Halloweenies

Because it's Halloween, which is incidentally my favorite holiday, it's the perfect time to spend a few minutes discussing costumes. And while I'm certainly a day late and a dollar short on this one, it never hurts to keep a few do's and don'ts in mind when planning a costume, especially if it's for work.

• DO exercise caution with the sexed-up-everything trend. Sexy kitty, sexy FBI agent, sexy punk rocker, sexy Swiss Miss...it doesn't matter what your age or size, for the love of god don't go overboard. If you're wearing a low-cut top, don't wear a mini. If you're wearing fishnets, choose boots over stripper heels. This applies to you, too, guys. The only thing worse than a guy "humorously" dressed in drag, is a guy who really sexes up the drag look. No one really wants to see your hairy chest poking out of the top of a corset or hot pants with a tea bag situation.

• DON'T mockingly dress up as someone you know. You will run into this person while you are wearing the costume, and they won't get it and you will then feel bad.

• DO be careful on timeliness of your costume. The following are acceptable for THIS HALLOWEEN ONLY and expire promptly on November 6.
-Brangelina and the kids
-TomKat and/or Suri
-The Croc Hunter
-Marie Antoinette
-Senator Foley
-Lohan

• DON'T dress as any of the following unless you want to look hopelessly outdated.
-Austin Powers/Dr. Evil/Fat Bastard
-Paris Hilton
-Any of the Clintons
-Napoleon Dynamite
-Any character from Saturday Night Live

• DO know that you are not the first person to come up with the "clever" idea to be a naughty nurse, a mammogram machine, a "one night stand", a pregnant nun, a porn star (wearing only a robe) or a pimp/prostitute couple.

• DON'T hesitate to dress up as a food product or food-related character. A grown adult costumed as a lime wedge, a beer bottle, a donut (here, in a policeman's hat for some reason) or Count Chocula is always super-hilarious.

• Pay special attention because this is the biggie. Whatever you do, please for the love of god and all that is holy DON'T WEAR A UNITARD!!!

If you have to come up with a new costume after reading these tips, it's probably for the best. You can thank me later. Happy day, you Halloweenies!!

The good, the bad and the fugly

The Stupid & Contagious Halloween coverage continues with possibly the scariest post ever! Today, we're talking about the ugliest men in rock. For the record I left Pete Doherty off the list because I don't think he exactly counts as a rocker these days since his priorities lie in transmitting germs to Kate Moss and passing out in poppy fields. Instead, room was reserved for people who are actively (and in some cases sadly) still working.

10. Keith Richards, The Rolling Stones
Don't get me wrong, Keith is the king of cool...and he should count his lucky stars that he's a guitar god, because he looks like an extra in "Night of the Living Dead." While the rumors of a blood replacement are unfounded, I wouldn't be surprised if Keith lived forever due to the vast amounts of formaldahyde coursing through his veins.

9. Justin Hawkins, The Darkness
The world does not need another Peter Frampton. And the world certainly does not need a Peter Frampton (with a touch of Michael Bolton) look-alike who regularly wears neon green, tiger-striped unitards cut down to the crotch. On top of looking like ass, he's also a moron; Justin recently left the Darkness because of a nasty cocaine habit (Gee, really? I thought he was born with that pale, shriveled physique...), and will no doubt attempt some kind of post-rehab comeback album and blame his record company for lack of marketing when it tops the charts at #52, sliding to #89 in week two, and then appearing on the Super Saver shelf for $5.99. Also of note: Justin is only 31, and based on this pic, it's only going to get worse.

8. Dani Filth, Cradle of Filth
You wouldn't believe the sheer amount of ridiculous pictures that exist of this guy. In nearly every one, he's in full goth regalia, hissing at the camera, licking fake blood off of his fingers, et al allegedly scary posturing. But with his pudgy little face, ratted frizzy hair and yellow teeth he looks more like Augustus Gloop gone whips and chains. Also, he's only 5'5", which may lend a little explaination to his whole preposterous schtick. I'm also kind of fascinated by how his mouth and chin area looks like that of a ventrioquist's dummy. Was that on purpose? I just don't get it.

