3/18/2007

The 2nd Annual Stupie Awards!

When I handed out the first-ever round of Stupie awards last year, I was thrilled to receive my first piece of hate mail a few days later. You may recall that someone known only as "cameron_frye" accused me of being unfair and uninformed in my snarky assessment of former GN'R guitarist Buckethead. Honestly, I was really excited that someone cared enough to bitch me out, and I feel kind of bad that I suggested that cameron_frye was actually Buckethead himself. I didn't really think that, and I was truthfully hoping to incite him into a good-natured Buckethead debate that could have dragged on to bore everyone for weeks or even months. No such luck; cameron_frye was off in Egyptland or something because I never heard from him again.

Then, months and months later, I got a second piece of hate mail in which I was informed that I am "the dumbest person to ever create a blog" and told to "get a fucking life" by and anonymous reader for live-blogging the David-Blaine-in-a-fishbowl stunt. Whoever this person was didn't stick around long enough for me to completely agree that, yes, I am a dumb bitch, and I totally DO need to get a fucking life. If anything, I strive to take responsibility for my actions and blogging that godawful, soul-sucking event was probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever done to date. Well, except that one thing, but that's not important right now...

The point is that I hope that everyone will continue to leave comments for me because I enjoy hearing what you have to say, good and bad. And if there is anything that's just screaming out for commentary/ridicule from readers it's the 2nd Annual Stupie Awards! Feel free to use the comments section to agree, disagree, add awards, call me a dumb bitch, whatever. This is a safe place and a free speech zone. The only rule is that we only make fun of those who deserve it. Now, on to the awards...

• Cutest •
Poor, poor Ville. Due to his post-breakup slag period, he has been knocked out of contention for this coveted Stupie for '06. Don't worry, we still love you, Ville, but this year, the prestigious award goes to resident CNN hunk Anderson Cooper! There—I've said it. And I'm not ashamed! When he's not dodging missles in a war zone or tied to a tree to report during a hurricane (because he's dedicated), he's doing unheard of things such as researching the people he's interviewing and developing thoughtful and relevant questions that CNN viewers really want answers to. And then there was the time that he was interviewing Jeff Corwin while holding a cute little three-toed sloth and it took several hours for me to rematerialize after melting into the floor. Oh my god. I can't even talk about it. (And, yes, I realize that he is most likely not playing for my team, and the fact that he never talks about it makes him even more intruiging. And if you had seen that three-toed sloth thing, I'm telling you, the guys reading this would be celebrating, too.)

• Coolest •
I'm totally going to lose my rock credibility on this one, but Gwen Stefani is just the bestest! It's been a great year for Gwen. She had another hit record. She's a mommy to the cutest baby around. She and Gavin seem to have a refreshingly drama-free relationship (at least any drama is kept out of the public eye). She wears the awesome outfits. Bottom line: Gwen kicks hella ass.

• Most Annoying •
Sorry to keep bringing this tool up, but it's gotta be Pete Wentz. Note to Pete: NO MORE NUDITY FROM YOU! A little piece of me dies every time I log on to Pink is the New Blog and there you are showing us your stunted, sad little emo boy physique. No one wanted to see you naked in the first place. Also, you have the dumbest tattoos I've ever seen. Please have them removed immediately.

• White Trashiest •
I'm retiring Britty from this category because obviously it's going to be her every single time (and we can't have her win in more than one category, either...oops, spoiler!). This year's winner is Posh Spice, and I mean this nicely. I'm completely fascinated by the whole concept of chavs and charvers in the UK, and I think she is the queen bee of this little subculture. She's such a robot and she's always dragging her cute kids around dressed in Burberry hoodies and she named one of her kids after the place where he was concieved and she's always shopping while wearing huge sunglasses and she weighs about two pounds and has the fakest boob job ever and she seems like kind of a royal bitch (but in an amusing way) and she and Becks are this nouveau riche/gaudy/trashy-but-totally-loveable couple and I kind of want those crazy kids to make it. I hope that makes sense.

• Best Reality Freak •
You may think our winner is Real World Key West's Paula, but you would be wrong. Edging her out by a small margin is Tyra Banks. Mark my words: that bitch is crazy. Anyone who watches America's Next Top Model (which I totally need to write about one of these days) can tell you that each season she seems to slip away from logic and reason a little bit more. The first indication of her descent into madness was when she screamed at a model who didn't cry enough when she got voted off the show. Then she went ape shit to a most embarrassing degree on her talk show over, of all things, Vaseline. Her svengali-like attitude, horrible attempts at comic relief and questionable Oprah obsession makes me believe that while Janice Dickinson was considered the crazy one on the ANTM panel, Tyra is simply much more calculating and, therefore, a far more dangerous psychotic. Plus, that gigantic weave she's sporting of late leads me to believe that she's transforming herself into Gossamer from Looney Tunes, after Bugs did his hair in dynamite curlers.

• Song of the Year •
So I didn't keep up with my music blog. I perfectly happy blathering on in my own mind about rock and rock-related topics, and I'm sure eventually I'll update it when I feel particularly inspired by something. But anyway, I sort of covered this topic a few weeks back when I discussed the Blender Noisemaker awards, and just to reiterate, I still stand behind Deftones' "Cherry Waves" as my favorite song of the year. It's what modern metal should be.

