I was all psyched up when I heard Mr. Blackwell released his yearly best and worst dressed list...not so much. He's stupid, but I really WAS psyched that my nemisis Princess Britney was named the number one worst dressed celeb in '05. Not that I'm anti-white trash (being white and a little bit trashy myself), but I don't have money pouring out of my butt with which I could buy pretty much any outfit I see in a store window. And I'm not considered a hot piece of ass by half of America (or maybe I am, who knows).
Anyway, the point is, if you have that much money and that kind of reputation you can at least give a little teeny, tiny semblance that, yes, you may be failing miserably, but you ARE trying. Even if you don't know Dolce & Gabbana from Deb, you've got money—hire a stylist to help you. At least have a little respect for the pre-teens with no parental guidance and the middle-aged paedos that use you for jack-off fodder. They spend money to see you as a sexpot. Don't just throw your ratty, falling-out extensions up into a sloppy top-of-the-head pony, a tie-front blouse, tie-dye peasant skirt and your favorite Uggs from '03 and just waltz on out to the Starbucks with your equally badly-dressed and sleazy husband slouching behind you calling everyone "dog." Oh, and that time that you went out with some kind of zit cream on your face that looked like you just starred in K-Fed's first bukkake film? Yeah, that was REALLY bad.
Because it's Britney, I actually like it. I hate her. HATE HER. Keep dressing like a blind prostitute, Brit-Brit. Everytime you get kicked down a notch an angel gets its' wings.
Also on the list was J-Simp, who I also hate. "Tee hee, it's funny to be stupid!" Yes, honey, keep "acting." In the meantime, hunky Nick can find himself a nice Ohio girl, like he should have in the first place.
Rounding out the top 10:
• Mary-Kate Olsen. OK, yeah, she always looks like a bag lady, but she's so little and tiny and frail and you can just put her and her little ragged dresses into your pocket and carry her around with you. And then you can pet her and feed her and love your little pet named Mary-Kate, the poor little moppet.
• Anna Nicole Smith. I call shenannigans...did Blackwell even see her this year? 'Cause no one else did.
• Eva Longoria. I don't really get this one, plus I actually like her. I think she is completely adorable, albeit completely overexposed. I think he just chose her because it's easy and he picked Nicolette Sheridan last year.
• Paris. Again, too easy.
• Lohan. I don't even know what kind of clothes she wears, because her hair is always completely perfect, but something else about her came out today that completely bugs me and it doesn't have anything to do with fashion. She's now claiming that Vanity Fair misconstrued comments she made about drug use and eating disorders in the article they did on her this month. Get over yourself, Lohan. Like anyone would believe either one of those things weren't true. And like any self-respecting professional journalist (especially for a reputable mag like VF) would inverview a star without recording it. Even Michael Jackson couldn't sue Vanity Fair about the article they did on him. Quit blaming journalists and live up to your mistakes, bitch.
• Renee Zellweger. I don't really get this, either. I don't really have an opinion on her, and I certainly don't have an opinion on her fashion choices. All I know about her from this year is that she married that country guy for a few weeks. And that she needs to eat a few sandwiches.
• Mariah. Give the girl a break. She's crazy.
• Shakira. I don't know much about her outifts, but I DO know is that I wish I had that bod.
Um, yeah, and Blackwell? WHERE ARE THE MEN?? Any one of these people could have easily been replaced by Federline.