7. Scott Stapp, Creed
Because being a great big self-involved douche who has done more to ruin rock music than even number one on this list is very unattractive. In fact, I think the word "douche" was invented just for him—it's so fitting. And THAT HAIR! Ug! The onion ring basket at Burger King is less greasy.

6. The Gallagher brothers, Oasis
With their bowling-ball heads, grouchy expressions, and matching monobrows that even Bert from Sesame Street would find offensive, these mumbling, constantly-at-war siblings can give Pete Doherty and Chris Martin a run for their money as the most inexplicable Brit sex symbols.

5. Ace Frehley, KISS
It's quite a feat to be regarded as the ugliest member of KISS, and also to have the worst stage costume in the whole band. It was a tough call between Ace and Vinnie Vincent, but Ace takes it because of his mashed potato-like complexion which you can still see even when he is in full makeup. These guys had the right idea with the whole hidden faces thing; too bad it didn't last.

4. Lemmy Kilmister, Motorhead
Another of the classic ugly metal dudes. Lemmy looks like a hard-drinkin' redneck under house arrest in a rusted trailor with chickens and babies wearing only diapers running around in the front yard. And despite having Manson-esque bug eyes, unkempt "Deadwood"-style muttonchops and those enormous boils on his face, Lemmy allegedly gets more ass than the entire band of Motley Crue combined.

3. Mick Mars, Motley Crue
Poor Mick. I feel kind of bad making fun of him because he's got some kind of degenerating disease, but that is one unfortunate-looking man. The worst was when he grew out some kind of fu manchu-style mustache and then shaved off the portion under his nose. The resulting look is hard to describe—it was like a hybrid of a lobster (or some other crustacean with antennae-like eyes), a lemur and Emperor Ming from "Flash Gordon". On top of it all, the poor guy had to stand next to the other three guys, especially the babealicious Nikki, which only served to make him look like he was really their sleazy manager and not actually part of the band.

2. Shane McGowan, The Pogues
This photo makes me want to vomit. You can practically smell him through the computer screen. What you can't see in this pic is that his fingertips and nails are a putrid yellowish-brown from nicotine stains. I'm sure the floor below him is also coated in vomit, just because it seems like it would be. Good lord, I can't even look!

1. Chad Kroeger, Nickelback
Someone online said this about Chad: "My five-year-old cousin saw him on TV one day and started screaming." Bingo. But at the same time you can't stop staring at him because his head is fucking huge. Have you ever seen a larger, more grotesquely misshapen noggin before in your life? It's like one of the Easter Island heads. And like Scott Stapp, his douchebaggery makes this mess even worse. Like if he wrote the next "Sgt. Pepper's" it might not be so bad. But instead he's he lyrical mastermind behind "Feelin' Way Too Damn Good". Bad music, bad lyrics and a chillingly bad face are inexcuseable in my book, and thus Chad has the distinct honor of being number one.

One bad omen

I'm still delirious over the fantabulous Eric Avery news that has transpired over the last week, and I am completely unforgiving to anyone or anything that tries to rain on my happy little parade.

Offender numero uno: the remake of The Omen. I know I said I was going to avoid this movie like the plague, but with Halloween coming up and all, I broke down and thought, "Eh, it's probably better than 'I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer'." But as it turns out, I was right all along and should have heeded my own advice. To quote directly from my own post:

"Don't go see it; I saw the preview and it looks really bad. They got some ugly overacting brat with a bowl haircut to play Damien. There's no way this unattractive moppet can deliver as creepy a performance as little Harvey Stephens in the original 30 years ago."