• Lamest Song of the Year •
"You're Beautiful", James Blunt. If I hear that whiny bullshit one more time, someone's getting tasered. Chino could totally kick that guy's ass.

• Best Movie •
Nothing made me laugh harder or cringe more than "Borat". Runner up: "Little Children", featuring the highly-anticipated comeback appearance of me and Jon's favorite former child star Jackie Earle Haley.

• Worst Movie •
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that, even though I didn't see any of them, it's a pretty sure bet that it's either "Employee of the Month", "Norbitt" or "Wild Hogs." But the worst movie I saw was "Domino" for much less cool then it thought it was. First, we had wooden "starlet" Keira Knightly as a model-turned-bounty-hunter for the T&A factor (which would have been fine, had she possessed any T or A). Then we had Mickey Rourke, who looks as if he's wearing a Leatherface-style mask of his own former face, and made me want to hide under my seat. Then there is this whole reality show subplot that could have been much better, but just seemed sort of tacked on at the last minute for comic relief. I actually had high hopes for some mindless fun, but it nearly turned deadly, as my brain hasn't fully recovered from mild stroke brought on from all the quick cuts and flashing shit.

• Freakiest •
The mannequin-esque John Mark Carr, who oozed out of the limelight almost as quickly as he slunk into it. What freaks me out the most is the eternal question: what exactly does a person have to do to get thrown out of THAILAND? Don't tell me! I have delicate sensibilities. And I'm sure it's something none of us have ever heard of anyway. Can you believe that guy was a teacher and a freaking NANNY? One look at him would have sent me running for the number of my local FBI field office. I thought the guys on the Dateline "To Catch a Predator" series were a bunch of creepy weirdos, but I think even those guys would be avoiding eye contact with Carr.

• Most Morbidly Fascinating •
I'm almost embarrassed of the degree to which I have been entertained by "The Surreal Life" and "Flavor Of Love". "TSL" has actually caused me to completely change my opinion on people; for example, Steve Harwell of Smash Mouth used to be one of the victims of my dream tour bus crash (along with Mark McGrath and Coldplay), but has been officially removed from the list after his appearance on the show because he seemed like a really cool, nice guy. Plus, the list of classic scenes is endless: Mini-Me drunk, nude and peeing on the floor; Tawny Kitaen's coke-fueled ramblings; Ron Jeremy striking up an unlikely friendship with Tammy Faye Bakker; Flavor Flav and Brigette Nielson's grotesque flirtations. And speaking of Flav, how about his search for romance on "Flavor of Love"? I mean the whole thing is just such a beautiful hot mess that you really just have to see it to believe it.

• Why Is This Person Considered Hot? Award •
It utterly baffles me that Pete Doherty (a.) continues to somehow being an inspiration to the London fashion scene, (b.) manages to stay out of long-term prison despite having a record that makes Jan-Michael Vincent look like a pillar of society, and (c.) dates uber-cutie Kate Moss and earns an award as Britain's Sexiest Man. Just take a look at that picture and, after you've returned from throwing up in the bathroom, please explain it to me. As for the gals, Pamela Anderson, who looks more and more like an aged drag queen every year, has mystified me for years. Don't get me wrong: I thought she was a good sport in "Borat" and, yes, she's all plastic and Playboy-perfect, but to me she's kind of like a Fergie...nice bod, but what the fuck is up with that mug? And why do Playmates always completely shave off their eyebrows and then crayon them back on?

• Hindenburg Award •
I can't retire Britney from this one yet because her descent into madness has been so utterly perfect. I couldn't have even imagined anything more fabulous and fulfilling. This year, I'm eagerly anticipating her attempt to return to the stage with a whole new look and a bunch of deep, spiritual songs she wrote in rehab. I predict that while she thinks she'll be accepted with open arms she will be shocked to learn that no one cares anymore, much like Michael Jackson. She'll keep churning out the pop pabulm like he does but with no update from her last hit record. And then her sister Jamie-Lynn will become America's newest sweetheart and it's going to be just like "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane", and hopefully with the makeup.

• Stupid & Contagious Person Of The Year •
For unending positivity The Pixy is my winner for the year! While the whole "manchild" thing is more than slightly disturbing, in this year of meltdowns, downfalls, divorce and debauchery, the Pixy continues to warm my rotting little heart with his generosity, acceptance and unapologetic wearing of unitards. Essentially, the Pixy is harmless, like Norway. Norway can't help it that it just so happens to be the birthplace of soulless cannibals, killers and arsonists. It is what it is, and that's the way we love it, just like the Pixy.

Congrats to all of this year's winners! And, Anderson, I'll see YOU at 10...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for mentioning John Mark Carr--I hadn't thought about him in a long time! You have such an amazing grasp on everything pop culture, rockitqueen!

RottweilerTOM said...

Anderson needs a few steaks (in one setting) for dinner with a potato and LOTS of butter...

My ex-bf went on a pre-cnn date with him and said he has the worst breath..but then again my bf is a particular bitch

The Yellow Dog Speaks said...

Wow!
So many words!