Observations on last night's Golden Globes ceremony:
• I love Reese Witherspoon. She is so completely adorable and talented and I'm glad she won. Consequently...
• I hate Gwenyth Paltrow with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. That fake-accented, prep-school-snob, anemic bitch hates the U.S. so much, I'm shocked that she would fly over from perfect London to grace us with her presence, even if it is for the uber-classy Sir "ANT-ony" Hopkins. How can she leave her equally-anemic, annoying, untalented husband and "Apple" behind for so long? Dare I say she came back to suckle at the teat of the industry that made her a millionaire celeb? Oh, no, I shan't say anything like that.
• While looking for bad outfits is always one of my favorite parts of any awards ceremony, I think I might have to update to looking for bad boobs. Someone needs to tell these chicks how to properly lift and support! I'm talking to you, Drew Barrymore and Mariah Carey. Even Gwynnie learned something from that horrifying "chicken cutlets" incident. Drew looked worse than when she was on the speedball diet.
• Speaking of bad boobs: Pamela Anderson. Seriously. Why is is this woman considered hot? She looks like an aging drag queen. Just....ew. Ew, ew, ew.
• On the other hand, anyone who thinks Mary Louise Parker is hot is after my own heart. She is one sexy broad. And she won for playing a homemaking pot dealer. Sweet.
• Best acceptance speech: Steve Carrell (or, rather, his wife). Worst: Sandra Oh. Shut up already.
• Creepiest aging: Harrison Ford. Geesh, what's up with that guy? Maybe humping a skeleton makes you look like a escaped convict.
• If only Heath Ledger had won, he could have joined me, Joaquin Phoenix and Jonathan Rhys Meyers in the winners' orgy backstage. Oh, well, I think we can still give him a pass...
That's all. Back to the winners' orgy. Come on in, Heath...