Don't eat before reading this

Two things: One—rock is gross. Two—knowing that, you may not want to read this. In fact, I had to take a scalding hot shower and scrub off with steel wool when I was done writing it. With that forewarning, I now present the 6 most disgusting rock stars ever—they're sick...and sickly fascinating. And they're good for at least one dry heave.

6. Nikki Sixx/Ozzy Osbourne
These two famously competed in a contest to see who could commit the single grossest act while on tour together. According to the epic and truly brill Motley Crue bio "The Dirt," Ozzy won after snorting a line of ants through a straw and then drinking Nikki's pee.

5. Donita Sparks
She's the guitarist/singer for the all-girl grunge quartet L7, and she makes the list for just one infamous incident: at London's 1992 Reading Festival, she reached under her skirt, yanked out her bloody tampon and flung it into the crowd with the rousing battle cry of "Eat my used tampon." She later said of the dirt-slinging audience, "They threw mud, we threw blood." So vile, so disgusting...and only a chick could do it.

4. Gorgoroth
Of course there's a Norwegian black metal band on the list! And what a shock—they are friends with the Count. The most infamous of their antics occurred in Poland when they splattered the stage with 80 liters of sheep's blood and impaled animal heads on stakes. The scene was so gory that one of the dancers that appeared on stage with the band (nude and "nailed" to a cross) passed out. Shortly after, the singer was convicted of assaulting a man and threatening to drink his blood, and last year another band member was convicted, and later aquitted, of the rape and torture of a fan. Just your nice average guys next door, apparantly.

3. Il Duce
What, besides utter depravity, can you expect from a band with members named Sickie Wifebeater, Dr. Heathen Scum and Moosedick? Seattle foursome The Mentors called their special brand of punk "rape rock" and developed a cult following for such inspiring songs as "Golden Showers", "On The Rag" and "Clap Queen". But it was drummer Il Duce's on- and off-stage antics that outgrossed the gross. He puked in a cup and drank it, crapped into his hand and carried it around like a newborn baby, and peed and jerked off all over the place. Duce is also the guy that claimed that Courtney Love hired him to kill Kurt Cobain in the controversial documentary "Kurt and Courtney"; mere days after filming his story, he was run over by a train (not literally Courtney, although some theorists think she was behind the weirdly conincidental incident).

2. Gibby Haynes
My friend Jane saw Gibby with the Butthole Surfers when they opened for the Dead Kennedys in the '80s and she said she was so grossed out by Gibby's performance that she left before seeing her beloved DKs. She said he came out on stage wearing a flimsy woman's nightie, squeezed his boob until it started bleeding, allowed the blood intermingled with sweat to run down into his filthy combat boots, then proceeded to remove a boot and DRINK. Ugh. But this was typical of the man who loved to shock via personal hygiene neglect and revolting movies of penis surgery, slaugherhouse footage and other disturbing imagry that sometimes caused audience members to vomit, faint and (in at least one instance) have seizures. Oddly enough, Gibby was a hotshot accountant when he left the profession to embark on a music career. He was also a star basketball player and an honors student in college and his dad was a popular Dallas-area children's TV host called "Mr. Peppermint."

1. G.G. Allin
G.G. is just so hellishly vile, he makes the rest of these guys look like Sunday School teachers. He's also perversely fascinating, so if you can get through this, it's worth it to look him up and read more about his life story. But I can only do some straight reporting here because, honestly, I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to jump right in.

G.G. was infamous and vilified for his rancid, violent live performances. Throughout the course of his on-stage career, he bashed his own teeth out with a mike; took shits on stage which he then ate, smeared on himself and hurled at the crowd; punched people in the front row; regularly recieved blow jobs from female admirers during performances; once ate a soiled tampon; ran around on stage naked; and attempted to fuck roadkill that was thrown at him. Ironically (or not), he was born Jesus Christ Allin, dubbed by his deeply religious father who heard voices telling him his son would become a messiah (his mother later legally changed his name to Kevin Michael). He performed in a number of punk bands with such names as The Scumfucs, The AIDS Brigade, The Texas Nazis, The Drug Whores and Bloody Mess & The Skabs, usually causing riots and/or ending up in jail for various assault and obsenity charges.

G.G. rarely bathed and often suffered from blood infections, brought on from smearing his own shit over his scabbed and mutilated body, and decorated himself with childlike prison tattoos reading "Life Sucks" and "Fuck You". He announced that his greatest show would end when he committed suicide onstage, but his true end was met in a less dramatic fashion. In 1993, following a chaotic show with the Murder Junkies, G.G. fatally ODed on speedballs at the home of a guy named Johnny Puke. His funeral is legendary—G.G. appeared in an open casket, unwashed and covered in bruises, dressed in a leather jacket and jock strap bearing the legend "Eat Me", bottle of Beam at his side. Funeral-goers took his jock off, snapped dick pics, shoved pills down his throat and drew on the body with a marker. After all the debauchery, he was laid to rest at a pretty traditional gravesite—traditional except for the fans that regularly visit his grave and shoot up, jerk off, cut themselves, et al grody activities, in his memory.

EWWWW. Ug. Gag. Bleh. I need a bit of a mental palate cleanser, how about you? Go ahead and read the touching story of the German swan who fell in love with a swan-shaped boat. Isn't that cute?

1 comment:

Lola said...

I was eating so I couldn't read this post, but do I WANT to read this post?
I hate gross stuff-can't make it go away from my brain afterwards.
Can I just think about hot cabana boys serving me pina coladas?