In what should not come as a surprise to anyone, herein lies the backbone of the problem of this movie, however the issue is not overacting. Seamus Davey-Fitzpatrick, best known for his scene-stealing turn as "Boy in Restaurant" on the "A Women's Right to Shoes" ep of "Sex and the City" is quite possibly the most lifeless, uncharismatic child actor I've ever seen. His menacing "Damien look" just makes him look like a kid that was just told he's not leaving the table until he finishes those lima beans, mister. His pulseless, droid-like line delivery was excruciating, even though he only had about five lines in the whole movie. And whoever gave him that haircut should be slapped. Raise your hand if your childhood was ruined by a bad bowl cut that mom gave you over the sink.

Even though the movie was done pretty much scene-for-scene like the original, the scare factor was less than zero. Even the dog-in-the-mom's-grave scene (my number nine scariest movie scene ever) was ridiculously unscary. The priest impalement scene was actually laughable. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and opted to watch "Flavor of Love" reruns for hours instead.

One thing I did enjoy was the inspired choice of Mia Farrow as nanny/satan's cheerleader Mrs. Baylock, even though she now looks like the mom from "The Wilderness Family" (does anyone else remember that movie?)—that's her in the picture above creepily feeding strawberries to Bowl Cut. She actually gave off the only creeptastic vibe of the whole movie. But the amended scene where she kills Mrs. Thorn was a horrible addition—not seeing exactly what happened, just her flying out the window, made this scene far more terrifying in the original.

I don't know what I expected. Another "Hostel"? Yeah, right! I'd like to see a more fucked-up movie than that. Or not. BTW, I was pleased to see that Bravo chose the same scene that chilled my bones in "Hostel" as their number one scary movie moment of the year. I was right, I was right! I'm so awesome, it's not even funny. And from what I've read, another "Hostel" movie is in the works, this time with girls, including Bijou Phillips and Heather "Weiner Dog" Matarazzo. Good god, I don't know if I can take it.

BREAKING NEWS: Eric Avery has a blog and a solo album!!!

Stop the presses, forget about Red Warszawa...this news trumps even a Count update: my favorite musician, hero, and fake boyfriend Eric Avery has started a blog, right here on Blogger! And he even used the same layout as me...that's soooo cool.

But wait, there's more! He's also finished his solo album! I can hardly wait! This is the best news I've heard today. All this stuff about Lindsay Lohan getting served and Tara Reid's bad plastic surgery has been getting me down, but now I feel much better!

I've added Eric's blog to my links menu. So how cool is it that when someone looks for blogs that link to Eric Avery's blog, Stupid & Contagious will pop right up?? How can you not love a man who says, "i grew up in a liberal household and have always led a lifestyle surrounded by liberals and therefore grew up with the belief that conservatives eat their children." He's so awesome!

Wait a minute. I just thought of something. What if he decides to take a look to see who is linking to his blog and sees all the creepy, fawning things I've written about him? Oh god, how embarrassing! But at this point, I don't even care because I'm so excited...hurray for Eric!

Red Warszawa ærgre sig gul og grøn!

That means "Red Warszawa kick themselves"—in Danish! Doesn't it look funny? What a stupid-looking alphabet!

I'm totally kidding, of course. I'm quite charmed by the Danish language (alcohol is "alkohol"!) and by the Denmarkians (Danes?) themselves. In fact, my new favorite band is from Denmark: the aforementioned Red Warszawa. Why? Several reasons, all involving alveolo-palatal fricatives, uvular fricatives, As with little circles over them and Os with lines through them. So cute!

1. The band members:
"Lækre" Jens (SANG)—translation: "Hot/Sexy" Jens
Måtten Møbelbanker (SLAGTØJ)
My Tight Ass (BASS GEDDAR)
Heavy-Hennin (GEDDAR)

There have also been 21 other members of the band since their start in 1987. On "geddar" and other instruments. By the way, My Tight Ass is pictured above in his stage outfit. Based on this photo (and that his name is My Tight Ass), you can't tell me this band isn't all kinds of kickass.

