I don't feel like blogging, but alien hand syndrome is making me

So I think I'm possessed or something. Help! It's freaking me out. My right hand keeps manically typing while my left hand chops at it with a meat cleaver. Like in "Dr. Strangelove"! Only not hilarious.

I guess it could be worse: at least I don't have jumping frenchman disorder, which causes people to freak the fuck out at the slightest surprise noise or movement. Or capgras syndrome, where you believe a close friend or relative is actually an imposter doppelganger attempting to pull the wool over the eyes of the world. Or acuphagia, which causes people to compulsively eat sharp objects.

Yeah, alien hand isn't too bad compared to those problems. However, I disturbingly seem to be developing new issues, as the following news items have caused strange afflictions to manifest in me throughout the last couple of weeks.

Celebrity obsession syndrome
So my fake boyfriend Eric Avery is now a member of Smashing Pumpkins. Please go see them and spend all your money on them, even if you don't like them, so Eric can get sufficient finances to fund his own projects and allow me to keep up my stalking habit. This police injunction stuff has been getting kind of expensive, not to mention time-consuming, but I think he secretly kind of likes it.

Tinnitis
It seems that the National Day of Slayer was a rousing success last Tuesday, especially in the Big Apple. Some surly, sullen teens defaced a Catholic seminary, prompting the fuzz to comment, "It's important that a strong message be sent out that this is wrong. It is really an assault on Christianity. I think it's a bias crime, I do. It wasn't done on a mall." Whoooo! Mission accomplished, Slayer Task Force! Satan himself also issued a statement, intoning, "I'm very pleased that these scumfucks vandalized religious imagry in the name of the greatest thrash metal band of all time. Take it from me, Satan himself: Slayer rulez! Be sure to race out and buy our new album Christ Illusions, due in stores in August. I mean, THEIR new album. This message is not actually being issued by Slayer. It's coming directly from me, Satan, the prince of darkness!" Besides vandalism, other suggestions for celebration included: "Stage a 'Slay-out.' Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer." and "Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot." How about this: my office actually had an on-site Slay-out. It was awesome—a violent mosh pit developed and a couple of the supervisors got tasered. We thought it went pretty well, but later found out that Slayer actually thought it was kind of uncool. Man, we were really bummed.

Narcissistic personality disorder
Last, and certainly least, Miss Britney sat down with Matt Lauer to discuss her fascinating life and revealed that she thinks she is "a good mom", that her marriage to the Great White Dope is "awesome" and that driving with a baby on your lap isn't a big deal 'cause her Daddy did it all the time with her when she was little, and she turned out OK. Even after that time when Daddy had to suddenly slam on the breaks and Bitty bonked her little head on the hard plastic steering wheel, and she just got knocked a little silly...it's not like the bruise was that big or anything. Pleasingly, the screenshots indicate that Brit is getting really chubby again and that she still doesn't know how to dress herself properly. And Matt has this anguished look stamped on his face that says, "Please, lord, take me now." I know how you feel, buddy. I know all too well.

Don't worry, I'm checking myself into a doctor's care right away. Since pretty much all of this falls under the category of "self-harm", I'd say I'm getting to a pretty dire stage.