1/09/2006

My favorite rock scandals

VH1 ain't the only one with a bunch of lists. I, too, enjoy lists and despite the fact that my opinion means a hill of beans for most, I will pretend it does and compile some here—because it's MY blog and I can do what I want, dammit. For my first list, I will present my fave rock n' roll scandals, because who doesn't love a little debased debauchery?

10. Jerry Lee Lewis Marries His 13-Year Old Cousin
Yeah, it's obvious and all, but even by today's standards, it's still pretty freaking shocking. Not only was Myra a little kid, but SHE WAS HIS FUCKING COUSIN. Pretty amazing that even though it turned the world against him then, his music is still considered classic stuff. 'Cause the Killer's killer. Even if he is a pedo.

9. John Bohnam Drinks Everyone (In The Whole World Ever) Under The Table
Arguably the greatest rock drummer ever goes to that big dive bar in the sky after drinking (OK, get ready) four quadruple vodkas, approximately 40 shots and assorted other poisons. Lightweight.

8. Judas Priest Kills People
Two stoners off themselves after listening to "Better By You Better Than Me" and it's all Rob Halford's fault. It actually goes to trial, but JP gets off and lives to rock another day. And hopefully doesn't to continue encouraging their audiences to kill themselves. Because that makes all kinds of sense.

7. Paul Is Dead (And He May Not Be The Walrus)
This one's fun because of all the absurd "clues" that led people to believe that the Beatles would rather have them guess that Paul is dead than just come out and say it. Seriously. Think about it. "Oh my God, when you play the song backwards it kind of remotely sounds like they may or may not be saying 'turn me on dead man'...that must mean Paul is dead!"

6. Pretty Much Anything Involving Jacko
Yeah, I know he's not rock. But admit it: whether you like the music or not, you'll stare at that gory car accident every single time it crashes into a tree. My personal fave is the unintentinally hilarious Neverland broadcast where he talks about the cops taking pictures of his junk. Priceless.

5. Nuge Adopts Girlfriend
The guy behind "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" becomes the legal guardian of a 17-year-old girl just so he can fuck her. Now that's rock.

4. Dave Mustaine Is A Whiney Bitch
It's not really a scandal—more of the most fucking embarrassing thing I think I've ever seen a so-called metal dude do. Dave participates in therapy with Metallica (which is pretty embarrassing in itself) and whines to Lars about how Metallica ruined his life when they kicked him out. When a band known as "Alcoholica" kicks you out because they think YOU are drinking too much, I think it's safe to say that there might be a little bit of a problem

3. Led Zepplin Goes Fishin'
In yet another quintessential rock moment, one of the Led Zep crew (possibly a band member, but more likely one of their roadies) inserts a mudshark/red snapper/crappie into a groupie's danger zone. May not have even happened. Paul was not actually dead, but I like to believe that this is one rock rumor that really happened, 'cause it's just too wonderfully sleazy.

2. Nikki Sixx Dies, Comes Back To Life, Shoots Up Again
Nikki is, in my opinion, the purest example of a true rock star for ODing, being pronounced legally dead, revived and then runs away from the hospital to shoot up the largest batch of heroin he's ever done. Now we know how he gets his hair that way.

1. Mayhem
The same country that brought us A-Ha also brings us possibly the biggest batch of nutballs in the whole history of crazy. You just know a band with members named Necrobutcher, Hellhammer, Euronymous, Dead and Count Grishnackh is going to deliver with some scandal. Oh, it's BEYOND scandal. Schizo drummer Dead buried his clothes for months so he could wear rotten rags onstage, kept a dead bird in a bag so he could smell it before shows and ended up killing himself by slitting his wrists AND shooting himself. When Euronymous came across the body, he took pictures of it—photos that later became the cover of Mayhem's "Dawn of Black Hearts" bootleg—then allegedly ate part of Dead's brain and chipped off pieces of his skull to make some lovely jewelry. THEN, for reasons that are not entirely clear, bassist Count Grishnackh stabs Euronymous 23 times and kills him. The Count, an outspoken facist and neo-nazi , is currently doing some hard time for sundry fun offenses, including arson against several churches, carjacking and a prison escape. So what's Grish up to these days? Using his time in jail to write a new album—just him and a synthesizer.
Um, yeah...it's only the best story ever.

1 comment:

chantal chanel said...

My favorite rock scandal...

the Axl Rose/Kurt Cobain/Cuntney fight at the MTV Video Awards. Too bad the cameras didn't get any of it.