A secret brainwashing plot is being administered by the Quacker Factory!

Aww, are you having a bad day? Well, I know just how to cheer you up, little one...just read these charming little pick-me-up axioms from head Quacker Factory nutcase Jeanne Bice and then—like magic—everything will be all better! Ahhhh! So inspiring...

• Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!
• The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70!
• I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows!
• Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
• When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized a I actually had a hearing loss. And they called me slow!

Wait a minute. Um, Jeanne...that's a bit Dark Ages of you. Do you still think that ducking beneath your desk and covering your head will protect you from atomic bomb fallout? Do you think EST will shock all the crazies back into reality? If not, we can just scrape their frontal lobes a bit and get rid of the "bad brain." Retards! Huh huh!

Oh, sorry. Seems as if there's some bad energy around here. Let's just push that stinkin' thinkin' right out of our heads with some more cheerful quips. Jeanne says, "Take a little time to read through these. I think they are wonderful!" Thanks, Jeanne!

• Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
• Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
• Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
• Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
• Smile when you pick up the phone, the caller will hear it in your voice.
• A gentle reminder—that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.
• Each day comes bearing its own gifts—untie the ribbons.
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
• Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle.

While all those have certainly helped to turn my frown upside down, this last one really just says it all: Triumph is just try with a little ooomph!

You go, girl! Jeanne Bice is truly an inspiration to obese, stagnant housefraus everywhere.

Do you see what's happening here? The Quacker Factory is a modern-day equivalent to the tagesparole, making Jeanne Bice the 21st-century incarnation of Goebbels!! I'm calling Bellevue and demanding they surround this woman's home and take her by force. They may need to call out SWAT and have mace guns at the ready because she is a bonafide, grade-A, 100 percent complete and total raving lunatic. I mean, call me crazy, but do people actually find these tired, empty, meaningless expressions uplifting in any way, shape or form? They are beyond fucking ridiculous! What is wrong with you, Jeanne Bice, and your ilk?? Are you so bored with your lobotomized Stepford lives that you seriously find this shit empowering?

I just can't believe it. Why does this woman get any kind of serious publicity? It's a conspiracy, I tell you! A plot! Disney is in on it, as is General Electric. Damn you, Jeanne Bice, damn you and your propadanda to hell! I'm going to dig up some dirt on you and expose you for the phony you are if it's the last thing I do. Mark my words!!

Ug, I need to stop now. I'm getting too angry and, also, I'm past due to take my medication. The penguins won't let me sleep until I take my medication...