BREAKING: Everyone's an indigo!

I hope that after reading my recent post about indigo children that you didn't walk away from your computer suddenly feeling bad about yourself because you wished you were special, too. You ARE special! In fact, according to this article, we're all so fucking extraordinary that human beings as we know them are going to be rendered obsolete. We're on the road to becoming the extreme species! Kind of like how freestyle moguls is extreme skiing, or how Jolt is extreme pop. In fact, there is going to be so much high performance shit going down that we'll be lucky if the whole world doesn't just blow up.

Speaking of blowing up, your ego is going to be out of control when you find out that every single person has the power inside to be an indigo. Yes, it's true! Indigos don't just come in kid-size, adults can be just as obnoxious and entitled by using unprovable pseudoscience as an excuse for their douchebaggery! According to the web page above, it's all a matter of tapping into the hidden power of your own DNA. Here's the pitch: "Imagine if you woke up one morning and realized that you had dormant superhuman abilities that were waiting to be unleashed. That once you activated these abilities, you could manifest anything you desired in your life, live a life without drama, create your ideal physical body, become immune to all dis-ease [sic], and REVERSE the aging process. Imagine if you realized that you could actually change your blueprint of life, your DNA, to enable you to expand your creative potential, provide access to your subconscious mind, and become intuitive, clairvoyant, and know instantly what your purpose is in life."

After you've finished having a laughing fit and picked yourself up from the floor, prepare yourself for what comes next: the claim that humans are only using "3 percent of our two-strand DNA" causing us to live in a world "where people are sick, unhappy, stressed out, create wars, have difficulty experiencing love, and are totally disconnected with the universe." The solution to all these problems is simple: all you have to do is use 100 percent of your DNA and in MULTIPLE STRANDS!!!!!!! And as an added bonus, you won't even have to hit the gym as much because all of this positive thinking makes you physically stronger!!!!

Now I know some of you might be "sceptics" (as it says on this site) because this all sounds too good to be true. I mean, if this is real, then why aren't accredited medical doctors and shrinks recommending this technique to everyone that comes through the door? I expect it's because scientists are too closed-minded and concerned with proven facts to open their minds to something so new agey and cutting edge. Because what these stiffs don't realize is that all that stress business that is holding us back isn't our fault to begin with...it's demonic possession. From the same site: "Have you ever had an argument with your mate and they said something so bizarre that you didn't know where it came from? As if it was someone else talking. Well, it probably WASN'T them. It was one of their entities talking."

Ooh, wow. I wonder what entities I have. Maybe it's someone famous, like Abraham Lincoln or Joan of Arc or Tiny Tim. Don't get those entities going at once or you're screwed because this shit is deadly! "Emotions are VERY powerful. They can kill you if left unchecked. This is why people die. Their emotions eventually 'burn up' the body."

Wait, wait, wait. Let's pause and summarize: it sounds as if they are saying a bad attitude can kill you from the inside, but it's not your fault because you might be possessed by John Wayne Gacy and you can save yourself by doing something as simple as, oh, just completely changing the nucleic acid that contains the genetic instructions for your development and functioning. Yeah, I'll get on that right after "Idol."

Sounds like quite the undertaking. But of course you don't have to embark on this journey alone—"international spiritual teacher, reiki master, Soul Wisdom Psyche Doctor, distant healing specialist, co-founder of the Higher School for Conscious Evolution, and author of the Great Master (available in 2007)" Toby Alexander is here to feel you up and declare you healed! This is the guy who is going to help you tap into your secret DNA-fueled potential. Don't worry, he's totally qualified; in fact, "he has been initiated into Babaji's ancient Kriya Yoga tradition and received initiations (shaktipat) directly from Babaji" and "was initiated as Mahaswami Shivananda Brahmananda into the Maitri Violet-Silver Chord Order." You're probably asking "what the fuck does that even mean?" and how dare you question someone of such stature in the "healing facilitation" field. He's a gifted man who is just sharing his gifts with the world, for the low, low price of just $100 per session. His generosity is unmatched! Of course, the Tobester requires an Auric Clearing and a Karmic Session FIRST and once you are free of pond scum, then the DNA activation can begin.

Not only is Toby a big helper, he's also humble: "I am committed to help activate others into their own mastery, with the highest possible intentions through Divine Love, removing all energetic blockages so that all human beings may choose to EMBODY their Higher selves, so that they can then live in line with their soul's purpose, and do what they truly came here to do."

I have a question. So let's say we go through with our auric clearing, karmic sessions, DNA activation and whatnot and it turns out that our soul's purpose is to waltz into a children's hospital and mow down a few cancer-stricken tots and nuns with an AK-47. What happens then? Can we blame Brahmananda? Will the Maitri Violet-Silver Chord Order hire Mark Geragos to defend us?

Another question: is all this legal? It's kind of like having the ring in "Lord of the Rings", isn't it? It seems that W needs to appoint this guy as surgeon general or something. Maybe we should direct Toby to Norway so he can give the Count a little karmic session so he won't be so testy all the time. That would go over well. And why isn't he helping Britty? Her aura is all out of whack lately and you would think that a soul wisdom psyche doctor would be of great help to a 12-stepper. Who knows, maybe insurance won't cover it and this shit gets expensive.

Anyway, the point of all this is: if you think you've heard the most ridiculous thing of all time, you can always find something to top it. I really need to stop writing about this now because Tiny Tim is starting to act up and I think I'd better tranq up fast.