Tromsø Prison Blues

The past few days I, along with a phalanx of others with nothing better to do, have been rivited by the lurid tale of Suspicious Perv Bailjumpers Association prez John Mark Karr, alleged killer of mini-pageanteer JonBenet Ramsey. So is that guy creepy or what? He scares me through the TV...like I think he can see me or something. He's a bigger freak than Blue Velvet's Frank and Ben combined! But don't worry—this post is not about him.

Instead, I'm turning my attention to yet another jailed freakshow and I bet you'll never guess who it is: our beloved Count Grishnackh! And I'm starting to get a little worried about him—seems he doesn't have things quite as good at Tromsø Prison as he did at his last place of incarceration (the one where he bragged about having conjugals). This troubling news is brought to us courtesy of the official Burzum website (which I will still not link to):

"Regarding corresponding with V. Vikernes: the conditions in Tromsø prison where Varg was moved to in June are quite severe, and because of that he has problems in answering to your letters sent to the prison address. Please be patient to wait for the answer even if it takes several months! Or at least wait for the moment when the conditions will be changed and Varg will not have such problems as this one."

OK, so what exactly are these "problems" that the webmaster is cryptically alluding to? It could be anything! Maybe he's being regularly roughed up by the guards or maybe they just won't let him watch "Flavor of Love" on the common room telly. In my dreams, he's been made the bitch of some sexual deviant ironically nicknamed "Tiny" and is currently suffering from a punctured colon, in addition to a killer case of the clap, and is too delerious to answer mail. In reality he's probably on a hunger strike because the caf switched over to Hormel pudding from his favorite Jell-O brand to save money.

But wait! There's more. The next big question on everyone's lips remains unanswered, according to the elusive Burzum admin:

"Also, please don't ask me when Varg will be released. I don't know that! And I don't even think Varg knows that for sure. Anyway, it looks like this (unfortunately) won't happen in the nearest future. In case I have ANY information regarding this subject, I will post it here. So don't worry to miss this moment."

That's right—don't worry to miss this moment, as the answer is between god's lips and the warden's ears. In the meantime, Varg has penned more fun articles to educate and inform us, including "The Mystery of Time", "Why Paganism?" and, my personal fave, "Supernatural Selection." In this fascinating report, the Count instructs, "The most cunning will indeed survive, at the expense of all others, but the world will turn into a horrible animal planet. We actually have a name on these most cunning creatures amongst us; they are called psychopaths!"

Whatever, dude. I've heard this rap before. I believe it was R.D. Laing (or was it Vic Tayback?) who said, "Life is a sexually transmitted disease." Succinct, to the point and memorable, unlike the endless, forgettable scriptures that the Count regurgitates ad nauseum. Maybe they took his crayons away from him and that's why his living conditions have been ceremoniously deemed "severe." Take note, brah...less is more. Here's another famous quote for you: more than words to show you feel that your love for me is real. In other words, shut your pie hole.

Anyway, I think it's funny that he's STILL bitching about how no one understands him and his problems. Maybe he should call Matt Lauer and schedule a primetime interview so he can whine about how horribly he's been treated since he committed first degree murder on a dude who was wearing nothing but a pair of underpants. It's classic Count. If he's so upset about his prison life, why don't we cram him in a cell with John Mark Karr and see how he likes that! Something tells me Karr's not going to be too interested the Count's nonstop airing of opinions on everything from history to Jell-O pudding. Come to think of it, I wonder who would make it out of that cell first. My vote's on Karr—something tells me even the Count is no match for that shit.