2. "Norsk Black Metal"
I actually discovered these guys when I was trying to dig up some hilarious black metal goodies on YouTube and this video popped up. Well, just watch it...


3. Just look at the names of these songs:
• Skyd Sven ("Shoot Sven")
• Hævi mætal og hass ("Heavy Metal and Hash"
• Skal vi lege doktor? ("Want To Play Doctor?")
• Tysk hudindustri ("German Skin Industry")
• Return of the Glidefedt ("Return of the Personal Lubricant")

There is a tantalizing lack of info on Red Warszawa at my disposal, which makes me all the more intrigued.

The 13 scariest movie scenes ever

So as I was getting ready to post this, I discovered this kick-ass list of the 100 scariest movie scenes on RetroCRUSH. It's awesome and all, but it totally looks like I copied!! I swear I didn't! Anyway, here is my list and I hope it doesn't bring back any bad memories. Let me know what movie scenes made you want to pee your pants (and then proceed post-haste to RetroCRUSH for more cool Halloween stuff, including hilarious pics of the worst costumes of all time—come on, you know you want to be Small Wonder)!

Oh, and don't forget to check out my picks at RockitQueen Gold or the flying monkeys will get you! Seriously, you don't want those things pawing at your window while you're trying to sleep.

13. "Rosemary's Baby": "What have you done to his eyes??"
But, Rosemary, your baby has his father's eyes! Because his father is the Prince of Fucking Darkness, not John Cassavetes! And your sweet little neighbor Ruth Gordon is a satanist! And if you can't beat them, you must join them. Shudder...

12. "Hostel": "Be careful—you could spend ALL your money in there!"
OK, I'm going to say it fast: basically, Jay Rodriguez's character escapes from this "killing factory" where people can pay money to torture and kill kidnapped backpackers and a guy that is getting ready to "partake" says this. Good god, I can't even think about it. Of all the shit that went down in this twisted movie, THIS is the moment that bothered me the most.

11. "The Wizard of Oz": Closeup of the Wicked Witch
Dorothy is trapped in the witch's castle and begins wishing for home. Suddenly, sweet little Auntie Em appears in the witch's crystal ball calling out to Dorothy. Next thing you know, the hideous green pointy face of the witch appears and the camera zooms in disturbingly close to her horrible, cackling mug! Everyone in the audience then ceremoniously craps their pants.

10. "The Ring"/"Ringu": Well girl walks through the TV
I've been told I'm a total loser for thinking this was scary. Maybe I am, I don't know. But when the well girl climbed out of the TV and crawled toward that guy I literally backed away from the screen. Well, what if she had climbed through MY TV screen?? And then I watched the original version and, even though I knew what was going to happen, I did the exact same thing.

9. "The Omen": Damien's mom's a dog
Gregory Peck and David Warner need to find the truth about that little freakshow Damien's background, and they track down the grave of his real mother and dig it up. Of course, the cemetery is old and decrepid and there are a whole bunch of rottweilers hanging around foaming at the mouth. What do they find when they finally pry open the crypt? A DOG SKELETON! Imagine the "Psycho" knife-stab music, and you've pretty much got it.

8. Some B-movie that scared me when I was a kid
Yeah, yeah, I'm a total wuss, and this proves it. I once saw this film on one of those Sunday matinee, crappy B-movie shows and I don't remember the name of it, but I will never forget two scenes that scared the shit out of me. The female lead was being harrassed/stalked by some unknown assailant and at one point he locked her in a sauna, which I found highly disturbing, and then he PUSHED A TAILOR'S DUMMY ON HER WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING, which made me nearly pass out because I hate, hate, hate headless mannequins. Shut up.

7. "Deliverance": Squeal like a piggy
Need I say more?

