The VMAs: God, I feel old

Sitting here watching the MTV Video Music Awards, not only to I hate pretty much everything that's played but I have no fucking idea who 80 percent of these people are. And I don't even recognize the people I DO know. For example, when did Jordan Catalano become a sad little goth?

Anyway, I love nothing more than to make fun of awards shows, and the VMAs always provide the best fodder. Let's see if I can make it through the ceremony without putting my foot through the TV. I'll try, so I can provide my usual important observations.

• First off, who are these douchebags in the audience? Enough with the "WHOOO!" and the blatant misuse of the devil horn hand gesture ("The All-American Rejects" do, in fact, NOT rock and do not deserve the horns). I want these people tasered immediately.

• Christina Aguilara's husband must have the biggest penis in the whole world.

• Someone needs to put a stop to James Blunt. Not only does his music make kittens weep, he's also excruciatingly unattractive.

• Unfortunately, Jessica Simpson seems to have gotten her voice back. And she still can't read. By the way, I love that now that Ashlee has gotten a nose job and is quickly becoming "the hot one," her family ships her off to London to star on-stage in "Chicago". Get out of the country, you little mistake! Daddy needs some "alone time" with Jess.

• I'm going to have to do a fangirl post on "Jackass". I love "Jackass". I can't wait for the new "Jackass" movie.

• Who is this "Shawn White" person? He looks like Carrot Top and I don't like it.

• Ringtone of the Year? Are you kidding? And Fort Minor? Who the frig is that? And why in the world did he go on and on and on and on and on and on? For winning Ringtone of the Year?

• Sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world that hates Sarah Silverman. But I can't bring myself to hate Justin Timberlake and I don't know why. Maybe because he's bringing sexy back. And because he dumped Britney.

• Which brings me to Britney. My god. Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does—and it's thrilling! Tonight's appearance with her lovely hubby was reminicent of the Clampetts rollin' into Nu Yawrk Sittay trying to look purty for the pavarottis. Oh, but wait, it seems like they weren't REALLY in the Big Apple, but rather via satellite. Which is probably a good thing. Remember Brit's last trip to NYC?

• Thank god for OK Go, because they were the only thing about this whole debacle that didn't make me want to run into oncoming traffic. Oh, and Jack White! He was playing with The Raconteurs throughout the ceremony. He's still one of my boyfriends. And the drummer and bass player are from The Greenhornes—OK, so maybe I do know some of these people.

So for all you young kids, I bet you'll be suitably impressed when I tell you that I went to the VMAs the year they had all those guys dressed up as Eminem walk in. Remember that? I believe it was in 2001. Pretty cool, huh? OK, I didn't actually GO...I just stood outside. And when I say "outside" I mean like three blocks away. Pretty much the only thing I saw was a horrible performance from Linkin Park on the marquee of Radio City Music Hall. It totally blew. So, not so cool.

Well, I guess that means I am getting old, because things sure ain't like they used to be. Remember when Duff and Slash staggered onstage shitfaced to accept an award and it was this big huge deal that Slash said "fuck"? Gone are those days, my friend. Now it's de rigour. As are making weed and orgy jokes and saying "make some noise"! Maybe they should have some kind of a contest for a lucky MTV viewer: that person gets a nickel everytime someone says that, "how y'all doin' tonight", "give it up for [shitty performer or presenter]", or describes something as "amazing". And they get $100,000 if they don't fall asleep.