MTV ruins relationships

Sorry about my last semi-drunken post, which I think came off as both abrasive and a little bit sad. I'm hoping to make it up to you with a return to sex, drugs and rock n' roll. With a special focus on one. The one that isn't sex and isn't rock n' roll, I'm sorry to say.

In celebration, here is yet another fun pic of an extraordinarily fucked up Pete Doherty , who should be the poster boy for "Just Say No." Don't do drugs, everyone. That is, unless you WANT to look like an anorexic Russian nesting doll, like Pete. In that case, drugs en masse are for you! A few good drinkies mixed with a handful of dolls and we have tomorrow's headlines on our hands. In the immortal words of Mike Schank, star of the legendary films "Coven" (pronounced coe-vin) and the as-yet-unfinished "Northwestern", "Here's what I think of the lottery. It's like, when you play the lottery, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. But it better than using drugs or alcohol. Because when you use drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose."

You know what else always makes you lose? Starring on an MTV reality show. You're probably thinking, "Well, THAT's totally revolutionary", but what I mean is, not only does being an MTV reality alum make you one of the biggest tools on the planet, but it's also hazardous to your personal relationships and all-out murder on your marriage. If you're anything like me, you're still not over the demise of Nick n' Jessica. Honestly, if those two can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of the celebrities who pimp their marriages out to Viacom? None, the answer is none.

Just last week the world was stunned to learn that the king and queen of bimbo/himbo pairings Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra have gone their separate ways. After getting a free wedding, courtesy of their one-season series "Til Death Do Us Part", and then occasionally showing up at premieres and Hollywood parties before Dave got the gig co-hosting "Rockstar" and Carmen...kept doing what exactly it is she does. Now their union is nothing but dust in the wind. These two posed nude on coroner's tables for their engagement picture for god sakes! All I can figure is that the heated "who's prettier" debates became tiresome and they just decided to throw that one to the wolves. That, or Carmen revealed that she still kinda likes The Worm.

While we've barely been allowed time to let that devastating news sink in, we are hit with another bombshell—this week we find out that Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler of "Meet The Barkers" are no more. My god, I think my head is going to explode; this breakup is even more baffling. Could it be that Shanna was tired of being poked by Travis's spiky mohawk and sundry piercings, or was Trav irritated that his beauty queen wife couldn't be bothered to get out of bed for, well, pretty much anything short of taking yet another pregnancy test? Whatever the reason, I simply can't believe this. Next thing you're going to tell me is that Jason and LC called it quits. Oh, wait...NOOOOOOOOOO!

So what's the point of all this? Drugs. Drugs are the answer to everything. The only explanation is that not enough were involved here. Have you ever noticed that drug addicts always stay together? Look at Pete and Kate Moss—the more drugs he does, the more she fights for his love. Forget these other boring couples, MTV needs to break this bad-luck streak by giving these two their own show. Hilarity ensues when Kate loses more modeling accounts thanks to an errant camera-phone shot of her with her face in a snowdrift at Donatella Versace's mansion, and Pete presents Prince Charles with an original blood painting that he did himself. That would be all kinds of awesome!