9/16/2006

This is what too much rocking can do to you

Do you know who this man is? Here's a hint: it's NOT Truman Capote. Here's another hint: you can take the wildest guess ever and it still won't be right. Are you ready for the answer?

IT'S ADAM FUCKING ANT!

Remember what he used to look like back in the "Goody Two Shoes", dating-Jamie-Lee-Curtis days? He was pretty hot, if I recall correctly. Time, the road and biopolar disorder (which, according to wikipedia, led him to wave a fake gun and threaten people in a pub) has caused this man to go from '80s coverboy to a pasty, doughy freakshow. Kind of interesting (read: chilling) to see how the mighty have fallen. This slideshow features then and now pics of music legends and one-hit wonders so you can see for yourself what happens when you live too much of the high life. For example: Bruce Springsteen? Not so bad. Gary Glitter? Holy fucking shit! I mean, he looked like a lunatic before, but now he's practically advertising "I'M INTO KIDDIE PORN". He should be jailed for life based on what he LOOKS LIKE he's up to in that "now" picture.

Some more vitally important observations:
• I'm not one to start rumors, but I think there is a decent possibility that Eddie Van Halen has been chasing a few dragons around, if you know what I'm saying. Jesus, that man looks bad. No wonder Valerie divorced him; I wouldn't want to wake up and see that thing drooling on the pillow next to me. And he looks like he's got really bad breath, most likely a combo of stale Kools, cough syrup and grocery store sushi.

• It's confirmed: Tom Petty is actually dead and his reanimated corpse is now walking around pretending to be alive Tom Petty and is only moments away from tearing the flesh off of some unsuspecting innocent. Watch out! But despite his return from the crypt, his hair is exactly the same as it used to be. Weird.

• Axl, Axl...my god, Axl. Suddenly he's out in public all the time again and it makes you wonder what was happening all that time he was living as a recluse and consulting psychics about if he should leave the house today. All that plastic surgery, all the godforsaken braided dreds. There's no more sense of mystery to Axl; the only question surrounding him now is how is it that Duff (whose kidney or liver or something fucking EXPLODED because of all his drinking) and Slash (who had to hired a guy to carry him around because he was always so wasted) both look better.

• Who has the more offensive caps—Hillary Duff, Gary Busey or Jon Bon Jovi? OK, OK, Busey wins because I think his are made out of wood, like George Washington, but the point is: why do people get caps that are pure white instead of a realistic tooth color? Teeth are not pure white! But they are also not pure black, Eddie Van Halen.

• I hate English-manor, horsemistress-chic Madonna.

• If Phil Collins ever needs a decoy when he's running away from fans trying to create a diversion, whatever, I have a suggestion:

All in all, good snarky fun, per usual. Check it out, mofos, and feel good about how you look. Oh, and also...FREE DOG!

4 comments:

Julie said...

holy crap, you are the funniest girl EVAH!!!

julie the mighty MOFO said...

you are the funniest girl ever!!

eddie has spent too much time runnin' with the devil...

Anonymous said...

To: S&C
From: Terry McGraw

--Adam Ant, in all his incarnations, looks like Edward Scissorhands, and, by extension, Edward Penishands.
--I detect a disturbing similarity between "before Eddie Van Halen" and "Now Metzger."
--Right on the money re: Phil "Can I Please Perform Your Next Sappy Soundtrack Hit, Disney?" Collins and that Muppets dude who's missing eyeballs BUT has glasses
--Has MC Hammer even had eyebrows?
--Bob Dylan's present coiffure resembles oatmeal;
--Paul Simon has hair like the Toilet-Paper Lady in Social studies
--Stevie Nicks is getting more action at 60-something than I am at 30

Anonymous said...

Eddie Van Halen was never good looking, but now he's a monstrosity. David Lee Roth is a spook as well. Hard living will do ya in, I tells ya. Adam doesn't look worked over hard and put away wet, though-just-matronly.
You know who's aged well? Freaking Bon Jovi. He must be drinking the blood of virgins. I'd do him, as long as he didn't make me listen to his music.
~XO L