This post is brought to you by Pete Doherty, bless his heart. Here he is smoking a tray.
Anyway, is it wrong that I'm kinda into that show "Intervention" on A&E? I don't know how I should feel about that. Maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know. But it's a good show. And sometimes you really hope that the addicts can pull it together. Other times, you kind of hope they are arrested and put away for the sake of the family. That's why I decided to try to organize a few interventions of my own—because for my sake, something needs to be done here. And as always, I like to try to make the world a better place, if and when I can.
The "CSI" Intervention
One look at the picture at right will tell you why this intervention is needed ASAP. Of course this picture is posed because we all know K-Fed would need the "special people" script with pictures, but sadly the rumors are true: Federline is going to guest star on "CSI" this season. Allegedly he's going to be playing some kind of gangster thug, a role that will force him to really dig, and this tells me that the writers of "CSI" are actually taking him seriously as a guest star; if they had any sense of humor at all, they would have made him a social services worker investigating child abuse or a priest or something. Talk about a jump the shark moment—this assjacker woodenly stammering his way through a scene where he must interact with studly investigators Nick Stokes and Warwick Brown. He may possibly be the worst "celebrity" guest star on a television show in history. It's worse than when Mr. Carlson from WKRP tried to molest Arnold and Dudley on "Dif'rent Strokes". Now, if he was guesting on "CSI: Miami" I wouldn't be so upset; he'd fit right in with all the other obvious idiots masquerading as scientists and whatnot.
While we're on the subject of talent-free rubes, you've got to see the ridiculous new intro to Mrs. Federline's website; it's totally hilarious. Make sure you have the sound on really loud, too—you'll think you're really in the skank jungle.
The Whoever-Keeps-Giving-Jessica-Simpson-Acting-Jobs Intervention
I think "Employee of the Month" has the potential to be the worst movie ever made, topping even my least favorite movie of all time ("Twins"). I think it might make "Beerfest" look like "Some Like It Hot" on the comedy scale. Let me guess what happens: Dane Cook plays a screwoff working at Wal-Mart who finds out the busty cashier, played by Simp-Simp, has a thing for the employee of the month, so he does whatever he can to win the title. Along the way, someone gets kicked in the balls, someone gets caught masterbating in the store, Jessica's boobs are mentioned ad nauseum, and Dane finds out that the object of his desire is actually has a heart of gold and he suddenly wants to get to know her and not just fuck her. Jessica finds out about the ploy and tells Dane to get out of her and her boobs' lives, but when he does something really dorky-sweet (most likely singing "I Want To Be Loved By You" into a mop handle while the photo lab guy surprises everyone with some kind of krunk dance routine) and wins her over. The happy ending also includes some kind of double entendre reference to Dane finally getting a handful of the two reasons Jessica Simpson is famous in the first place. Non-hilarity ensues.
The Ville Intervention
It pains me to write this. It pains me even more to see the pictures (and I won't post them because I prefer to remember him as he was), but our beautiful, beloved Ville is slipping away. A bad breakup and general consumption issues has caused him to balloon up Haim-style and deteriorate from dirty/sexy to a code red stankonia. This just tears me up inside. Ville, sit here between Lola and I, we have written letters to you. I'll go first:
For the love of all that's holy, get a fucking grip, dude. I'll get that weight off of you in two weeks. Saddle up.
Oh, weird...Lola's letter says the exact same thing! Just say the word and you'll be on a plane to our special treatment center. It's so exclusive that you'll be the only patient, and you'll get one-on-one rehabilitation unfounded in most facilities. Be prepared, it's going to be a rough journey. But it'll be the toughest experience you'll ever love. We promise!
For the record, I love Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. He has no eyes, yet he wears glasses. And he would make a better guest star on "CSI" than Federline. He's definitely a more believable scientist than Emily Proctor.