9/28/2006

BREAKING: Count's parole revoked!

So I was thinking about Halloween the other day and naturally my thoughts quickly turned to the eternal question, "What's Count Grishnackh doing for the big day this year?" Is Halloween a big holiday for white supremecists? It's hard to tell because not all nazis love satan. Anyway, it doesn't matter, because according to the Burzum website, Count is going to have to do his trick or treating in the hole again this year. That's right, it's official: poor Varg's parole has been revoked and he won't get another chance at freedom until April 2008!

Needless to say, I find this hilarious. I'm sure this latest monkey wrench in his plans to slink around in the woods of the north making his own soap and organizing some kind of Scando takeover will drive him to frantically scrawl more hysterical articles about the man keeping him down. In September alone, he's produced an entire series of articles entitled "A Bard's Tale" (which includes the aeonian "Ring of Andvari") and the soon-to-be-legendary narrative "Lords of Lies". Take a wild guess what that one's about.

The Count's latest personal crusade is against the impending film version of "Lords of Chaos". Here's the synopsis, straight from director Hans Fjellestad's website: "Set inside the notorious Norwegian Black Metal music scene of the early 1990s, this narrative feature follows a group of dedicated musicians and their charismatic figureheads—Count Grishnackh and Euronymous—as their art and music transform into real violence in the streets of Northern Europe. Amid escalating murder and mayhem, based on true events, this is the story of the rise and fall of two self-appointed Kings of Rock, with the heart of a Sam Peckinpah western. Shooting begins in late 2006 in Scandinavia."

While that sounds like all kinds of awesome to me, to the Grand Poobah of Persecution it's slander. The Burzum webmaster reports: "Varg Vikernes would like to state that a recently announced by the media film by Hans Fjellestad called 'Lords Of Chaos' is using Varg’s name and the whole Story without any permission. This movie is obviously going to be another piece of lies and utterly silly prejudices. Boycott this film instead of discussing it and spreading news about it all over the net, in case you wish to support Varg. Stop the Hollywood-dregs!"

Oops! Looks like I'm fueling lies and propaganda by discussing this film and spreading news about it all over the net! Just to be fair (and for kicks) I checked out "Lord of Lies" and my curiosity paid off, as it included this stellar assessment from the Count himself: "The newspaper headlines spell 'Film about the Count', 'Varg Vikernes goes to Hollywood' and so forth, but it's just a hoax; they misuse my (nick-)name to promote a film that obviously has nothing to do with me. They don't even base it on reality, but on the laveyish (from the name of Anton LaVey; the founder of the sorry "Church of Satan") lies of Michael Jenkins Moynihan and his idiot companion, Didrik Søderlind, the two satanic clowns responsible for 'Lords Of Chaos.' So, I will encourage everybody to sabotage this film and the production of this film by all legal means, and to simply boycott it."

Hey, everybody, let's have a sit-in! That's always an effective method of protest. And it's pretty much the only one available to Varg at the moment. HA! And what if the sit-in became a LOVE-in? Now that would really whip him into a frenzy.

Seriously, I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the other prisoners that are trapped in there with him. His constant bellyaching gives me a migraine and I'm not even on the same continent as he is. Maybe we should hold a drive to collect earplugs for the inmates of Tromsø Prison so they can carve their shivs and ferment wine in the toilet in peace. They must have the patience of saints there. Otherwise he would have been shanked within the first week.

As always, he signs off his articles with a quote that is supposed to make you think or something, and this edition's is: Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur (In the time of need you will learn who your friends are). Wait a minute, I think they said this on The Sopranos once.

2 comments:

Lola said...

"Varg Vikernes would like to state that a recently announced by the media film by Hans Fjellestad called 'Lords Of Chaos' is using Varg’s name and the whole Story without any permission. This movie is obviously going to be another piece of lies and utterly silly prejudices. Boycott this film instead of discussing it and spreading news about it all over the net, in case you wish to support Varg. Stop the Hollywood-dregs!"
Like, he's afraid someone will say something bad about him to ruin his reputation?

Lord Grimsmear said...

You see, the whole problem with keeping the other Lord G locked up is that now he has nothing to do with his time but write and engage in other dubiously-creative pursuits. Were he out on the streets, the lad would have to get a job. I doubt there are many Scandahoovian fry-cooks out there who have the time to compose ponderous paganesque propaganda by the ream. Even those who prefer to sit in a homemade shack in the northern woods howling and grunting into a tape recorder have to bring in the odd krone (spiked kneepads don't come cheap, you know).