I think I'm back in 1987. Suddenly, I'm sitting in my sunny yellow bedroom (plastered floor to ceiling with metal posters), listening to "Appetite" when suddenly my mom bursts through the door, looks around in disgust and announces, "Who do they think they are? Long hair and earrings!" before storming back out. She just didn't understand, man.
I thought I'd dedicate this post to those glory days back in 1987 when Steven Adler was still in GN'R, Metallica still had long hair and Headbangers Ball was still good. Here, I present my seventh-grade rock crushes, complete with super-sexxy pix torn straight from the pages of Bop and Metal Edge. Omigod, aren't they soooo cute?
10. John Taylor, Duran Duran
He's glammer than Simon, more brooding than Nick, slightly less drugged out than Roger, and a hell of a lot prettier than me. But seriously, what girl didn't want to do the entire band, even though they all wore more eyeliner than my entire seventh-grade class?
9. Brian Baker, Junkyard
I'm a little embarrassed to admit this one because, in retrospect, I have no idea why I found this guy hot. Maybe because he had blonde hair he reminded me a little bit of my No. 1 crush, perhaps? There's really no explaination. You should see him now—if you saw Jani Lane on Celebrity Fit Club then you get the idea.
8. King Ad-Rock, Beastie Boys
The Beastie Boys were originally a punk band, so he counts. He was such a little prep-school shit, with that whiney voice and his wild antics, when they first came out. Then he married ultra-cool Ione Skye, apologized for dogging chicks and grew out of the frat schtick. I had a fish named Ad-Rock when I was in sixth grade, but he didn't even live a week. However, my crush lives on—Ad-Rock is still totally rad.
7. Axl Rose, Guns N' Roses
I don't believe that cornrowed, facelifted, Botoxed creature that has been going around claiming to be Axl Rose is THE high-cheekboned, leather-clad, crab-walking sex god I remember from the "Sweet Child O' Mine" vid. When he started acting like a diva—not to mention and abusive dickhead—my crush died. But in my youthful innocence, I thought he was truly beautiful.
6. Reed Mullin, Corrosion Of Conformity
Reed has the distinct honor of being the only drummer on my list. Does anybody out there know whatever happened to him? I tried to 'net-stalk him and couldn't find any current info.
5. Brent Muscat, Faster Pussycat
Taime was the popular choice for lusters, but I preferred dark angel Brent, with his sultry eyes and dreamy smile. Plus, how can you not love a man who accidentally ripped a fan's prosthetic limb off thinking it was a mannequin's arm and proceed to play guitar, scratch his butt and high-five people with it?
4. Jason Newsted, Metallica
Remember when Jason had his hair shaved all around the sides and he would whip the remaining long hair on top around in a rock-out frenzy on stage? That was so awesome. (Thanks, Karen!) Despite all of James' and Lars' hazing and pranks, he came out of the Metallica experience with the most dignity—and he still looks pretty fucking good.
3. Nikki Sixx, Motley Crue
How could someone so vile, revolting and all-around bad be so loveable and adorable at the same time? Not to mention, he is virtually indestructible (see "My favorite rock scandals", No. 2).
2. Michael Hutchence, INXS
Once when I was in fifth grade, and I was at an age where I still thought guys were pretty grody, I saw a picture in US magazine of Michael Hutchence wearing nothing but a white towel and I remember thinking, "Wow, I really, really, really like boys." Back then, INXS was my favorite band and I even had an INXS t-shirt that had all the words to "Mediate" on it. How cool was I?
1. Duff McKagan, Guns N' Roses
Oh, Duff, beautiful Duff. How I loved you! When I was in seventh grade, I seriously thought I was going to marry him someday. Once he realized how supportive I would be and what a loyal fan I was, he would never want to look at another stripper again! Plus, I knew everything there was to know about him, including his drink of choice (screwdriver), his favorite movie ("A Clockwork Orange") and his birthday (February 5, 1964—I had to look that up to see if I remembered correctly; frighteningly, I did). I had about 50 posters of him, but my favorite was a fold-out with him standing and holding his white bass, wearing leather pants, a jean jacket and a ripped up CBGB shirt (before they were being sold at Urban Outfitters) and he looked SO! HOT! Once, my friend Shane kept telling me he would sell me his "Duff collage" for $5 and when I finally saw it, it was just a piece of notebook paper with a few pics of Duff slapped on it. I know he threw it together right before he left for school that morning! What a rip-off. Anyway, looking at Duff now, he's in good physical shape, but you can tell that whole exploding kidney thing really did a number on him. It's OK—I still have the memories of my number one rock star of 1987!