Because you're worth it

I realize I've been on yet another one of my famous negative streaks around here of late. How unlike me. I'm sure those of you who know me in "real life" are stunned, but I hope you will give me a break (and no, I'm not despondent because Bradley got kicked off Project Runway last week—simply disappointed). There's been a bit of a gray cloud over RockitQueen HQ the last month or so, but don't worry, as I've been reading Jeanne Bice's feel-good-isms on a bi-daily basis and suddenly little rays of sunshine have begun to rip through the clouds like so many errant javelin.

Here's something else that never ceases to amuse me: DisturbingAuctions.com. What must have been months upon months of research has unearthed the most useless, ungodly and terrifying items put up for auction on eBay, and the results are wildly amusing, yet creepily disquieting. One wonders how so many people got the idea that they could get this stuff off their hands by assuming someone would want to actually purchase them. It's a mystery what category some of these would fall under. You would find them searching for...what? "Novelty salt n' pepper shakers"? "Dolls with no heads that might kill me in my sleep"? "Dead animal carcasses repurposed for household decor"?

There's so much to love here: hideous "artwork", totally undignified novelties, grotesquely overused toys, and some of the dumbest gag gifts you've ever seen outside of Spencer's. Notice that the enticing copy written for that last one boasts "FUNNY CHICKEN HAT, Elasticized to fit most heads, Imagine your next barbecue." Yes, imagine. Then imagine your family and friends merely lured you into an intervention with the promise of a barbecue, because anyone that would buy such a thing (USED, no less) must be doing some hardcore inhalants.

My personal favorite is the "ram's head snuff moll"—it's simply genius! It takes a true artiste to look at a disembodied ram's head and think, "Hey, this would make the perfect recepticle for my grungy pipe ash! And while I'm at it, why don't I throw some wheels on too, just for fun?" Brilliant! Now you can just shove it across the room, like a beer sliding down a bar old West-style, so Gramps can tap his pipe out. And also, great taxidermy job. You'd never know that ram's dead. Let's hope whomever bought it appreciates it for the one-of-a-kind example of true wizardry it is, unlike the snooty seller.

Anyway, if you're bored at work, cruise on over to Disturbing Auctions for a little pick-me up chuckle. It'll chase those little dark clouds away before you know it.


Lola said...

Greatest. Waste of. Time. EVER.
You are awesome!
Hope you're out of the funk soon. Let me know how you are!

Anonymous said...

Sweetness, I need to have you over. Because I'm sure you would love my JFK salt and pepper shaker set. (Manufactured in Japan, circa 1962; the kicker is that the holes for the seasoning to exit lie directly below the back of his head.) I anxiously await your next critique of terrible videos. -T. McGraw