It's not just the massive head, weird face, and bad hair. It's also the fact that he's in Nickelback, the worst band since the dawn of music." The Phoenix is awesome for this quote alone.
7. Mike Mills. Yeesh. Yep, gotta agree with this one, too.
8. Osama Bin Laden. Sure, why not?
9. Jay Leno. Unless of course you have a sick, twisted fantasy of getting busy with that big Mack the Knife moon head from those old McDonald's commercials. Remember that?
10. Don Imus. God, what is up with that guy's hair? It's like a cotton candy machine exploded. And his face looks like a leather handbag that was smashed by a car tire on a gravel road.
Other foul land beasts mentioned elsewhere include:
• Raffi, the guy behind such quintessential children's recordings as "Bananaphone", "Let's Play" and "Raffi in Concert with the Rise and Shine Band." I never heard any of this stuff when I was a kid, but I would bet that pretty much every violent criminial in the country has.
• Axl. No comment.
• Scott Stapp—YES! Take that, you prick! How does it feel to be judged publicly as unsexier than Lyle Lovett, John Popper and Art Garfunkel? Hell, even Joey Buttafuoco scored higher than you! HAHAHAHA!! Sucks to be you, you big douche!
• Tom, that guy on Myspace who is everyone's friend. This one just made me laugh, because who the fuck IS that guy? Does he own Myspace or something? That alone would make him unsexy. But he also insists on keeping up that ridiculous picture of himself sitting at a desk in front of what looks like a classroom wipe board, sporting a filthy white tee and outdated earlength sideburns. He should have just signed up under the pseudonym "Mr. Ewan MacGregor", slapped up a still from "Velvet Goldmine" and sit back to watch the nudie pics fill up his inbox at record speed. I mean, if he's the head honcho of Myspace he could probably get away with that, at least for a couple of days...
• Lemmy Kilmister, who I've always said is tied with Mick Mars as the most unattractive guy in rock. Lemmy is living proof that it doesn't matter how rich, famous or cool of a rock star you are—there is such a thing as a groupie that will stoop too low.
Despite being pretty spot-on, I do take issue with a few of the entries, including:
• Mike D. of the Beastie Boys. He's number 13 out of 100! I mean, come on. He went to the prom and wore a fly blue rental! He can drink a quart of monkey and still stand still! He travels 'round the globe keeping girlies dizzy! Give the little prep a break.
• Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance. They completely blow, but I would have chosen Danii Filth from Cradle of Filth over this guy. Plus, there aren't any good stories about him on Groupie Central, but there were a whole bunch of doozies about Danii (including that he likes to have chicks sit n' spin...ON HIS FACE!!)
• Robert Patrick. OK, take it from me, guys, they are completely off-base on this one.
• Brad Pitt. He was listed as number 100 (just behind Federline) for the rumors over his personal hygiene issues. Did you even know there were rumors about his personal hygiene issues? I always thought he looked like a well-scrubbed metro. Gross. I wonder how Angelina puts up with it. You know there probably aren't many opportunities to take a shower when you're traipsing around Djibouti with the Rainbow Coalition in 100-plus degree heat. Anyway, no matter what he smells like, he still doesn't do anything for me. But then again, I still probably wouldn't kick him out of bed—my god, I'm so confused! All I can conclude is that Brad is simply walking that fine line between fuckable and anaphrodisiac. (Did you like that? I just found that word in the dictionary!)
So, anyway, for what it's worth, there you go. Just to let male Stupid & Contagious readers know I care. By the way, have you guys ever seen this dude Grady Sizemore who plays for the Cleveland Indians? What do you know about him? Because I'd like to hit a home run and round those bases, if you know what I mean! Heh, heh...and I think you do! (I guess this means I'm back to my regularly scheduled "programming." Shit, that didn't last long.)