6. "The Silence of the Lambs": Clarice in Buffalo Bill's basement
It's all fun and games until the rookie FBI agent descends into the underground lair of a ghoulish serial killer to put a stop to his crime spree and save his latest victim. It's a seriously, seriously tense and disturbing movie moment that makes you feel as if you yourself are entering Buffalo Bill's world.

5. "The Changeling": That frigging mini wheelchair!!
If you haven't seen this one, it's actually a very good '70s-era ghost tale, starring George C. Scott with some excellent scares, the worst of which is this terrible wooden child's wheelchair that just happens to show up here and there and sometimes randomly hurtles itself down the stairs at George.

4. "Se7en": Sloth/Lust
After I saw this movie, I couldn't sleep for a week, as I alternately kept thinking of the "knife suit" that served as the completely fucked-up "Lust" killing and the living "Sloth" victim rocketing up into Morgan Freeman's face and coughing. Yeesh.

3. "The Blair Witch Project": The house with the handprints
Yep, I was one of the people that was laying on the floor of the movie theater during this one because I was so scared. The worst part was at the very end when the two remaining filmmakers ran into the abandoned house (why do they always go in??) and as they are dashing up the stairs, you see what appear to be bloody handprints all along the walls. And thank god that was the end because I was about to hightail it out of the theater at that point anyway.

2. "Dumbo": Drunken elephant dream
Jesus Christ, I still can't think about this without getting creeped out. Who put this fucked-up shit in a so-called children's movie? First of all, Dumbo GETS DRUNK, which is messed up to begin with, and then starts hallucinating about these blank-eyed pink elephants. They get big and then small! They turn plaid! Their trunks turn into trumpets! They march and loom! The mere thought of it still makes my skin crawl. By the way, way to go, Disney, on that one. I wonder how many kids turned to a life of drug and alcohol abuse after viewing that scene. Just say no, kids! (Aside: I can't believe RetroCRUSH also picked this for their list, because I seriously thought I was the only person whose childhood was warped by this scene. I'm glad I'm not the only one, but I'm also a little bummed that someone else thought of it first. Hmph.)

1. "The Exorcist": The spider walk
This scene was cut from the original movie because it so bothered the test audiences, but was added back in to the re-released version a few years ago. Ellen Burstyn's character thinks her daughter might possibly be possessed but no one believes her—until her daughter does a backbend and creeps down the stairs on her fingertips! It's so unbelievably chilling, you'll want to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb (not that I did that or anything...). Wait until you hear this: according to iMDb it's REAL. Yes, that's right: a contortionist was brought in, dressed as Linda Blair and then literally executed this totally unnatural and fucked-up maneuver. My god, I'm getting scared just writing about it!

Mama, we're all crazy now

First order of business: the new changes at Stupid & Contagious. Against my better judgement, I've started a new blog. RockitQueen GOLD is allegedly going to be a weekly list of music on my radar. Why? Because the world is dying to know! And I'd like to try to spread the word about some bands I like, since I hate pretty much everything on the radio. Let me know what you think, good and bad. If anyone cares at all, it will totally make my day. I've updated my links list to include this fabulous new way for me to waste some more time.

Speaking of the links list, you may notice another change has taken place in that area of the blog. I have removed the link to Pink is the New Blog, and not because I don't like the site. In fact, I love it! But lately the webmaster Trent has been saying too many nice things about Britney, and it's irritating. So this my way of sending a message that I don't like it...take that, Trent!

With that out of the way, let's get down to today's hot button topic: "House of Carters", aka the new best show on TV. If you haven't seen this sparkling gem, here's the gist: Backstreet Boy Nick Carter moves his 18-year-old pop tart brother and three sisters into his house in an attempt to salvage what's left of their dysfunctional family. In this nutshell, it sounds simple enough. But if you've ever wondered what it looks like from the inside when white trash wins the lottery, this mess puts you smack dab in the middle of the double wide.

Let's meet the Carter kiddies, shall we?

• Nick—dated Paris Hilton, yet still seems to be the most rational, pulled-together sibling.

• Bobbie Jean (BJ)—wants to be a chef; lights cig off of gas burner and smokes while cooking; probably drinks the cooking sherry and sundry other marinades; drinks ALOT.

• Leslie—thinks she's going to be a singer; had a single called "Like Wow!" on the Shrek soundtrack; first album scrapped because her label didn't think she could compete with Britney and J-Simp.

• Aaron—"pop star" and the guy that Lohan and Caps Duff supposedly got in a big fight over; legally emancipated from his mom, after alleging that she had bilked more than $100K of his earnings; recently broke off a one-day engagement to Playmate, saying "I got caught up in the moment and proposed. I then realized it was a hasty thing to do, and I am not ready for marriage quite yet".

• Angel—Aaron's twin; thinks she's going to be a model (let's ask Tyra about that); currently in an all female trio called TKO (Total Knock Outs).

You can probably guess what the big issue is here: Nick has a bunch of money, and all the others want it. In the first ep, Crazy Mom Carter calls Nick whining that she's siiiiick and in the hospiiiiital and neeeeeeds moneeeeeeey. Nick wants proof that she is really sick because she's cried wolf before, prompting his loving siblings to immediately jump down his throat and call him selfish and stingy. "I love her more than anyone in this house does!" one screams. "He has millions of dollars and he can't help her out?" another shrills. "My heart is beating out of my chest, that's how big my heart is!" shrieks Aaron (but that might be another problem, as we'll discuss later). Nick gives in to all the bitching and sends CMC money and soon gets the not-at-all-surprising news that she was spotted at a bar sporting brand new extensions and buying rounds. Klassy! Lather, rinse, repeat.

If that's not enough, Nick also has to deal with the hellishly unattractive Aaron, who seems to be a bit of a tweaker. I'm not starting any rumors or anything, but if he's not doping, he is one WEIRD dude. First of all, he weighs about 15 pounds and has scabs on his face the size of pepperchinis. Second, he "likes to work at night." Third, he dances like a crackhead. And finally, he actually said this: "I've got people who need music and I've got money to make. It's grind time for AC." If those are not the words of a dope fiend, well then, we have bigger problems than we think.

The highlight of the first episode features a smackdown between Nick and Aaron where Nick screams at the top of his Backstreet lungs that Aaron took Paris out after he dumped her, took a pic of her with his camera phone and left it in Nick's car. After the fight they all ask for Xanex.

I never in my life thought I would ever say anything remotely resembling something like this, but here goes: I feel sorry for Nick Carter. He's desperately trying to help these yahoos and get them to act like a family, and they are all for it if it gives them a shot at tapping into Nick's fortune. This season, the girls threaten to cut each other, Nick says, "I'm not your dad, I'm your brother—respect me as your brother!" about 863 times, and Aaron goes to the ER. Yee-haw, can't wait!

A "Jackass Number 2" review in haiku

Fade in; foggy street
the boys emerge followed by
really pissed off bulls

Then mayhem ensues
in a variety of
funny/gory forms

Dick brand on Bam's ass
Dunn's balls stuck to an ice block
Naked Wee Man, too

Anacondas in
a kids' ball pit..."they
tried to kill Ice Cube!"

Fishhook through the mouth
Leech on the eyeball and more
What won't Steve-O do?

What happens when you
put a rocket launcher on
a shopping cart...hmmm...

Old people body parts
created out of rubber
then dangled freely

Grandpa gets kid drunk,
lights him a cigarette and
tells stoner: "Piss off!"

Satan flies out of
a sewer; screams "Keep god out
of California!"

A horse is milked and
I very nearly puked but then I
thought, "Fuck Art, Let's Dance"

All in all, truly brill
and worth it just for the big
dance number finale

My biggest fear was
a cameo from J-Simp.
No such "luck", thank god

They will never beat
the toy car up the ass stunt
from the first Jackass

It's still "a joyful
celebration of the depths
of degredation"